Five Players the Dolphins Should Take in Tonight's NFL Draft (and How They'll Screw It Up)
With the NFL's annual tradition of wealthy, white-haired men selecting young, able-bodied (mostly) black men to perform physical endeavors for comparatively negligible pay aimed at aggrandizing the wealthy men's financial station, we're taking a look at who the Dolphins SHOULD pick -- and how they'll inevitably fuck that up -- during tonight's draft.
"I've got picks and money!"
That was Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland at the end of last season as players streamed into the locker room after yet another loss. This offseason was a huge one for both Miami and Ireland -- much-maligned during his "asshole"-calling, whore-mother-questioning, choosing-Jake-Long-over-Matt-Ryan-camel shitfire of a tenure. Then, armed with about $50 million in free agency, the Dolphins reshaped their lineup by getting faster with Mike Wallace and younger with linebackers Danell Ellerbee and Phillip Wheeler, as well as adding more offensive options for young quarterback Ryan Tannehill via the acquisitions of tight end Dustin Keller and wide receiver Brandon Gibson. On the flip side, the Dolphins lost offensive-line stalwart Jake Long, let Reggie Bush go to Detroit for roughly the same money they used to sign a clipboard-holding puppet to be back-up quarterback, and re-signed a one-touchdown-catching chipmunk to a deal that even had the Rescue Rangers saying "WUUUT DA FUUUUUUCK?"
With the assumption the Dolphins will get a deal done for Chiefs left tackle Branden Albert and will find a way to trade Davone Bess, here are some options for the Dolphins over the coming weekend.
Whom Should the Dolphins Draft?
1. Tavon Austin - WR, West Virginia
No question, the kid absolutely explodes out of the highlight reel. He's considered a slight reach at #12, but the Dolphins should say FUCK IT and pull the trigger on this kid. A Percy Harvin type, he's listed at WR, but he can pretty much line up on top of Tannehill's head and score touchdowns if he wants to. Personally, I don't think he lasts long at all. The kid has done a good job of advertising himself, and he's an explosive playmaker with blazing speed in a league where that quality is at a premium. Some math: Fast guy who stretches the field, makes plays, scores touchdowns, causes matchup problems for the defense > big, fat guy who DEERRRP EATS ALL THE TACOS AT THE GAME-DAY BUFFET AND SLEEPS AND FARTS AND STOPS RUNNING BACK DERRRRRRRRRRRP. What do all the other good teams have that the Dolphins don't (besides a franchise QB)? Playmaking options galore. You wanna cover Wallace? Fine. We'll throw to Hartline. Gonna cover them both? Cool. Here's Lamar Miller blowing through your defense. Gonna put 8-9 in the box? BOOMTOWN TAVON AUSTIN ALL UP YO AZZZZ.
2. DJ Hayden - CB, Houston
The Dolphins have exactly MAYBE ONE POSSIBLY cornerbacks on their roster after letting Sean Smith and his Smithology go to KC. He sucked but, hey, he was a body; all Jimmy Wilson can do is dispose of one for you (huzzah!). Therefore, our lack of cornerbacks is a huge red flag screaming across the sky at us unless we want to lose to Tom Brady and even Mark Fucking Sanchez by 50 points. We need SEVERAL guys there. Hayden has all the tools - size, ball skills, closing speed - but a heart condition from last year still worries a lot of teams. He could go in the first round or he could drop to the third. He may be a reach for the second round, but if he's there when the Dolphins choose again, his upside can be tremendous.