Jeffrey Loria Won't Explain What The Hell He's Doing: "Not Today, Boys"

Categories: Sports
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Jeffrey Loria hasn't opened his mouth much after he turned the Miami Marlins into a Triple-A team last night, and when he has, it's like an entire bag of dicks fell out. He's stubbornly refusing to explain what the hell is actually going on with the Marlins, and just telling everyone to figure it out for themselves. Literally!

When approached in a hotel lobby by sports reporters during the owner's meeting in Chicago today, he has remained tight-lipped.

"Not today, boys,'' Loria said according to Sports Illustrated. "If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm not going to figure it out for you.''

To CBS Sports, Loria offered this wisdom: "We finished in last place. Figure it out," Loria said.

This has led to some rampant speculation that Loria was clearing a ton of salary space to bring in current Yankee and Miami-native Alex Rodriguez, which of course makes no sense at all whatsoever except as the lamest, and most insulting PR move ever. Anyone else have any better theories?

Loria elaborated somewhat to CBS Sports as to what exactly it is we all are supposed to figure out.

"We have to get better," he said. "We can't finish in last place. We finished in last place. That's unacceptable. We have to take a new course."

Though, when asked whether he plans to sell the team he issued a terse, "Absolutely not."

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6 comments
Danny Arango
Danny Arango

Fuck him and his minor league team. Can we sue for our tax money and have him pay for his own damn stadium?

Danny Amores
Danny Amores

He thinks were all idiots. We will see how he likes it when he cant show his face around town anymore. His and Sampsons # should be posted so fans can blow that shit up.

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