For more than a year, Mitt Romney has jetted across the country, calling Barack Obama an utter failure. The president has done his fair share of name-calling too, but it wasn't until two weeks ago that he had a chance to stand up to his challenger in person. Instead of taking it to 'em, however, Obama curled up into a ball and received a beating on national TV.
Last night was the president's opportunity to peel the frozen steak off his face and step back into the ring. Not only did he come out swinging, but he connected like Manny mother****ing Pacquiao.
Here's your 10-second summary:
- In the first debate, Obama was bad. Last night, he was bad ass
- Mitt Romney didn't cagar la cama like Obama did last time, but the Republican came across as a cranky and bitter old man: more Ron Paul than Ronald Reagan
- To our surprise, Candy Crowley is not a sugary snack handed out on Halloween but a CNN commentator. Not that it stopped her from getting eaten up by the candidates
It's a journalistic cliché that politicians are like prize fighters, jabbing each other with facts and figures as the public scores the damage and declares a winner.
But last night's town hall style debate really was a bit of an old-fashioned brawl. As undecided voters sat in the stands, Obama and Romney took turns sitting uneasily on wooden stools as the other fielded questions from the audience. In some of the tensest moments, the two men circled each other with pointed fingers like billy goats battling to bang a nannie.
Tonight, however, the nannie goat was none other than the United States of America. And she went home with the same man she arrived with: President Barack Obama.
After debating like a wet turd last week, Obama took only 45 seconds to shift from fecal to ferocious.
After a kid named Jeremy crawled out of his oversized suit to ask an opening question that basically amounted to: Dude, where's my job?, Mitt Romney picked up where he left off from the last debate by hammering Obama over the economy.
"The middle-class has been crushed over the last four years, and jobs have been too scarce," Romney said in what would be an effective go-to line for the night. "I know what it takes to bring them back."
Obama smiled and stood up.
"Number one, I want to build manufacturing jobs in this country again," the president said when it was his turn to address Jeremy, who had receded into his Big & Tall sack like a hermit crab into its shell. "Now when Governor Romney said we should let Detroit go bankrupt, I said we're going to bet on American workers and the American auto industry and it's come surging back."
Somewhere in the White House, Joe Biden screamed "At-a-boy!" and crushed a beer can on his forehead in drunken Irish delight.