An Open Letter To Francis X. Suarez: For God's Sake, Hire a Speechwriter

Categories: Politicks
Thumbnail image for Francis_Suarez.jpg

Dear Francis X. Suarez,

It was with great optimism and endearing faith in the potential of our elected politicians that I clicked on your recent "Open Letter to Miami" in the Huffington Post. Then I read this sentence: "With our magical coast and most enviable weather, a patch work of cultures that makes us as unique as the people that call Miami home we are now at that great intersection where opportunity meets greatness."

The City of Miami is headed towards a crucial mayoral election on November 5, an election you may very well win. By writing this letter I am asking you to hire a speechwriter, for god's sake, so that we never have to suffer through your turgid, punctuation-less prose ever again.

Francis, you may have received your handsome and immovable helmet-hair from your father, but it seems you've also inherited Mayor Loco's knack for writing nonsense.

Like Xavier's perplexing, 195-page book "A Unified Theory of God, Mind & Matter," your letter to Miami is more tortuous than a Taser to the testicles.

Consider this twisted tangle of characters that you apparently believe to be a coherent sentence:

I have an unbending faith in the people of Miami as a direct result of having been born and raised under the watchful eye of a caring and dutiful mother and a father who instilled a strong work ethic, integrity and honesty, but it is also a very close knit community that has proven instrumental in guiding my choices.

Or this mind-boggling block of text:

That is what we're left with today; a choice. A choice to look forward in envisioning a future with unlimited potential, unbridled prosperity and opportunity for all those willing to work hard to create sustained economic mobility. The choice is clear for those optimistic of heart and resilient of spirit that imagine a Miami that leads the nation in technology and innovation. The choice is clear for those that demonstrate the courage to embrace positive and meaningful change. The choice is clear for those who believe that the best days for Miami are still ahead of us.

No, Francis, nothing about this verbal vomit is "clear." This is just a sad string of empty platitudes, pasted together by sophomoric repetition.

You are asking us to elect you mayor, yet you give us this? You have raised half a million dollars, yet you can't hire someone to craft something better than this crap?

"Now is not the time for complacency nor a commitment to the status quo," you write. "Now is the time to start the countdown to change."

Start by hiring a speechwriter.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

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Dear Michael Miller,

Your article is further proof of a disturbing trend I've noticed in the Miami New Times - yuppism.  Only yuppies criticize and snark over every little detail all the while pretending that their "shit don't stink".  It wasn't that long ago when one of your coworkers (pictured wearing silly t-shirt with a white jacket - total yuppy attire) wrote a piece condemning the winter music conference.  I have a question....when did the Miami New Times, once a bastion of underground and cutting edge Miami, become a Britto loving (not art), overly price baby stroller pushing, chardonay drinking bunch of elitist yuppy doushe bags? Just wondering.


Wow, sounds like someone is kind of upset that folks are starting to go to HuffPo Miami before the Miami New Times now.  

This article seems more personal than objective to me.  Then again, what does the 'reporter' know about Miami beyond writing silly headlines to try to get attention?  

I wonder why all the Miami New Times writers are so hateful? Maybe because they get paid about $5 bucks per article?

Palangana topcommenter

Nobody pays attention to political rhetoric anyway.  He could've copy-pasted Finnegan's Wake and the result would've been the same.


By the way, I have no relation to Francis Suarez, even though I have the same last name.  I did attend Junior High with him at Belen and found him to be rather pleasant.


@mattsmith2 No, I think the issue is that Suarez wrote an "open letter" to Miami and said exactly nothing. Click on the HuffPo link. There is nothing at all in that letter. It's just nonsense. Nevertheless Miami, let's all future our potential to the unlimitless of our unbounding potential.


@HarryTheHandyman It wasn't Kyle. Read again

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