Here's Our Official Petition For South Florida to Secede From The Rest of This Awful State

Categories: Flotsam
stateofsouthflorida.jpg
The old line goes that "the great thing about Miami is how close it is to the United States." The truth is, though, the worst thing about Miami is how close it is to Florida.

So, when we learned yesterday that there was an effort underway to have Florida secede from the union, we were thrilled. Because guess what: we ain't coming with. More than half of our citizens came too far and gave up too much to come to the United States in the first place to see Miami-Dade become a part of whatever cracker lunacy the Confederacy 2.0 is sure to become. Broward, Palm Beach, The Keys, ya'll can come too if you want. The rest of you can kiss our ass good bye. We're staying in America. We're starting our own state of South Florida, and frankly it's been a long time coming, too.

See also:
-- There's a Petition to Let Florida Secede From the Union

Chip of us off if you want to. We'll float into the Caribbean where we belong anyway. We'll miss discounted tickets to Disney World, but that's about it. Y'all can keep your Rick Scotts, and your Tim Tebows, and your trailer park meth addicts, and all your drunk moms who leave their babies out in the Bealls parking lot, that tramp in Tampa who keeps sexting all our military generals, and all your other gutter nonsense.

We'll keep the only semblance of actual culture this state has, all that nice tourism money from loaded South American and European visitors, and our Obamacare, thank you very much.

Here's how it's gonna work out.

  • We're finally changing the state bird to the flamingo, because hello, why the hell was it a mockingbird (like practically every other state) in the first place? People think of Florida they think of flamingos. Damn.
  • The new state song is "Lookout Weekend" by Debbie Deb.
  • Let's be real, we're totally legalizing marijuana as our first order of business.
  • A week later when we all decide we need a break from being stoned, we'll get around to legalizing gay marriage, and we will have the fiercest gay weddings imaginable.
  • Out of moral obligations we're taking the Everglades with us, and we'll let the feds keep taking care of that, thanks.
  • I know there may be concerns that we may descend into an actual Banana Republic, as we kind of have a corruption problem, but don't worry. Gov. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz will steer us straight.
  • Oh yeah, sorry any remaining Republicans, but you're not just in a blue state now, but actually one of the deepest blue states in the entire nation. About 63 percent of us between the four counties of South Florida just voted for Obama. The only actual states that voted more heavily Democratic this year were Vermont and Hawaii. South Florida would be so blue in the face it be looking like it hadn't breathed in a good ten minutes.
  • Colleges in the rest of Florida, or any other state that secedes, will be forbidden from recruiting our local high school assets. Yes, the legislation will be known as the Miami Hurricanes Assistance Act.
  • While we're at, let's just drop the word "Florida" altogether. What should we call our new state? Flager? LeBronington? South New York?
  • White people with American accents may occasionally be asked for papers to prove that they're in our state legally. Especially if they do not have a good tan.

So, sorry rest of Florida. You probably won't be sad to see us go, since you never liked us much anyway. Feeling's mutual. But truth be told, you'll end up missing us a lot more than we'll ever miss you.

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84 comments
pwpw63
pwpw63

We are soooooooo IN !!   my hubby heard about you all on Dan Rodricks show and we just bought a small place near the beach just to be "snow birds" in our later years.  But HEY, you just made Florida, a State we cannot stand, except for a  wonderful daughter/granddaughter who happen to be there,someplace worth taking note of..  Now,  wonderful to discover, there are  some real life human beings who are a credit to our species living there.  So where do we sign up?   Even though I'm not religious, when we visit, I look for the Unitarians to find people who know how to  think and who care. some about humanity ..  I'm so excited.  My husband told me to "get the details"...so, we are ready.   We were shocked as long-time Marylanders to see that Florida went blue for Obama..that was quite amazing.  We thought the Bushes owned the state.  They did, after all, buy an election at least once.  

Anyway, can't wait to tell my wonderful daughter this news and any other friends who visit  Florida for the same reason we do.......the beach or relatives..&..oh yeah, and that kids place in Kissimee.             

ecnst
ecnst

how do i sign this petition??

