The Ten Types of Ghosts That Haunt Miami
1. The Coked Out Ghost
The spirits of all of those who overdosed in South Beach never leave. They're damned to spend eternity roaming the bathrooms of nightclubs forever looking for a fix. Of course, they go undetected, because they only appear before people who are too fucked up to tell the difference between a ghost and a real person (i.e. most people in South Beach club bathrooms). Plus, instead of the traditional "Boooo!" they're more apt to haunt their victims with a rapid cadence of "Boo! I said, Boo! Did I scare you? Hey, listen, is it hot in here or is it just me? Wait, did you look at me funny? Don't look at me funny. What's your problem, pal? I'll fuck you up, bro. Haha, just kidding, but seriously, listen, my guy is out of town, do you think I could get a bump? I'm totally good for it. I'll pay you back next time I haunt you. Promise. This DJ is so fucking good. Lets dance!"
2. The Ghosts of Marlins Stadium
When you build something on sacred ground, you run the risk of being haunted. And, really, the former ground of the Orange Bowl, the site of five Super Bowls, and the home of the perfect 1971 Miami Dolphins, and five national championship Miami Hurricanes teams is about as sacred as it gets in Miami. So maybe Ozzie Guillen wasn't to blame for the Miami Marlins. Maybe it was ghosts wearing green and orange jerseys causing mischief. I mean, really any explanation makes sense after the bizarre failure that was this season.
3. The Miami Driver Ghost
Do you ever hear a car horn, but can't pinpoint exactly which car is honking? Well, it's actually a ghost car. Yes, the driver died while speeding down I-95 and crossing four lanes at a time without a blinker. They'll spend their eternity stuck in Miami traffic. Perhaps a fate worse than hell.