Shoddy Defense, Turnovers Lead Warriors to 97-95 Victory Over Heat

Most Heat fans probably went in to last night's game thinking we'd make a delicious ass souffle out of the Golden State Warriors but instead the Heat faced a young, feisty, and just very, very good Warriors team looking to go 5-0 on their road trip. OH, HOW THE TABLES WERE TURNED!

The Heat survived two scary injury moments for both Wade and James but ultimately faltered under the weight of their own shitty defense for a 97-95 home loss -- only their second this season. The Heat had a chance to pull it out at the very end (and it was one of those games that seemed like it was building up to them pulling away in the fouth) but -- after a series of strange Heat brainfarts -- something called a 'Draymond Green' put the Warriors up 2 with 0.9 seconds left to go. A LeBron James jumper from the baseline hit the rim and the Warriors SHOCKED THE WORLD ZOMG!!! by beating the World Champs at home for their second loss in six days.

Some other something called a 'Klay Thompson' tied his own season high with 27 points for the Warriors as the Heat continue to pretend every team's 'semi-scrubby, but talented no-name guy' is having a kid's party and letting the little fucker COMPLETELY take over the Xbox for the entirety of his own birthday like a real cock. The Heat also let Jarrett Jack score a personal season's best of 20 points like his dad just died and they felt really bad for him. Every time the Heat seemed to be pulling away, Jack would go jamon right back on the Heat. Annoying!

Another factor in the Heat's loss? Turnovers. The Heat had 17 turnovers and a large chunk of those were converted into points by the Warriors. Farts. But uglier things than that happened during the course of the game.

In the second quarter, the collective Heat Nation rectum clenched not once, but TWICE as both James and Wade went down hard. First, LeBron had his legs cut out under him and received a strong nudge mid-air from former Knick David Lee that had LeBron break his fall with his shoulder. Normally, this is an injury that would result in a shoulder explosion for 99 percent of the human race but the King shook it off, made two free throws then capped off the possession with a layup for a rare four-point play. BAD AZZZ. Shortly thereafter, Dwyane Wade went down after enduring the 1-2 punch of being hit by Klay Thompson in the face followed by a Mario FUCKING Chalmers clothesline. God, Chalmers! Why are you so frantic and a danger to yourself and others, man? Luckily, Wade left the game only temporarily and returned in the third quarter.

Apart from the scares, LeBron James was his usual All-World self, scoring 31 points on 12-of-23 shooting. The King only got to the line five times, unusual for Cobra Dick to be sure, but it tells the tale of this young Warriors team closing lanes and forcing the Heat to make their points outside the paint. Chris Bosh also posted a great game with 21 points and 13 boards. DINO POWER!

All in all, an entertaining game start to finish that showed the Warriors are a real-deal young team with some shooting talent and defensive moxie. Honestly, it's still December so who gives a camel's dick if the Heat lose one here and there, especially hard fought games that came down to a few uncharacteristic mental lapses as the game closed out. If these little 'tendencies' the Heat have shown in playing 'down' to the competition from time to time continue to crop up after the All Star break then you can begin to gently massage the PANIC button a little. Until then? No need to go all '80s-Drunk-Billy-Joel-in-Russia' over it.



The Miami Heat take on the Washington Wizards at the American Airlines Arena on Saturday. Tipoff is at 7:30 p.m.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.