 

sethtes
sethtes

I just saw this off a thread. I signed a petition yesterday regarding FL. before knowing all these states were doing so when I was trying to find Obamacare to repeal in a petition. We will do great funding, better programing, no worry of debt we're not completely responsible for, wars we don't support, and so forth. This, however, is way off and laughable. LOL. I live in Miami and find this hilarious.

Null
Null

Or we can just keep Florida and the north can have "South Alabama" or "South Georgia."  Seems more fitting.I agree 100% with this article!  Where do I sign up!?

Jenn EV
Jenn EV

ramon, its not that my facts aren't straight HUN, its that this particular article makes mention of how "blue" the secedement would be and i chose to address it. speaking of "getting straight" i hope you didnt vote obama in bc he pushed for gay marriage as voter strategy.

FRED
FRED

Remember, we live "downstream" of the rest of Florida. That water is presently controlled by the Koch Brothers Environmental Agency. We will still need fresh water. What we really need is to get rid of Scott and the Teabaggers.

anchors
anchors

I'm sorry, but how god damn immature is the guy who wrote this "news"?This is the most bias piece of shit I've ever seen rolled onto my screen and it looks more like a 16 year old high school girl wrote this."UM LIKE HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"I dont care one way or another, news is supposed to be unbiased, you report and let us divulge our own opinions from it rather than forcing your southbeach attitude down our throat.

cms3642
cms3642

OK, since Miami is the northernmost city in South America, that means that we are going to be joining the United States, not seceding.  This means everyone is finally going to have to learn English.  You should recall that the Keys were smart enough to secede years ago.  Tell Broward they can join us in the United States as long as we send ol' Debbie Schultz packing.  I'm sure she'll enjoy Jacksonville, Georgia.

jkallman2
jkallman2

I live in North Florida ,but if that bunch wants to leave MY Country, let them go . I am An American First.. one other thing there are approximately in this state, 18,537,969 people.  so why would 20,000 have the right to decide for the rest of us.  that rule must have been made during that other secession. you remember the one they said was only about slaves.

 

JacksonvilleJoe
JacksonvilleJoe

If we get to keep Tim Tebow and our rednecks, do you get to keep your Latin American druglords and that playground for psychopaths better known as Miami?

floydianslipped
floydianslipped

Seceders aren't the brightest bunch if NOW us when they finally realized that the 99% just pwned the 1% fair and square. This is a bullshit ploy to avoid paying their fair share like the rest of us. Waaa waaaa waaaa

jwoolber
jwoolber

This is stupid. - Born and Raised

becka13
becka13

I totally support you. This represents my ideas 100%, One love.

SaltyEggs
SaltyEggs

Haha yes! That last bullet point is especially great. 

Nope
Nope

Yes, and take all of your illegal immigrants with you. 

contactcwilliams
contactcwilliams

"More than half of our citizens came too far and gave up too much to come to the United States in the first place" Complete fuckery, this is one of the most offensive things I've heard in years! Way to go Miami New Times, you have once again succeeded in making all SOFLO residents look like ungrateful assholes. 

skippychip
skippychip

fun article. debbie deb is def the anthem! 

Jenn EV
Jenn EV

Morgan zola i realize its a joke, funny you pick someone who shoots the idea down instead of others who say its a great idea. As for the idiocy... Takes one to know one, bitch.

watchfuleye
watchfuleye

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away men’s initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves. Abraham Lincoln

enbuenora
enbuenora

I think that for fun the blue states should petition to stop giving their federal tax revenues to subsidize the failed economies of the red states.

 

Start with the Southern states moaning about secession, because except for Texas, they are net "takers" of more productive states' citizens' federal income taxes than those own Southern states' residents contribute.

 

Sort of an initial offer -- "Let's start by us not subsidizing your crappy economies and infrastructure, and you see how that works, and then we'll think about discussing the issue further."

 

Tongue-in-cheek, though, because as a Southern / red state resident I don't want all our people to have to suffer due to the loudmouthing of the typical neo-Confederate jackasses and maybe someday they'll be voted out en masse as well.

