"Leaked": Charlie Crist's 2014 Gubernatorial Platform

Categories: Politicks
With rumors swirling that Charlie Crist might run for governor as a Democrat in 2014, many are wondering how a former conservative Republican can run as a Democrat. Others believe he's a political opportunist who will say and do anything to get elected. Well, Riptide has exclusively uncovered his new gubernatorial platform*, and let's just say it should put those questions to rest.

Take it away, Charlie.

Same-Sex Marriage
Gay marriage will be legalized in the South Florida metropolitan area, from Palm Beach County down into the Keys, as most other Floridians have a long history of not caring what the hell those people do down there anyway. Gay marriage will also be legalized in certain predefined areas known as "pink zones" in larger cities such as Tampa and Orlando, based on input from local leaders.

Now, I realize many Floridians may prefer to raise their children far, far away from the grave threat of gay marriage, and as your governor, I will respect that. So under the second Crist administration, all members of the GLBT community will be banned from entering the area of the Florida Panhandle west of Tallahassee. We've reached out to gay leaders to assure that this compromise is acceptable. They replied, "Honey, we wouldn't want to go there anyway." I hope this compromise makes Florida hospitable to both the LGBT and bigot communities.

Health Care
Although I agree with many provisions of "Obamacare," I will instruct my attorney general to fight for the repeal of certain controversial measures. Mainly, the tanning tax. Sometimes a guy just wants to have a year-round, all-over orange glow. Why should he be taxed for that?

Unlike Rick Scott, I will ensure that Florida accepts any free trains it is offered. Seriously, if you've got a train to give away, just bring it on up to Tallahassee; we'll gladly take it. High-speed trains, low-speed trains, kiddie trains, old CDs by the band Train. As long as it's free, we'll figure out how to use it.

Over the years, I have been described as both pro-life and pro-choice. Now let me be clear, I care deeply about the rights on the unborn. I am aware there are efforts underway to put a Personhood Amendment into the Constitution. I support such an amendment, and, as such, am pro a fetus's right to choice.

I will pass laws that require any doctor to inform a fetus of its rights and then ask the fetus whether it would like to be carried to term. If the fetus replies by kicking two times, we know it must truly have a desire to be born. If the fetus kicks only once, we know the unborn child really doesn't feel too strongly about the issue either way, and the decision will lie with the mother. Bu, if the fetus fails to kick or shows any other desire that it wants to be born, we must respect the rights of that fetus and abort it immediately, even in cases when the mother was not seeking an abortion. I believe this should satisfy both those who believe in a right to choice, and those who believe in the rights of the unborn.

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Just the republicans takin' out the trash...


Crist would be a much more effective US Senator for Florida than Marco 'South Beach foam party' Rubio.

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