Mitt Romney Wins First Debate By Being a Ballsy, Big Bird-Killing Bullsh*t Artist

Categories: Politicks
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As Walter Cronkite once said: "Well, that debate was one flaming pile of rancid cat shit."*

For those of you who didn't suffer through last night's 90-minute cojone-eating contest between Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama, here's your 10-second summary:
  • Romney won
  • Obama lost
  • Romney snorted Ronald Reagan's ashes before going on stage
  • Obama performed like John Kerry on Quaaludes
  • Moderator Jim Lehrer was about as useful as an egg timer

See also:
Fear and Loathing in Tampa: Your Gonzo Guide to the RNC

In all seriousness, Romney won the debate hands-down. His strategy was clear: sew a steady, syphilis-like drip of confusion and then attack with whatever bullshit came to mind.

For instance, he repeatedly denied his own very well known plan to cut taxes (mostly for the rich) by $5 trillion. He also denied that his plan would force cuts in education, which as Obama labored to point out, is a completely bogus claim.

After the debate, pundits immediately criticized the president for not hitting Romney harder. But how can you hit what isn't there in the first place? By denying his own platform and refusing to put forward a new one, Romney left Obama with nothing to aim at.

Meanwhile, Jim Lehrer sat at the moderator's table like Milton from Office Space mumbling about his stapler. A journalist hasn't crapped himself this badly since Geraldo Rivera stained the seat of his khakis dodging bullets in Kosovo. A quivering mound of head cheese could have done more to reign in Romney ridiculous claims.

Freed from the burden of facts, Romney was even more effective on offense. While Obama was in explaining mode (e.g. No, Obamacare doesn't appoint a death panel to pull the plug on your grandma. Oh, those pesky policy details!) his Republican counterpoint was barfing bogus political bullshit across the Denver stage. Not surprisingly, a lot of it stuck.

  • Romney claimed that Obama had added as much to the federal debt as all previous presidents combined. This is completely false.
  • He claimed that Obamacare had killed jobs. Not true, according to the Congressional Budget Office.
  • Romney said all increases in oil and gas production under Obama came on private -- not public -- land, meaning the president could take no credit. Again, this is false.
  • Romney claimed at least five times that Obama had cut $716 billion from Medicare benefits. As Obama explained, this is simply not true.

Whether you saw it as slinging Bain CEO bullshit or speaking truth to socialist power, there is no doubt that Romney won the debate. He pounded away at simple (if misleading) messages.

Take Romney's most damning line:
I just don't know how the president could have come into office, facing 23 million people out of work, rising unemployment, an economic crisis at the -- at the kitchen table, and spend his energy and passion for two years fighting for Obamacare instead of fighting for jobs for the American people. It has killed jobs.
It's not really true (Google "stimulus"), but it sounds really bad.

Romney was so comfortable he didn't even seem to care about coming across as a dick. At one point during a discussion of budget trimming, he said he liked PBS personas like Lehrer and Big Bird but would cut the station's funding anyways.

Overall, Obama looked unprepared for Mitt's mental acuity and sheer mendacity tonight. The president better prepare for round two.

*Cronkite is not on record as ever saying this, but we're pretty sure he thought it often. Little known fact: Spiro Agnew even smelled like cat urine.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.
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63 comments
troll
troll

Wow this website is completely left wing, I thought Cubans were supposed to be Republicans. Every article is pro obama anti romney, if you want this country to become communist then go ahead and vote for Barry, but just take a look at Europe and how they bankrupted themselves through all of their social welfare programs before you make a check on that ballot. 

libtrardssuck
libtrardssuck

Libtards are upset the triuth is coming out,hell even that drone Bye bye biden said it jajajajajaja happy days will be again!

sirock
sirock

Romney didn't lie why does this article spread the obama BS it's sad that people only get their info from the obama propaganda machine if you read what Romney has been saying for months you would  have expected the answers he stated during the debate. It seems if you tell a lie often enough people believe it the truth. Please tell me if obama tells a lie and the uninformed believe it to be true does it make it true?

TomBroster
TomBroster

In Top Stories Romney says his 47 percent remark was 'completely wrong' and On the Romney plane, laughter and smiles after the debate http://bit.ly/H0jj0u

asti223
asti223

Perfect example of why we need to vote Libertarian. Gary Johnson 2012. 

Alejandra Zegarra
Alejandra Zegarra

It did not change my mind at all. I do not believe a word he says...

Jackmahogoff
Jackmahogoff

Will Grover let Big Bird live in the garbage can if Mitt is elected? Just saying ...

Brian Smith
Brian Smith

No! Was always voting for the right guy for the job Romney!

Manny Otero
Manny Otero

WTF he didn't win WTF debate were you watching mister media man or woman.

Moderate
Moderate

Obama = Blamer-in-Chief. We need a guy who leads...that's is Romney. I find it strange that Obama keeps blaming others and trying to define Romney (even when Romney is right there) almost to the point of blaming Romney for the last four years and beyond. Well, Obama has been president for the last for years and Romney doesn't need to use the same shameless Obama tactics to define Obama --- we've all lived through the last four years of Obama so we know that he is incompetent on the economy with his goofy socialist non-sense. Obama needs to take responsibility of the lack of economic recovery.

Jennifer Robinson
Jennifer Robinson

Hell no! My mind has been made up for a long time. Regardless of how the debates play out, I would never vote for the claymation character with no soul.