Morris Solow
Morris Solow

Let`s Do The Math...When Barak Obama Lifts The Sanctions Off Of Cuba...Just Whom Will Be Annoyed? You Liberal Idiots Spent Too Much Time Sipping Mojito`s Under The Cabanas In South Beach...Fear Not, Those "REDNECKS" HAVE YOUR BACK! And It`s Not Because You Tip Well.

Nicole Cabrera
Nicole Cabrera

Wait, can we keep Orlando? It's so cute and it doesn't bother anyone.

stefano.barbosa
stefano.barbosa

If people knew how much of our South Florida Tax Money went to subsidize the redneck republicans up North, this would happen in 2 seconds.

Morris Solow
Morris Solow

Apparently, When You Island Hoppers Washed Upon Our Shores You Underestimated Our Kindness.

Morris Solow
Morris Solow

I Believe The Rednecks Will Run Out Of "Bud Light" Before Bullets. Take A Chance South Florida, They Hunt Hogs In The Everglades Just For Shits And Giggles.

Morris Solow
Morris Solow

We Will Bury You. The Civil Unrest In Your Neighborhood Will Not Be Coincidence...Nobody Believes In That Any More. The Banks Are Pulling Their Notes, Employees Are Being Fired, Cars Are Being Reposessed...Reap What You Sew.

j_alejandra28
j_alejandra28

LOVE this article. Thank you. Especially the Miami Hurricanes Act. LOVED that. Everything here should and must be done. I applaud you.

Jose
Jose

Hmmmm.....or we just deport all the illegals. That would solve the problem once and for all.

scottjamesmiller
scottjamesmiller

 @Null And somebody please take Victoria Jackson. Convince her to go back on her meds and lure her to......North Dakota maybe. How about Canada? Bellvue?

pwpw63
pwpw63

@Jenn EV    I'm straight but you're a homophobic  idiot  

couldn't possibly be that Pres.Obama pushed for it because he actually believed in it, right?   course not, if you're homophobic...........and racist........and  sexist...they often go together like dance steps, you just find out what Obama is for so you know what you should be against.....................  

scottjamesmiller
scottjamesmiller

 @FRED 2014. Bye Bye Rick Scott. Back to your planet. Or maybe by that time he'll be in a federal penitentiary where he belongs. Medicare fraud to governor. Welcome to Florida.

scottjamesmiller
scottjamesmiller

 @anchors Probably not as immature as someone who writes "UM LIKE HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". Obviously you do care one way or another or you wouldn't  have your panties all twisted and bunched up your assmouth.

scottjamesmiller
scottjamesmiller

 @floydian4ever1 Not the brightest bunch you say? Can YOU read the rest of what you wrote? I can't. Were you drinking or do you have a chimpanzee taking dictation for you?

CantTakeItWithYou
CantTakeItWithYou

 @watchfuleye It was not Abraham Lincoln who said this, but a Presbyterian minister in 1942. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_J._H._Boetcker

This reflects the zero-sum thinking of conservatives, that everything is a competition.

 

It misses the point completely about our current political situation though. Some people are getting super rich by exploiting others, breaking laws, evading taxes, and destroying the environment. Why would anyone defend this behavior? Why should we not demand that people who are destroying our planet and hurting others soley for their own greed stop what they're doing? 

 

There's another conservative saying: Your rights end where mine begin.  I say you do not have the right to harm the land and water we all depend on, for your own gain. You do not have the right to benefit from other people's labor while they go without food, health care, and decent housing. That's all anyone is asking from the rich, and it's more than fair.

scottjamesmiller
scottjamesmiller

 @j_alejandra28 Or..... we could legalize pot, make some Rice Crispy Treats and just get to know each other and have a happy life. PEACE!

 

rmodonnell2009
rmodonnell2009

 @Jose Ok, but  It is all perspective my friend since the Tequesta Indians  installed their capitol at the mouth of the Miami River that dates back to 1,500.00 years at the least. Thats right they were here more than a thousand years before Western Civilization cam along.. so do we all pack up and leave now since we are just the first in a long line of illegals. Google Miami Circle 

john1930
john1930

 @rmodonnell2009  @Jose All the problems in this country can be traced to the indians not having a strong Department of Homeland Security.  "May I see your visa, Mr, de Leon."

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