Barack Obama's "Ballsy" Victory: A Single-Word Review of What Happened On Election Night

Categories: Politicks
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Unless you're stuck in some Jack McKeon-like time warp in which Twitter relies on actual messenger pigeons, you've probably heard by now that Barack Obama punched yesterday's election in the crotch. And unless your name is Mitt Romney and you've permanently foregone alcohol and caffeine, your brain is probably a soggy mush of post-celebratory/funereal booze and Election Night energy drinks this morning.

So we're going to make this easy on you. Here's our single-word review of everything that happened last night, starting with Obama's victory.


Obama's victory speech: Lincoln-y

Obama's margin of victory: Nate-Silver-y

Mitt Romney's Election Day performance: Meh

Romney's concession speech: Short

Romney's face during concession speech: Puffy
(Allergic reaction to losing? Inconsolable backstage sobbing?)

Romney's audience: Chalky

Obama's audience: Grad-student-y

Joe Biden: Plastered

Florida: Clusterf*cked

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Romney's one and only official portrait
Miami-Dade County: Atrasado

Bill Nelson: Grapenuts

Connie Mack: Grapenutted

Allen West: Ballotf*cked

David Rivera: Corruptif*cked

Michele Bachmann: F*cked?

Alan Grayson: Back

County Commissioners: Limited

Miami Herald/Tampa Bay Times/Mason-Dixon poll that showed Romney up by 6 percentage points: Oops

Democrats: Resurgent

Republicans: Worried

Latinos: Gracias!

Obama's future: Fiscal-Cliff-Avoidance

Romney's future: Pilates

America's future: Bright

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Pete Souza via wikimedia commons
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

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Republicans should cooperate with Obama because it is Americans who are suffering. The passage of the jobs bills are needed to put Americans back to work. It should be a gift for the holidays that would allow Amercans to enjoy the holidays and do some shopping for their families

drakemallard topcommenter

There was a rich man he was raised in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan/ Rich from birth, raised in prep schools, no early exposure to minorities outside of maids, a powerful daddy to clean up his missteps, and timely exemptions from military service /What a dope this  trust fund baby was.Who you know, you never had to earn anything and so forth/He talk smack about 47% not paying taxes and responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it  /he said saved business, born-insecure, jock-jawed ! / he lost to a man with unemployment at 8%  /Now look at him shiver. Beg for mercy, rich man.  it was a man call mitt romney who did too little too late.Romney is headed back to his home in New Hampshire in January and Obama will become the  President again

Lourdes Diaz
Lourdes Diaz

Embarrassing, how can we recall Governor Useless??

Anthonyvop1 topcommenter

The American people:  "We're Boned"


"“A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy,"


We've tried monarchies and dictatorships, they ain't so great either.

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