Fire Jeff Ireland Watch: Let The Countdown Commence!

Illustration by CK Parrot

Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland's mismanagement of the Fins -- comically whiffing on everything from prospective free agents to current players to young college kids whose mothers were probably not crack-smoking prostitutes -- has been well-documented. He's quite the controversial, talent-repelling jerk, this one.

But how close is Jeff Ireland to actually getting fired? To find out, strap in for our inaugural "Fire Jeff Ireland Watch," a new weekly feature carefully calibrated by Riptide's prognosticators to measure what "'ERRR-MERRR-GERRRR HE SAID DAAAAAT?" thing Ireland did this week and how quickly it will lead to his glorious dismissal.

What Horrible Thing Did Jeff Ireland Just Do? Yesterday, as first reported by the our sister paper, New Times Broward-Palm Beach, Ireland touched off yet another embarrassing media shit storm when he admitted to calling a Club Level season-ticket-holding-fan (you know, that thing the Dolphins have increasingly less of during his tenure) an "asshole" after the fan criticized him during last Sunday's Raiders.

How Fireable Is Jeff Ireland This Week? 72 percent fireable.

How Fireable Is That? Well, BEFORE yesterday's turdburger of a gaffe, our football scientists feared Ireland was a mere 23 percent fireable. Yes, he's fucking putrid overall, but the team was fresh off its first win of the season for both the team's rookie head coach and quarterback with a convincing 35-13 beatdown of the Oakland Raiders.

Which was great! There were blinding rays of sunshine up everyone's asses, dogs and cats were hanging out together kissing and the Middle East was working out various peace accords to end all the recent bloodshed. In fact, even Ireland draft picks like Ryan Tannehill, Mike Pouncey and Lamar Miller played near-flawless games along with a monster performance by Ireland free agent acquistion/ass closet structural engineer Reggie Bush (AKA LaMontelle Pussyhammer).



Of course, the only real problem with all that reasoning was that Oakland is probably amongst the five worst teams in the NFL and the heat/humidity of the 1pm home game in September was probably just as much of a factor in our win as anyone we put on the field. Still, we won and all was temporarily forgiven! Ireland was not so fireable!