What Will Become Of John McAfee, Marco Rubio and Jeffrey Loria?

Alex Izaguirre

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke makes his predictions for the new year.

What will happen in 2013 to capture people's attention? Who will do something to make us say, "WTF?" Well, I have some predictions:

• The NCAA won't impose severe sanctions on the Miami Hurricanes football program. The school will lose a couple of scholarships but will get to play in a bowl game. In fact, Miami will play for the national title.

• Wily multimillionaire John McAfee won't have to go back to Belize to answer questions about his neighbor's death. He will settle into a new mansion on Star Island and make himself our new local hero when he buys the Miami Marlins from Jeffrey Loria.

• Chad Johnson will move to Los Angeles to become an adult film star named Ocho Mandingo. Chad wasn't kidding about doing porn if football didn't work out. A teaser of his new career already leaked last week when WorldStarHipHop published photos of Chad banging a stripper.

• Katherine Fernandez Rundle will pardon former Miami-Dade County Commissioner Joe Gersten, who skipped town 20 years ago to avoid charges of perjury and making a false police report for lying about how his Mercedes-Benz got jacked.

• Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Gimenez and county commissioners will approve taxpayer monies to build a retractable roof for the Miami Dolphins' stadium. They will also give team owner Stephen Ross permission to partner with Genting to build a Jimmy Buffett-themed casino.

• Miami Herald reporters won't make it to any breaking news events because they will be stuck in traffic near the new headquarters in Doral.

• Miami Commissioner Marc Sarnoff will be named grand marshal of the annual Martin Luther King Jr. parade.

• Marco Rubio will grow a bushy mustache so he can look more "Mexican" and appeal to non-Cuban Hispanics.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.

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