Meet the 2013 Miami Marlins! A Position-By-Position Analysis of Baseball's Worst Lineup

Categories: Sports
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Step right up, meet your 2013 Miami Marlins, same as the 2012 Miami Marlins -- only completely different! If you're anything like me, you're angry, you're hurt, and you may or may not say to yourself during a jog, "Hey, that's a good place to hide a body named Jeffrey Loria!" But hear me out, we gotta meet these new guys. The first step in recovery is acceptance.

By now most of us know what happened last season, but for those of you that just got back off a year-long cruise without power or something, here is a quick rundown. The Florida Marlins became the Miami Marlins. The city agreed to pay what after interest would have been enough money to buy the Yankees AND Red Sox to help build a space shippy stadium in Miami for the team. Pitbull. New expensive good-at-baseball players. Losses. More Pitbull. New cheap baseball players you've never heard of. Pitbull.

That's where I come in! Weeeeeeeeee! Let's meet these fuckers! It's gonna be like a tour of Charlie's Chocolate Factory except the river of chocolate is ACTUAL SHIT, and the trees have dildos for everyone to pick, not candy! Fuck my face!

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Let's now take a gander at the projected batting order, shall we? Everyone have a bottle of their favorite whiskey and YouPorn minimized in a separate window to make yourself feel better afterward? Good, let's do this.

Batting Leadoff: Juan Pierre
You probably remember Juan from the 2003 Championship Marlins roster. You may also remember that that was the year "Finding Nemo" came out, or maybe this was the year your 10-year-old child was born -- ahhhh, memories. This is the equivalent to the Miami Dolphins being all, "Hey, Jay Fiedler is back! Also, have you guys heard that new Chingy song?!" Goy.

Batting 2nd: Donovan Solano
You may remember Solano from last season's world-beating Miami Marlins. No? Alrighty then. Solano was actually not bad last season, hitting .295 in 285 at bats with the big team, however he had just two home runs and 28 RBI's -- so let's just say his at-bats are a fine time to get yourself that Pepsi refill. The hope seems to be that Juan Pierre gets on base and then Solano moves him over because he is a decent contact hitter. My hope is that Kate Upton for some reason likes Miami New Times writers that eat Doritos for breakfast -- so hey, we all got our fingers crossed!

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14 comments
Suareza
Suareza

Why would anybody go next monday to see this AA League team play??? It is a waste of money, time and energy plus inmoral, indecent and masochist.

jaysonayden
jaysonayden


Aaron. if you, thought Clarence`s comment is flabbergasting... last saturday I bought Mazda MX-5 after bringing in  5948 this past 4 weeks and a little over 10 grand this past month. it's actualy the coolest job I've ever done. I started this eight months/ago and straight away started to bring home minimum  71, per-hour. I went to this site, pie21.ℂOM


cbs.trav
cbs.trav

I don't have a problem with what Jeff Loria did, having spent $111M and the team losing 93 games, as the owner I would've done exactly the same. The goal is to win games, and if the players you've got on the field aren't accomplishing that than they're not worth having around the clubhouse, regardless if they're fan favorites or not. I enjoyed the Marlins winning two World Series and not knowing a single player on the team, it doesn't matter who is on the field, if they're winning the last game of the season and hoisting the championship trophy. Sometimes as fans we forget its still only a business, and the business in professional sports is winning the championship.

dpicardat
dpicardat

Your right Miami Beach shaved $30,000 off..... More than that, Miami Beach demonstrated their human iniquities once again refusing to apply the concessions to Miami Beach charitable organizations.

Dale L Picardat, Jr.

Raymond Sobel
Raymond Sobel

I love that you guys tagged the Marlins on this...lol

David Castaneda
David Castaneda

Sad... We really need to let the owner how we feel! Instead he thinks he is helping the Marlins - SMH

lexaviles
lexaviles

Dude, stop writing shit articles, you're not a reporter, you're a shit talker. When you grow the fuck up, and write something worth reading, come back at me.

whitehouse242000
whitehouse242000 topcommenter

@cbs.trav So trade EVERYONE? Your point is fine when it comes to making some moves...but to trade an entire team almost...some of which were playing at their averages like Reyes...is ridiculous. This team he is fielding is insulting to those who support the team. Period.

floggingfernie
floggingfernie

@lexaviles this is a blog and it was funny. Get a life and marlins are like herpes, they suck and are never going to go away

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