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New Year Resolutions For Miami's Best and Brightest

Categories: Listicles
Rick Ross

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No more throwing up gang signs. Look, we get the whole irony of a former correctional officer turned fat-cat rapper. But c'mon, brah, there's a limit to how much you can fake it, lest you want real OGs to continue spoiling your concerts, as the Gangster's Disciples did when they threatened payback last month.

LeBron James

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Shave your head. Your hairline is receding faster than the shoreline along Fort Lauderdale beach.

Armando Aguilar

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Don't blame the next police-involved shooting on bath salts. After Rudy Eugene, the 31-year-old "Miami Zombie," chewed the face off homeless drifter Ronald Poppo, you told the media he was high on the drug in an attempt to justify the attack. It ignited an unnecessary scare over a police-involved shooting that was unquestionably justified. As toxicology reports later showed, Eugene's body showed no traces of bath salts.

Elaine Lancaster

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Refrain from acting like a cross-dressing version of Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest on the third season of The Real Housewives of Miami. A six-foot-tall transvestite shoving a fully clothed, sprite gay man into a swimming pool at a party is bona fide cray-cray behavior.

Former Rep. David Rivera

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Get a real job now that you are out of politics. And no, we don't mean a lobbying gig with Genting. We're thinking more along the lines of sandwich maker at La Carreta in Hialeah.

Jeffrey Loria

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Put Miami Marlins fans out of their misery by silencing yourself for the year. Use the foolproof method of pulling your bottom lip over your bulbous head.

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2 comments
Anthonyvop1
Anthonyvop1 topcommenter

David Rivera should get a real Job?  Unlike that Douche who beat him in the election with your help?  You know the guy who has never held a real job in his life aside from looting the taxpayer.

CaviarFrames
CaviarFrames

@MiamiNewTimes I guess the The City of Sweetwater is fed up with releases!!!

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