Dan Supertramp
Dan Supertramp

How about we have a revolution before election day? Then I don't have to choose either. And barring that, I'll vote for Gary Johnson who actually addresses the marijuana issue.

ramona
ramona

This article makes me laugh, a joke

Jose Ricardo
Jose Ricardo

He remind me to the cinic Bush and this consequences...

Christian Fabian Robotti
Christian Fabian Robotti

@Raul-i think you were watchng a rerun from 4 years ago when Obama Actually promised everything. How did that work out for you?

Vanessa Cambrelen
Vanessa Cambrelen

While I'm not completely for Obama, I'm definitely not voting for Romney. The guy spews out one thing and flips his views completely depending on who he's talking to. Yeah, I'll totally trust a guy that constantly lies to be my President.

Mike Evans
Mike Evans

Could never vote for Romney, wrong on Foreign Policy, and especially wrong on the social issues. It's between BO and Gary Johnson

Raul A Maestri Jr.
Raul A Maestri Jr.

.....Romney promised everyone, everything last night....Yay!!! I'm getting a pony!!!

Chanelle Artiles
Chanelle Artiles

All of those complaining about the journalism practices of the MNT need to look at the link above. It contains the word "blog". This term usually means that the pieces written contain some level of opinions. If you prefer more right wing pieces then subscribe to conservative blogs

Heike Tiegen
Heike Tiegen

I have a big feeling last night was all about strategy. I think Romney's biggest mistake was getting too cocky because Obama was so calm. Either way, I'm voting for Obama. I don't like Romney and def don't like his VP pick.

Andrena Dimitrijevic
Andrena Dimitrijevic

What sounds good and strong may not always be the truth. Thanks for calling out his bullshit! Factcheck.org!!

byChrisJoseph
byChrisJoseph

@ARodWrites @MikeMillerMiami Is Mike getting loud angry noises hurled at him like I am? FUN.

Alexis D. Guillen
Alexis D. Guillen

None of this matters until our votes are accurately & securely counted. Check out www.blackboxvoting.org or watch HBO's documentary Hacking Democracy.

Christian Fabian Robotti
Christian Fabian Robotti

@MNT- journalist should be centered. How are you going to ask one question then proceed with a subjective, negative header or title fort your column?

Jessica Julia Barrera
Jessica Julia Barrera

My mind was made up before the debate - Romney all the way! Time for change... since change was the idea four years ago, and where did that change lead us? Nowhere.

Javier Alejandro Pavon
Javier Alejandro Pavon

I am not one for politics, but Jesus this is the guy representing a WHOLE party ... I mean ... he got so pissed when Obama brought up the subject about companies sending jobs over seas lol ...

Kzm Ufc
Kzm Ufc

The cocksucka swayed no lucid minds. He just stirred up the same sheep talkin' shit, tho. He sure made friends with those who supports the arts tho'. NOT! The other fool fared no better.

Andrew Jordan
Andrew Jordan

Teleprompter Barry is not the same "great communicator" when he's under attack!

Chanelle Artiles
Chanelle Artiles

It's funny how we fight about the tax cuts for the rich but no one mentions that Republicans are against the Fair Pay act. I guess if we were all housewives spitting out babies like an ideal conservative then this wouldn't matter. I cannot and will not vote Republican until they have more favorable stances towards women.

Gary McFly
Gary McFly

I love the new MNT, so respectful for the publics political affiliations even when they differ from their own. I might just start being a fan again, Good job yall I know it must be hard :-)

Debbie Puch
Debbie Puch

Romney's lies have been fact checked. He lied about so many things. Saying the government does not subsidize jobs going overseas is a lie. Obama told the truth. Obama tried ending giving tax cuts to company overseas, the Republicans filibustered it several times. Romney will not create good paying jobs.

Andrew Jordan
Andrew Jordan

Why do the liberals keep saying that he wants to lower taxes on the rich? By preserving the Bush tax cuts, no one's taxes go up....and no ones's taxes go down either.

Brian Ringo
Brian Ringo

no i would not vote for that obama regardless of how debates turn out

Josh Everage
Josh Everage

Yeah but I hear his pony can do the electric slide.

Diego Amador
Diego Amador

Still undecided, but the underdog is growing on me.

Chanelle Artiles
Chanelle Artiles

Nope. I wouldn't vote for Mitt Romney if he promised us all dancing ponies.

Monica Abay
Monica Abay

No, but Obama didn't do very well at all.

libtrardssuck
libtrardssuck

 @TomBroster

 Shudduo moron! I thought it correct and fy=unny tax dodger, we know who you are Tom

ARodWrites
ARodWrites

@byChrisJoseph @MikeMillerMiami I compared comments when I screened for racism. No cigar.

ciaralavelle
ciaralavelle

@byChrisJoseph I had very important breaking celebrity news to tend to this morning, after all.

ciaralavelle
ciaralavelle

@ciaralavelle @bychrisjoseph No offense meant to @hannahalexs, re:earlier tweet, oh god why am I still typing

hannahalexs
hannahalexs

@ciaralavelle @byChrisJoseph Offense? Whaaaaa? Stepping into a Twitter convo 5 hours too late leaves me mystified. Lol. #imissmyphone

byChrisJoseph
byChrisJoseph

@ciaralavelle @hannahalexs Cracking me up over here!

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