Rep. Allen West's Guide to Sexy Letter Writing

Categories: Politicks
After earlier reporting on a sexually explicit letter South Florida Tea Bagger extraordinaire Rep. Allen West sent to his wife while he was serving in the army in 2003, Gossip Extra has decided to upload the handwriten missive and unleash it on the web. The site released the letter, they claim, because West opposes issues related to women's health and sexuality.

If it's a fake (West's staff has declined to comment about it), then it's obviously the work of a comic mastermind. If it is indeed real, well, in that case, West is a master of sexual letter writing. Forget those sloppy sexts, and take notes from West's literary talent. Learn how to write sexy letters the Allen West way.

(NSWF Warning: You may not want to read these at the office if you've got a nosy boss looking over your shoulder.)

Rule #1: Make your demands known upfront
Examples from West's alleged letter:
  • "Angela, I need to know that you are committed to being my porn star. I do not want hear 'no' or 'we'll see about that.'"
  • "From now on you will wear two-piece swimsuits when we vacation, you could use the color."
  • "I want a nice long blow job."

Nothing make a woman hotter than being told what to do, obviously.

Rule #2: Don't be afraid to invoke your religion to demand your partner gives you all the sex you want
Examples:
  • "God has authorized you and only you as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want."
  • "I pray you are willing to break down the walls of inhibition and let me enjoy your body."

As Jesus said to the disciples, "Go out and make those bitches give you mad head and don't take no for an answer."

Rule #3: Compliment your girl's jewelry
Examples:
  • "I cannot wait to ...play with your pussy ring with my tongue."
  • "You will already have a nice belly button jewelry."

Pussy ring diamonds are a girl's best friend, after all.

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9 comments
Glenn.61
Glenn.61

Allen West is no fag, and that bothers you Leftist queers...?

I can't wait to see all the long sad faces on the Left after the election.......

j.nall
j.nall

Good for Allen! Whatever a man does together with his wife is ALL GOOD!

josephlcooke
josephlcooke

The sooner normal people rid the US of the liberal influence, the better.

HarryTheHandyman
HarryTheHandyman

I tried to read this, but your shitty spelling and grammar put a quick stop to that.

FireWest
FireWest

Wow, a total conservative douche/nutjob and a total sexual creep!!!

Bebep
Bebep

 @Glenn.61 The fact he went to a district that would be an easy win for any Republican, yet it's still a close race, shows how terrible of a politician this lunatic is.

 

But yes, since apparently you just hate gay people and sound just as bat shit crazy as he does, it only seems fitting of your support.

Glenn.61
Glenn.61

 @Bebep I don't hate gays, I just don't respect them..

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