Miami Dolphins 2012 Season Recap: The Highs, the Lows, the Ireland

Categories: Sports
Most Embarrassing Incident

Asshole-gate. Jeff Ireland finds ways to nationally embarrass us again - on and off the field.

How Did Old Man Philbin Do?

Despite resembling a Scooby Doo villain, Philbin did fairly well in his first year -- somehow squeezing out seven wins despite having a white guy that resembles a chipmunk as your No. 1 WR and -6 NFL caliber cornerbacks. Hopefully in season two he'll tone down some of the nitpicky crap he exhibited at times during Hard Knocks and focus on finding ways to get some explosive plays downfield but HEY CAN YOU PICK UP THAT WRAPPER OFF THE FLOOR, COME ON JESUS!

Philbin Scooby Doo.jpg
Most Improved Player of 2012

Reshad Jones. This guy was all over the place -- making tackles on the second level, doling out big hits and hauling in four interceptions. Within the Funhouse of Shit that has been Jeff Ireland's draft record, Jones has stood out head-above-shoulders when he was drafted in the 5th round back in 2010. He always had the physical tools to become a very good strong safety in the NFL and this was the year that Reshad added the mental aspect to his game. Good shit.

Most Valuable Player of 2012

Brian Hartline. In a contract year, our little chipmunk face did very, very well for himself and will command some big dollars in the free agency market come March. Hartline hauled in 74 catches for 1,083 yards. Though his one TD all year was a bit underwhelming, the guy can play all three positions in a league where the 'Deceptively Fast, Scrappy White Receiver' commands some serious cheddar. I'm sure the TD situation will be rectified next year when the Patriots sign him to a contract and Tom Brady throws 78 TDs to him.

Pussyhammerer of 2012

Who else could it be but the guy who's ass closet makes Imelda Marcos' shoe collection look like that of a 19th-Century London beggar covered in soot and riddled with cholera? LaMontelle Pussyhammer, of course!

Most Promising Development in 2013

As with everything with this Godforsaken team, it's all about the quarterback. We can all remember being preeeeettaay excited about Chad Henne before he turned into Chad Fucking Henne. Tannehill had a nice rookie campaign and showed flashes of promise here and there -- even 'greatness' at times. The key in 2013 is to surround him with the talent to make him even better and to hope he develops even more in the offseason as a leader and in the film room. The kid's got athletic ability, moxie and skills -- it's up to him to put it all together and hope Jeff Ireland doesn't fuck up this incredibly important offseason. His career, literally, depends on it.

We're soooooo fucked.

Come back in March for our Free Agency preview. Go Dolphins.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
chrisjoseph13 writer

"I heard that poor writer was committed recently."

This is true.

Now Trending

Miami Concert Tickets

From the Vault