Five Free Agents the Miami Dolphins Must Try to Sign

Categories: Sports
The NFL's free-agency period begins this Tuesday, March 12, and your Miami Dolphins -- with about $36 million in cap space -- are poised for one of the biggest offseasons in franchise history. Naturally, there's a good chance they'll fuck it up, but here are the five free agents the Dolphins should go after when the bell rings at midnight next Tuesday. You know, if they don't just end up vomiting in their own underwear instead.

1. WR Mike Wallace
Estimated cost: About $11 million per year

There's no question that the Dolphins deeply covet Mike Wallace. He's the number one listed target for the Fins on every NFL beat guy's list, and there's no question Wallace is a very talented wide receiver -- something the Dolphins seek in order to stretch the defense, make big plays downfield, get in the end zone, and remove all those FG cooties that have plagued us for years. But with that talent comes a heavy price, and one that is escalating by the day. Is Wallace worth it? Yes, if it's the Mike Wallace of 2010 and 2011 and a Mike Wallace bereft of drama and drops. He'll instantly give Tannehill a Mark Duper-like dude that homie can just sling the rock downfield to and Wallace, with his blazing speed, will haul in. The guy is nasty fucking talented.

Sooooo we got him, right? We've got the money, we live in a goddamn paradise, we've got the sexy babes (which he'll need after several years in Pittsburgh -- YEEESH!), and there's no state tax, so fuckin' done deal, right?  Wellllllll...

There are a couple of issues: (1) Just because we have the cap space and we want him doesn't mean we'll get him (see: Manning, Peyton; also: Clark, Ryan), and there's a good chance Wallace might just be using us to jack up his market price before he signs with another team (again, see: Clark, Ryan) because -- I don't know -- maybe he doesn't want to play for a franchise that's been in the playoffs only once in the past 12 years, is run by a guy who asks young black men if their mother is a crack whore (one more time, see: Clark, Ryan) and are gladly willing to ship him off for a lower price than we obtained him for (see: Marshall, Brandon) if the guy is deemed a "diva" or "cancer." So needless to say, it's not a home run just yet. And (2) the price is pretty damn high for a guy coming off an "off" year when he experienced a number of drops and exhibited "diva"-like behavior. Nonetheless, everyone knows the Dolphins want this guy, and it's a sure bet Steve Ross will allow Wallace to swim in his giant Ducktales money bin if he's willing to come to Miami.

2. WR Greg Jennings
Estimated cost: About $10 million per year

Failing the signing of Wallace, the Dolphins could possibly look at landing the next big-name wide receiver in free agency, as maligned GM Jeff Ireland MUST make a splash of some sort this offseason with market-share popularity loss to the Heat and declining ticket sales. Just last night, the Dolphins re-signed human chipmunk/one-touchdown wrecking ball Brian Hartline for a contract that will pay him about $6 million annually over the next five years (why???), so Jennings could be an option if Wallace decides to go elsewhere and the Dolphins need to add some playmakers on the outside to complement Hartline. I guuueeeessss?

Jennings is a playmaker and figured prominently in Green Bay's multipronged, deadly offensive attack, but he's 30 (*BIGREDFLAGDANGERDANGER*) and is coming off an injury-plagued season. However, he would immediately improve a Dolphins passing attack that resembles a saggy, wet, and salty 70-year-old ballsack most Sundays. Question is: Are the Dolphins willing to commit that much money and a long-term deal to a guy who's on the downside of his career and someone that Coach Joe Philbin is reportedly not all that thrilled about? Would Jennings be willing to sign with a team that is about as close to winning a title as you are from randomly punching your mom in the face? Again, up to the wizardry of one Jeff Ireland! He'll magically turn this once-proud franchise into a steaming pile of hot camel shit before your very eyes. ABRA-KAZAM-BAZOOMY!

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Denison Wiedman
Denison Wiedman

they always find a way to f things up. if you wanna learn how to run a bad business study these guys in class

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