Miami Dolphins' Five Keys to Victory Versus Bills

Categories: Sports
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After a 37-3 drubbing at the hands of a lackluster Tennessee Titans team, your Miami Dolphins try to turn things around quickly during a shortened week and salvage what once seemed like a promising, surprising season that had Dolphins fans everywhere singing hymns, hugging one another and seeing TRIPLE rainbows. Now? Not so much. But, hey, at least they're not the Marlins.

Here are our keys:

1. Avenge Ryan Tannehill
Tannyboy was dreadful this past Sunday, ending his six-game streak without a turnover by unleashing a barrage of interceptions that even resulted in a 49-yard pick six. This is tricky stuff as it's key to build this kid's confidence back up after a pretty terrible performance. In his short NFL history, Tannehill's shown some moxie by bouncing back in the past (the only example being after his Texans debut, natch) so here's to hoping both Ryan and the coaches find a way to make some plays tonight. Especially downfield. He looked like goddamn Chad Henne last game with all those checkdowns.

2. Their Defense is Shittier Than Our Defense
Just like last week, we're facing a really shitty defense and there's an opportunity here to score some points. Finally. No, this is not the defense of Bruce Smith and Darryl Talley. The Bills are currently the 31st-ranked defense in the NFL, which is very shitty considering there are only 32 teams. So, statistically, there are 30 other teams that are not nearly as shitty as the Bills -- including the Miami Dolphins! STAT GEEKIN'! Take a guess at what the shittiest part of the Bills defense is? That's right. Their 'run defense', which is ranked DEAD LAST in the league and is just a smidge better than that fence thingy you use to keep your dog from going to the upstairs bedrooms! Therefore, we can fully expect the Dolphins' gameplan to consist of throwing the ball about 40 times in windy, freezing weather.

3. Short Week Turnaround?
Sunday's game was abysmal to watch but the super fantastic thing about the NFL's relatively-new Thursday night schedule is that you can forget aaaaaaallll about it by the next game if your team is playing that week. Sean Smith is a warm bag of geriatric urine? So what! The Dolphins are on TV tonight, it's Friday Jr. and I'm getting drunk!

4. LaMontell Pussyhammer Ain't Care About No Buffalo Juicy-Juicy
Gash-hound extraordinnaire, Reggie Bush, caught some flak earlier this week after a guest spot on the "Paul and Young Ron Show" where he made a disparaging but very, very truthful comment about the women of Buffalo. In summary: one of the show's hosts said gametime temperatures would be in the 30-40 degree range and that the women there would be "topless" despite the weather (because they are a zany morning zoo show, you see, and what else are we gonna talk about but BEWBZ HORF HORF), to which Bush echoed the hosts sentiments that he wouldn't want to see that. "Not Buffalo women," said Bush. This shouldn't be surprising to anyone that's visited Buffalo but we're sure LaMontell can -- if anyone could -- find SOMETHING worthwhile in Buffalo women.

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5. Are We Playing in Conditions Resembling the 2011 Motion Picture 'The Grey'?
No! The forecast for tonight's game is actually a balmy 37 degrees or so, which is practically beach weather for the very large primates that occupy the area of Buffalo. So weather shouldn't be too much of a factor as the Dolphins play their first cold weather game of the year. And, if memory serves us clearly, LaMontelle Pussyhammer went BUCKWIL' on the Bills last year despite blustery, cold conditions. So run the ball a lot. Please?

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Your Miami Dolphins play the Buffalo Bills at 8:20 p.m. tonight on NFL Network.

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