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Sweet Jesus The Dolphins Suck: Here Are Four Sports You Should Watch Instead

Categories: Sports
marlins-dolphins.jpg
Time to ditch these teams and root for some real (and not so real) sports
Now is the season of Miami's discontent, thanks to our terrible local teams. The Dolphins are a joke. The Marlins are even worse than last year. The University of Miami Hurricanes aren't much better, losing to Kansas State by 39 points. The Florida Panthers are locked out. And South Florida's one championship-caliber team, the Heat, doesn't suit up for another month.

But before you're tempted to channel your sexual frustration into something productive, like painting your house or, you know, actually having sex, fear not! There are dozens of often-overlooked sports waiting for your endless hours of fanatic attention.



Quidditch
So what if J.K. Rowling made it up when she was high on bath salts and mistook her toothbrush for a broom? All great sports are invented via insanity or accident. UM's football team may be mediocre, but its quidditch team is tops in the nation. Once you get past the absurdity of the game -- actually, you never get past the absurdity of it. But it's better than watching K-State sack Stephen Morris all afternoon.

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Wikimedia Commons
Bocce (free) balling
If you've watched the Marlins this year, you've witnessed Ozzie Guillen's slow, goatee-first slide into Spanglish senility. But old age need not be so sad. All across South Florida, there are septuagenarians who wake up every morning, put on the coffee pot, take off their clothes, and go play nude bocce. Once you get over the ball-clacking, you'll be obsessing over your fantasy nude bocce team in no time.



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Courtesy of Miami Spice
Bikini basketball
Beginning next year, a five-some of buxom beauties will become the inaugural squad for the Miami Spice, our entry in a new national bikini basketball league. Sure, these ladies aren't quite as naked as our local elderly nudist bocce stars, but they are considerably more attractive.

Fermented mango deathball
OK, this one hasn't been invented quite yet. But we foresee a near future where, instead of haggling over the state budget, Gov. Rick Scott will instead select "volunteers" from across Florida to participate in a new game called fermented mango deathball. Pay-per-view fees for the sadistic contest will fund our floundering peninsula for another year.

Miami, we predict, will be absorbed by the story of a plucky local who will outlive his rivals by mastering the art of getting drunk on and then killing opponents with the fermented fallen mangoes that litter the Sunshine State. Because of his long-shot victory, we will all have running water for another year.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

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13 comments
Andrew Cooke
Andrew Cooke

Allan they used that one because the new logo wasn't out yet when they wrote this article >_>

Allan Baldwin
Allan Baldwin

I do love the old Miami Dolphins logo better. Thanks for using that one, Miami New Times. :)

J Leal Angel
J Leal Angel

Lol NT just loves to hate on the Dolphins. How many heat articles do you write?

Andrew Cooke
Andrew Cooke

Way to put up an article from last year >_>

FatHand
FatHand

Do you realize the Hurricanes' only loss was to a top 10 team? What the hell are you even talking about? Go back to New York or something.

Alex Anico
Alex Anico

Be glad youre not a Jets fan... It's pandemonium over here....HEAT IN FIVE.

Alexander Fernandez
Alexander Fernandez

MNT haters. Assholes is right! UM first place in their division. Dolphins very close to being very good.

Lex Dillinger
Lex Dillinger

The Dolphins are sucking in such spectacular fashion! If you're a real Dolphin fan, your expectations checked out after the 2nd quarter of the season... but these boys are ballin! Unfortunately, Carpenter is having a bad case of the sucks as of late. These past two games have been the most exciting games of the last decade! Go Fins!

Daniel Solares
Daniel Solares

yeah way to support our home town assholes. I bet you didnt even watch the game if you would have you would know that our QB is the real deal and that there was more positive than negative in that loss. lol had to be Miami.

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