Dolphins Shut Out By Patriots 28-0, Go 7-9 Again

Categories: Sports
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Sunday's action featured the incredible story of an extraordinary athlete's return from a horrific injury to come back against all odds, put his team on his back and lead that now playoff-bound team to victory just as the hero himself nearly broke one of the most coveted records in NFL lore. That was Adrian Peterson for the Vikings. The Dolphins, however, got blanked by the Pats and finished 7-9 for the second year in a row. FART NOISE.

Yes, while other teams are entering the playoffs based on the Herculean efforts of the superstars they have for first round picks, the Dolphins keep breaking new ground in the opposite direction:

  • Two straight 7-9 seasons
  • 4 straight losing seasons in a row for the first time since the 1966 - 1969 era (i.e. when they were an expansion team that featured a dolphin flipping around in the endzone and players could still smoke cigarettes and drink scotch on the field during timeouts)
  • their first shut out since a 2010 16-0 loss against the Bears on Monday Night Football

PROGRESS!

And now, a moment of reflection for yet ANOTHER year where our beloved team wasted sixteen of our Sundays with shitty, below-average play whilst other teams that won two games last year drafted Andrew Luck, a very good wide receiver playing just down the street and, oh yea, punched cancer in the face to finish 11-5 on the season and in the playoffs. Please remove your hats.



Some of the highlights:

- For having invested roughly $780 million dollars on the offensive line, those guys up front suuuure were getting manhandled by the league's 29th-ranked defense. Abysmal effort by the entire offensive line - but particularly Nate Garner and Jonathan Martin at both tackle positions -- had the Patriots defense doing the 'Dance of Joy' all over Ryan Tannehill's poor back and skull. Tannehill was sacked 7 times (the most this season by any one team in a game) and even got up rather wobbly, Manny Pacquiao-style after one especially vicious sandwiching. If Jonathan Martin is the future at left tackle for the Dolphins, that little pudgy baby boy with the weak punch better take full advantage of the offseason conditioning program or the Dolphins offensive coordinators should start thinking about a new offense for their soon-to-be quadriplegic signal caller.

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- After two straight weeks of impressive play, Tannehill ended the season by going reverse cowgirl on a cactus. The kid was 20-of-35 with no touchdowns and an interception that occurred when Steve Gregory jumped in front of a pass to set up the Patriots deep in Dolphins territory. The Pats scored their first TD soon after and the rout was on. Tannehill didn't get much help from his receiving corps as Armon Binns dropped two critical passes during the game and was reportedly seen hunched over a laptop post-game considering which post-NFL career suited him best -- deliveryman for Papa Johns or Domino's??? Hmmm.

- Speaking of loud fart sounds to end the season, LaMontelle Pussyhammer failed to reach the coveted 1,000 yard rushing benchmark on the season and fell short on a 8 carry, 26-yard performance. Much has been made of his impending free agency and this performance did little to quell rumors that the Dolphins will not pay LaMontelle what his occasionally-ass busting stylez may command in the open market. Is this the last we'll see of LaMontelle Pussyhammer hammerin' in a Dolphins uniform? Was it good while it lasted, bay-bay??

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- No point in speaking about the Dolphins defense. Tom Brady did that thing where he goes spelunking into our assholes on a cold December night in Foxboro as legions of YAWKEY WAY GO SAWX TAWMMY BRADY fuckfaces toss snowballs into the air in celebration. Best play that happened for us was when we thought Wes Welker shat out a football from his rectum and Chris Clemons attempted to run back the shit-ball for a TD. It was called back after replays confirmed the shit ball had temporarily swiped the ground and all of Dolphins nation had a sad.

By game's end, the Dolphins had finished 7-9 on the season for the second year in a row. Yet another year out of several under this current regime of little-to-zero progress in terms of our overall record, the talent level on the team, ticket sales, or any other benchmarks most NFL teams use to signify improvement or success. An article from last week painted the picture of GM Jeff Ireland, wringing his hands in excitement, as he proclaimed 'I've got picks and money!' to no one in particular (save for the media in the room, of course) in anticipation of Miami's enviable offseason position. With five draft picks within the first 100 and several big name free agents coming off the books (with no guarantee they will be resigned by the team), the Dolphins of 2013 may look considerably different from those in 2012.

Granted, this is a similar situation to 2009's offseason where the Dolphins had a ton of cap room and brought in busts like Jake Grove and Gibril Wilson for big money. That was under Bill Parcells' "tutelage/hand-holding" period for little baby Jeff Ireland, if you're to believe all the zombies and apologists. However, this is the first one where Ireland will put the big boy pants on and see how moves like trading away Vontae Davis and Brandon Marshall for lesser value and more draft picks while not making serious efforts to resign Reggie Bush or Jake Long before their contracts expired will pan out. It seems as though Ireland -- barring any surprising moves by Steve Ross -- WILL be the one making those decisions for the next offseason (and one that will impact the Dolphins for years to come whether they succeed or fail).

There are no excuses now. Ireland has done a controversial job at best of acquiring talent for the team and behaving in ways a GM should (i.e. calling a fan an asshole and owning up to it) so if he fucks this up, we don't see a way he sticks around for any further offseasons after 2013. This is Ireland's time to shine. Like a little deranged ginger Golem, he has all the Precious to work with. Here's to hoping he doesn't fuck that up.*

*He totally will and no one will hold him accountable for it.

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1 comments
CidHialeah
CidHialeah

@MiamiNewTimes wasn't all bad this year, though. #PHINZFAN4LIFE

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