Heat Pushed To the Brink of Elimination After 114-104 Game Five Loss To the Spurs

Categories: Sports

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Olympus is now one game away from falling. The Miami Heat stuck to the script and followed their Game Four win with a loss, dropping Game Five to the Spurs 114-104. We had a game mid-way through the third quarter, then San Antonio candy crushed the Miami Heat's entire life with an epic 19-1 run that saw a one point game turn into an 18 point Spurs lead. From there it was just all flashing colors, white noise, and Mario Chalmers shooting the ball at the basket like it was a pumpkin full of bees.

This was the story of the inevitable Manu game. Manu finished with 24 points, 10 assists, and Micheal Wilbon's entire credibility. Shockingly, Ginobli is not a fan of being told he is the reason cancer exists, and came out swinging when retired by the media, just as Dwyane Wade does. There are two things Manu Ginobli likes, Mike Miller guarding him, and sandwiches -- because sandwiches are delicious, and Mike Miller's hips are not connected to his upper body.

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Danny Green is the most impossible thing since I saw this cute picture of a dog and cat taking a nap together. This dude makes me want to eat my Sun Pass. Six more threes last night mean nobody has ever made more than his 23 in an NBA Finals, and he might have two more games to tack onto that record. Danny Green is your current front-runner for NBA Finals MVP, and alcohol poisoning is the current front-runner for my mid-week if the Heat can't figure out how to keep a body on this guy. The Spurs cut this guy twice, and the Cavs decided he wasn't good enough to play on the Cavs, so this gives me much hope that with practice, I can one day be good at sex. Unlikely, but he is a true role model.

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Now the dreaded "if necessary" star next to Game Seven makes your stomach turn. Christina Aguilera can stick THIS moment right up her ass. The Heat are all out of off nights. They are all out of blame-it-on-the-official nights. They are all out of we'll get them next times. They are now into 24/7 Do or Die time. One more disaster quarter and it's a summer of speculation and couch GM talk. One more win and it's down to a game for the blueprint. The Heat now have to win two straight games, something they haven't done since Derrick Rose was watching Bruce Willis movies. How bad do you want it? On the bright side, if I told you in October the Heat just had to win two straight games at home to be NBA champions again, you would probably take that scenario and opt out of the 74 games against the Nets and Hawks.

Prepare your anus for two days worth of "Heat haven't lost two straight games since Justin Bieber was cute and harmless" talk. Yeah, that's true, it's also true if they do not bring the absolute proper shit, the San Antonio Spurs will be covering the visiting locker room walls in old man jizz and Ace of Spades suds Tuesday. The minute you are sure of something in this series, you find out you're gay and have been since forever, then the next day you realize you're straight again, it's just man or woman cannot escape the beautiful in Jesse Williams eyes in that Samsung ad. Shut up, don't judge me.

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Whatever you're into, whatever is your thing, now would be the time to pull that particular thing out and throw it at your TV while crying. This has been a test, in the event of a real emergency you would have heard me sobbing uncontrollably and ambulance sirens.

Game Six is Tuesday in the place where rich people wear white shit. Let us pray.

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6 comments
Juan_Leg
Juan_Leg

Super Bowl Rings :

Kremlin - 1

D. Marino - 0

LOL !!!!!

txcwby6990
txcwby6990

The Heat are cooked.  The Big 3 will only need to bend over and grab their ankles for one more game.

CharlesKimbote
CharlesKimbote

More contrived drama from the NBA. Zebras will swallow their whistles in Game Six and allow the Heat to bludgeon the Spurs' swift shooters. Voila: "Miracle" comeback.

James G. Camp
James G. Camp

Get ready for the fix. As the Heat made a final push, that was the tune up for game 6. The Heat need game 6 & 7 for greatness. A Spurs championship, are the rings like retirement watches ?

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