Meet the 2013 Miami Marlins! A Position-By-Position Analysis of Baseball's Worst Lineup
By now most of us know what happened last season, but for those of you that just got back off a year-long cruise without power or something, here is a quick rundown. The Florida Marlins became the Miami Marlins. The city agreed to pay what after interest would have been enough money to buy the Yankees AND Red Sox to help build a space shippy stadium in Miami for the team. Pitbull. New expensive good-at-baseball players. Losses. More Pitbull. New cheap baseball players you've never heard of. Pitbull.
That's where I come in! Weeeeeeeeee! Let's meet these fuckers! It's gonna be like a tour of Charlie's Chocolate Factory except the river of chocolate is ACTUAL SHIT, and the trees have dildos for everyone to pick, not candy! Fuck my face!
You probably remember Juan from the 2003 Championship Marlins roster. You may also remember that that was the year "Finding Nemo" came out, or maybe this was the year your 10-year-old child was born -- ahhhh, memories. This is the equivalent to the Miami Dolphins being all, "Hey, Jay Fiedler is back! Also, have you guys heard that new Chingy song?!" Goy.
You may remember Solano from last season's world-beating Miami Marlins. No? Alrighty then. Solano was actually not bad last season, hitting .295 in 285 at bats with the big team, however he had just two home runs and 28 RBI's -- so let's just say his at-bats are a fine time to get yourself that Pepsi refill. The hope seems to be that Juan Pierre gets on base and then Solano moves him over because he is a decent contact hitter. My hope is that Kate Upton for some reason likes Miami New Times writers that eat Doritos for breakfast -- so hey, we all got our fingers crossed!