Miami Named City With Most Attractive Residents Because, Like, Duh
Actually, out-of-towners ranked us first, right ahead of second-place San Diego and third-place San Juan. Interestingly, Miamians ranked themselves only the third most attractive city, but that's because we're humble -- beautiful on the inside and outside.
The most beautiful girl in the room always claims she's only, like, the third or fourth most beautiful.
"You have such great eyebrows. I wish I had some like those," we tell San Diego.
"Oh my God, how do you stay in shape? You look great," we say to San Juan.
But deep down we know we are owning the room, and everyone agrees.
Our hair is did. Our body is on point. Our makeup is minimal, because frankly we don't even need that much, unlike -- cough, cough -- Houston. Ours is the kind of beauty that starts wars. That brings mere mortals to tears. That strikes envy deep in the hearts of others.
Anchorage, Alaska, by the way, came in dead last, but that's OK. We're sure they have a great personality, and maybe if they just straightened their hair and got a new wardrobe they'd find a nice guy to settle down with one day.
Besides Anchorage, being beautiful doesn't solve all of our problems. Just most of them.
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