"Leaked": Charlie Crist's 2014 Gubernatorial Platform
Florida must protect its borders with Georgia and Alabama. If that means pulling over a few people in Bulldogs or Crimson Tide jerseys and making sure they're legally in Florida, so be it.
I know that my previous stances on taxation have rankled many in my new party, but I say, hey, let bygones be bygones. There's no use in going back and trying to fix things in the property and corporate income tax codes that might or might not favor the haves over the have-nots. Instead, I am proposing a bold new plan that will reimagine Florida's sales tax system in a way that takes some of the burden off of those struggling, and asks those who make more to pay a little more. Items that only poor people buy like, say, garbage bags without drawstrings, generic soap, anything purchased at a Ross, dollar store, or fast-food dollar menu, will be taxed at only 4 percent. Additionally, Florida will actually pay you 6 cents back for every dollar of ramen noodles you buy.
To make up the difference, various items purchased by the rich will be taxed at 8 percent. Items such as caviar, Italian cars, Hermès purses, and Lear jet fuel. An analysis by independent economists shows this will cause a person making less than $25,000 a year to pay on average 5.9 percent in sales tax. Those making more than $250,000 will pay on average 6.1 percent. For those in between, your taxes will remain the same.
All Florida officials will be required by law to hug visiting officials, and no one can ever say anything bad about it or use it in campaign commercials, because -- come on, guys -- it was just a friendly hug. Get over it.
Many have been critical of FCAT testing, so I say, why not make FCAT testing fun for the kids? I know kids love the Internet. So why not "hip" up the FCAT by using today's Internet lingo? Yes, the FLOLCAT. Questions would include "If there are five cheezburgers, and Tommy can has three cheezburgers, then how many cheezburgers are left over for Tina to has?" True/false questions will be replaced by "Win!/Fail!" questions.
I also believe firmly that the ideal class size is precisely 26.5 students per teacher. To ensure this, selected gifted students will have their desks placed in doorways between two classrooms, where they will get the extra educational benefit of learning two lessons at once.
I have an unwavering belief that ideas about gun control, drug policy, and prison reform exist. My stances on global warming, offshore drilling, and Everglades restoration are unquestionably stances. You can bet good money that when it comes to whether or not to expand gambling, I have thoughts on the matter.
Furthermore, I believe that gun owners have the right to vote, heterosexuals have the right to adopt children, and students certainly have the right to not pray in school. The State of Florida has no right drug-testing those receiving benefits from friends. Teachers should be paid, preferably on Fridays. Doctors should be free to ask patients about gum ownership (that stuff can clog the intestines if swallowed, after all).
In conclusion, I ask all Floridians to look inside themselves and think about what they believe. Because as your governor, I promise I will do my best to make sure that you believe I believe it too.
*For those of you who are particularly dumb or love to file lawsuits: This was a parody.
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