How Mitt Romney Can Win Florida's Hearts and Minds: Kidnap Castro, Bake Croquetas

Categories: Politicks
Romney Fidel on roof.jpg
Mark Poutenis

Mitt Romney made Barack Obama his bitch during last week's presidential debate. He lied and obfuscated; flip-flopped and feigned outrage; flapped his finely manicured hands and blamed Obama for allegedly leading us down the path to socialist serfdom. Unsurprisingly, the mainstream media promptly rewarded Romney's radical revisionism with gushing praise.

But it'll take a lot more for Mitt to win the election. One recent polls showed him losing by nine points in Florida, the most critical swing state in the nation. So, what can Romney do to win Floridians' hearts and minds ahead of the November 6 election?

We polled our crack team of political consultants. This is what they came up with.

See Also:
- Mitt Romney Wins First Debate By Being a Ballsy, Big Bird-Killing Bullsh*t Artist

Screw with Fidel:

Obama whacked Osama bin Laden, ended the war in Iraq, and helped topple Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi. Romney's foreign policy experience, meanwhile, amounts to insulting the Brits, pissing off Palestinians, and owning slush funds in the Caribbean. But there is one way the candidate can gain instant cred with cubanos: fuck with Fidel Castro.

Romney has promised to reintroduce harsh interrogation techniques (read "torture"), so why not start with El Comandante? In a Brigham Young-style burst of bravado, Romney should swim the Straits of Florida, kidnap Castro, and bring him back to the States.

But instead of waterboarding the gray-bearded guerrillero, Romney could strap him to the roof of his SUV and drive around until Castro gets sick, just like Mitt once did with his Irish setter Seamus.

Romney Fidel on roof.jpg
Mark Poutenis

Implement trickle-down croquetas:

Romney is an avid believer in trickle-down economics -- the belief that tax cuts for the rich are passed on to middle- and lower-class families. But with George W. Bush's tenure proving the idea complete bullshit, Romney should change tack.

He needs to use his massive personal fortune to manufacture 19 million croquetas, which he can then distribute around the state with the slogan "!Con Romney, croquetas para todos!"

Of course, Romney could try suggesting policies that would actually improve the lives of Floridians, such as concrete plans for foreclosure relief and job creation or fixing the state's crumbling infrastructure.

But from the looks of it, that sure as hell ain't happening anytime soon. Until then, we can only dream of toasty croquetas and torturing Castro.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

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Cuban Americans can't trust Paul Ryan. Paul Ryan called the embargo on Cuba a "failed policy" and favored lifting the embargo on Cuba.   Now suddenly Ryan has conveniently flip flopped on the issue.   Ryan can't be trusted on Cuba.   Ryan has claimed to run the marathon under 3 hours and scaled 40 mountain peaks in Colorado.   Why the lies?

drakemallard topcommenter

mitt Romney’s not running a cautious campaign; he’s running from tough questions.  Running from his record of flip-flops and avoiding controversial stands doesn't amount to presidential leadership.Mitt Romney loves to throw people off his path. Now he believes in this, now he doesn't. The world may never know.He will have to check with his corporate sponsors for the appropriate response, then cross check with polling of his base, and then confirm the best way to word the answer with his team of corporate marketing experts.In many circles he is a good business man, in others he is a man who broke other men down by closing their companies, these men lost their insurance, lost their pensions and lost their income, to top it off the govt. had to step in with millions to save their retirement income they worked for so many years to save. He's a flat out liar, never have I heard or seen so many flip-flops

Brad Beaty
Brad Beaty

He could also stop hating on homosexuals

Jason Herrera
Jason Herrera

PLP, los viejitos will carry the votes for him.

miamitrev2 topcommenter

And the MNT could try to be objective     but they wont

drakemallard topcommenter

 to the gop you not going to beat Barack Obama with some guy who has Swiss bank accounts, Cayman Island accounts, owns shares of Goldman Sachs while it forecloses on Florida and is himself a stockholder in Freddie Mae and Freddie Mac while he tries to think the rest of us are too stupid to put the dots together to understand what this is all about.”


“If you’re not sure about whether to support Mitt Romney, whether you’re liberal, or whether you’re very conservative, you ought to be excited, because he’s been on your side at one time or another. So I’m not completely misunderstood. I’m not as excited as I am desperate. Well, I think you hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch-A-Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all over again.Mitt Romney’s losing at this point in a big way. If something’s going to come out, get it out in a hurry. I do not know why He changed his position on virtually everything. I’m a moderate Republican, that’s what I am, so I’d be inclined to support someone like Mitt Romney. “I believe most Americans want their next President to remind them of the guy they work with, not the guy who laid them off.”

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