New Year Resolutions For Miami's Best and Brightest

Categories: Listicles
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The world didn't end after all on December 21, so now we all gotta make amends for our bad behavior in 2012. Our New Year's resolutions last year all failed, of course, whether it was taking abuelita to church every Sunday or deleting our Facebook accounts because Mark Zuckerberg is a privacy-pirating prick. That's why January 1 is so glorious: We can wipe the slate clean.

Here are Riptide's 2013 resolutions for ten of our favorite local denizens.

Jeff Ireland

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When a fan berates you during a game, call him an asshole to his face instead of muttering the insult under your breath. Ginger McWonderpants, it's time to embrace your role as the Miami Dolphins' franchise villain. Oh, and draft a stud wide receiver in the first round already.

The City of Sweetwater

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Stop sending out news releases every time a trendy crime wave blows into Miami-Dade. No one cares that you banned bath salts or arrested Manolo from Scarface. We shouldn't be surprised that a city founded by circus midgets is desperate for attention, but it's just sad.

Giancarlo Stanton

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Drink heavily and consider a Prozac prescription. This year is gonna suck, buddy.

The Beacon Council

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Start running criminal background checks on the individuals who own or operate companies that ask for tax breaks. It's the only way you can avoid embarrassing stories about how you helped a company owned by a convicted cocaine trafficker and alleged deadbeat win approval for $400,000 in government tax breaks, as Banah Sugar owner Alexander I. Perez did this past year.


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2 comments
Anthonyvop1
Anthonyvop1 topcommenter

David Rivera should get a real Job?  Unlike that Douche who beat him in the election with your help?  You know the guy who has never held a real job in his life aside from looting the taxpayer.

CaviarFrames
CaviarFrames

@MiamiNewTimes I guess the The City of Sweetwater is fed up with releases!!!

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