Tannehill-Led Comeback Carries Dolphins Past Seahawks, Malfunctioning Sprinklers

Categories: Sports
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For three quarters yesterday, the Miami Dolphins were their usual uninspiring selves in an excruciatingly boring game to watch -- the offense couldn't execute, the defensive backs were giving up big plays and the team was so unbearably boring the sprinkler system kicked on to provide everyone with some source of entertainment. But then the fourth quarter came and Ryan Tannehill decided to put his big balls on the table.

Tannehill came out GUNS BLAZING in the final quarter, leading the offense down the field on two 80-yard scoring drives, routinely finding WR Davone Bess down the field for big plays, making plays with his feet (something that's been missing since his leg injury against the Jets), punching terrorists in the dick, shooting Tomahawk Cruise missiles out of his eye sockets at the sun, riding a mastodon down I-95, howling like a banshee shattering glass from Miami Gardens to Timbuktu, and leading the Dolphins on a game-winning, 65-yard drive that led to a Dan Carpenter field goal as time expired. HO-LEE. SHIIITTTT.

Considering the rest of the game had been severely 'melatonin-like' in excitement and intensity, the fourth quarter and Ryan Tannehill's performance with the game (and pretty much, the season) on the line was totally BAD AZZZ. The rookie made some major headway in becoming someone that we can maybe/possibly/hopefully soon begin to speak of in finally-heir-apparent-to-the-Right-Arm-of-God, Dan Marino. He is not there yet but if there's three things NFL quarterbacks make their paychecks and careers on it's: redzone success, third down efficiency and fourth quarter comebacks. Ryan Tannehill performed that last one with some killer authority yesterday and made it look easy. ZOMG! #KILLGENE!

Some other highlights:

- Of course, none of this is possible without the Dolphins defense keeping us in the game while the offense slept off Thanksgiving leftovers. The run defense returned to its dominant self, holding the Seahawks to under net 96 yards on the ground with a large chunk of those coming from Russell Wilson scrambles. Wilson also had 224 yards passing and 2 TDs against the Dolphins 'wet diaper' pass defense and Sean Smith continues to be someone that seems to give up on plays from time to time but the defense was just good enough to give the offense a chance to win at the end.

- For as spectacular as Tannehill was at the end of the game, there were times where he made some incredibly bonehead plays early on including an interception in early in the game that set up the Seahawks in Dolphins territory and a nearly back-breaking redzone interception that was called back after an Earl Thomas unnecessary roughness penalty negated the play. Still, Tannehill had a perfect passer rating in the fourth quarter and finished the day 18-of-26 for 253 yards with one TD and that one interception. Tannehill also passed Marino for most yards in a single season by a Dolphins rookie QB.

- Clearly, Joe Philbin and Mike Sherman have been reading our previews imploring them to run the ball more because the Dolphins finally quit the bullshit and decided to control the line of scrimmage in this game -- on both sides of the ball. The team ran for 189 yards on the ground and kept Tannehill's pass attempts in that 20-30 range that is key for the team's success. Daniel Thomas (AKA Vagina Feet) was especially impressive, gaining 60 yards on only 9 carries including a touchdown after the near-interception by Tannehill that was called back. If there was ever a two-play microcosm of the Dolphins occasionally dubious playcalling all season it came on those two plays where one yielded a turnover and the other a touchdown.

- As usual, Reggie Bush was NASTAY. You know, when not being benched by our head coach he's actually prettaaaay prettaaay good. Bush opened a brand new wing of his Ass Closet on a particularly memorable 21-yard touchdown as asses literally flew off Seattle defenders with each zig and zag of Bush's scoring run.

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- Special game ball to DT Paul Soliai who was BIG MAN SWAGGIN' all over the place in this game. Dude had about two tackles but he was constantly disruptive up front and was doing some crazy Samoan warrior Jedi mind shit to the Seahawks' offensive line. Again, a week after getting manhandled by the Bills upfront on both sides of the ball, the Dolphins were sick and dirty along the line of scrimmage. When the offensive line performs decently and the defensive front seven do their jobs like this, the Dolphins always have a chance to win.

- Dan Carpenter, who hadn't had a game-winning field goal since Green Bay way back in October 2010, came back into our good graces with a 43-yard game winner. This big kick came on his 27th birthday, no less. To be sure, LaMontelle Pussyhammer up there gave Carpenter a one-day pass to his Ass Closet as a personal thank you gift.

- Davone Bess -- who continues to be maddening on special teams with his patented "fair catch" moves -- was great in this game on the receiving end with 7 catches for 129 yards, including two big plays on the final drive that set up the game-winning kick.

All in all, it was a big win for the Dolphins that proves this young team can gut out a win from a game-winning drive with minutes to go in the game. The Dolphins are now 5-6 and remain barely in the hunt for the final playoff spot with both the Steelers and Colts currently ahead of them in the wildcard race. Still, the fact that they are alive late in November is encouraging for this young team now and, most importantly, going forward. This season has always been about Tannehill's development and the success of it hinges entirely on that.  

So, the win is very nice and we can enjoy this for the week -- until we take on New England this Sunday and our defensive backfield is exploded like a MacGruber stunt car.

The Miami Dolphins next take on the New England Patriots at Sun Life Stadium this upcoming Sunday at 1 p.m. Prepare your anus, defense.

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3 comments
G_Nazari
G_Nazari

@DatRoroKid @MiamiNewTimes funny y que rico as usual!!! LOL @ Magruber and the gratuitous pic of Reggie a/k/a Lamontelle - yum!!!!! :)

G_Nazari
G_Nazari

@DatRoroKid @MiamiNewTimes Que funny y que rico as usual!!! LOL @ Magruber and the gratuitous pic of Reggie a/k/s Lamontelle - yummy!!!!! :)

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