The Miami Fan Hater's Guide to the Super Bowl

Categories: Sports
The Super Bowl is here again and - will you look at that - the Dolphins weren't even close to it again! This is the 29th year in a row since the Dolphins were in the championship round and here we are: Watching two teams better than our own team that is endlessly run by people too incompetent to be better than two Super Bowl teams that have been rebuilt time and time again! Yet they're still better than us. Groundhog Day reference, right? Wheeeee!


Why Miami Should Root Against Baltimore

Of the two teams, this is the logical team for Miamians to root for. Names like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed recall the glory years of the Miami Hurricanes football team. Shit, Ed Reed played on maybe the greatest college football team ever! In addition, the Ravens just beat the hated Patriots - a team so loathesome with a quarterback so douche-y that the Ravens should be honored at the White House even if they DON'T beat the Niners in the Super Bowl. Can you imagine the gloating press and endless Brady puff pieces had the Ravens not beat the living daylights out of the Pats? Could you really handle more of THIS guy:

The Patriots did Miami -- nay, the WORLD -- a great service. In fact, Miami should give Ravens safety Bernard Pollard a key to the city, what with nearly killing about two to three Patriots in his short NFL career.

That being said, though, FUCK THESE GUYS. Reasons being:

- The last time the Dolphins even tasted the playoffs in this decade-plus of sub-mediocrity was in early 2009. Who did we face? You guessed it: Ed Reed, Ray Lewis, Joe Flacco and John Harbaugh. What did they do? They murdered us. It wasn't even a close affair. That was a clearly much more physical and talented team and they cut short any glory that Dol-fans felt during that Cinderella 2008 campaign.

- The Dolphins could have had Joe Flacco during the 2008 draft but instead we took a gigantic lineman that doesn't score touchdowns No. 1 overall BECAUSE HE'S A FAT DUDE THAT HAS A SIX-PACK. And now we're about to let that guy go because, well, Jeff Ireland gonna Jeff Ireland, y'all.

- The Ravens came into existence in 1996 after former owner Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore from Cleveland under everyone's noses to remove that awful loser Cleveland stench. Five years later, Baltimore won the Super Bowl and Ray Lewis was the MVP. Since that 2000 season, your Miami Dolphins have played four playoff games while the Ravens have played in roughly 18,000 AFC Championship games.

- Ray Lewis is a UM lifer and a beloved Miami figure, but the dude really thinks he talks to God. You know how your abuela has a pretty direct relationship with God? Well, Ray Lewis is actually the liaison between your abuela and God. He's waaaay closer than she is. And he really believes this. Even though he allegedly participated in a murder. And made his blood-soaked clothing disappear. It's completely possible that God helped him get away with that whole evidence tampering thing.

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Let's see Ravens vs 49ers, thug Ray Lewis in the white house ? Too funny, Obama seeking gun control yucking up a photo op with a guy that nearly ruined his carer with guns ? About the worst you could say bad about the 49ers UM ties is whatever Gore is hated for ? Well maybe add that there are bunch of anti-gay players on the team ? That's interesting SF is well reknowned for homosexuality. Players hating phaggs, that cheer their team on. Almost as bad as dog lovers cheering the Eagles and Mike Vick.

Sam Heywood
Sam Heywood

Deadspin called. They want their ... I don't even care anymore.


"The Patriots did Miami -- nay, the WORLD -- a great service."

I think you need to fix this typo before we all collectively barf

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