Eight Types of Dolphins Fans
With the 2013 Miami Dolphins football season nearing, fans of all shapes, sizes, and attitudes are readying themselves for the return of the NFL. Some of us are 75 years old and lived through a time when this franchise was second to none. Others are in our mid-30s and for the vast majority of those years have been repeatedly kicked in the junk by this team. A bunch of Dolphins fans preparing for high school never once saw Dan Marino play.
No two Dolphins fans are the same -- like a snowflake! (No, not the Dolphin mascot "Snowflake" from Ace Ventura, an actual snowflake.) While none of us may be exactly the same, there is a kind of grouping or species identification system we can use as a reference to find our own in the wild. Below are just a few of the varieties of Dolphins fan.
Indifferent Dolphins Fan
Indifferent Dolphins fan is indifferent. This fan is just as close to painting his face as he is to putting a paper bag over it, which is to say he is not very close at all to doing either of these things because that would require giving a shit. Indifferent Dolphins fan watches the games at this point only out of pure habit and still wears a Daunte Culpepper jersey as a sign of the last time he even remotely cared. There is zero chance indifferent Dolphins fan ever attends a game in person, because indifferent Dolphins fan spends as little money as possible on his Dolphins fan indifference, which is why he is normally seen holding a Bud Light can. Indifferent Dolphins fan is the goth of the Dolphins fan community. Screw the conformists!
1972. Larry Csonka. Mercury Morris. THE KILLER B'S! Over and over and over! Hey, Al Bundy, we have heard about your four-touchdown game at Polk High every year at this time since Woodstock -- we get it. There are Dolphins fans who were wearing diapers the last time this team won a championship who are now just a few more rebuilding years away from wearing diapers once again. On the positive side, no one has more pride in the team than the Historian. On the negative side, the Historian has grandchildren who are sick of losing. The worst part about the Historian is how freaking jelly we are of him. That, and the fact that he has gray noise hair and smells like Drakkar Noir, but mostly because we are jealous he actually saw this team win -- even if it was in black-and-white. The Historian once got wasted with Kim Bokamper and remembers when Don Shula was the Erik Spoelstra of the NFL.