Monday Night Football: Five Keys to Dolphins at Saints Tonight

Categories: Sports

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Your Miami Dolphins enter tonight's showdown between two 3-0 teams primed for an opportunity to show the world these are not the same old Dolphins limping into a primetime NFL matchup only to play like a paper bag full of shit. No, these Dolphins are coming into the Big Easy to win this fucker and beat one of the elite teams in the NFL over the last five seasons.

If the Dolphins want to do that, they need to start off fast and clean up some of the miscues that have threatened their first three victories this season. Click through for our keys to a Fins win tonight.

1. For the Love of God, Please Protect Tannehill

We've asked you again and again. What will it take? A gift basket? A trip to Flanigan's for the entire offensive line? Hookers? Blow? Krokodil? We'll do just about anything at this point. The running backs have also contributed to the league-leading 14 sacks Tannehill's withstood. Shit, even Tannehill has by occasionally holding onto the ball too long. This shit needs to get fixed, like, yesterday. Stop it already!!! It's driving us crazy!!! Who's going to stop this fucking madness?!?!?!


2. Start Fast on Offense

The Dolphins have been a little slow on the take in each of the first 3 games, suffering from lackadaisical first halves but then rallying during the second half to seem like a tough-minded, physical team with great execution on offense. They cannot fall behind Drew Brees and his five billion weapons on offense. It's going to be very, very loud in the Superdome and it's crucial to shut that crowd the fuck up with an early lead. More than any game this season, this will be extremely important. The Dolphins fall behind by halftime and you might as well re-watch the last Breaking Bad episode with the rest of your Monday night.

3. Pretty Please With Sugar on Top Cover Jimmy Graham

In case you've been working in your greenhouse full of bonzai trees all season, Jimmy Graham has been exploding so far in 2013. The dude has 23 catches for 358 yards and four touchdowns. He's annihilating his career average in all those categories thus far. This should make Kevin Coyle's anus shrink to the size of a quark. Double-teaming him won't do shit and anything more than that just leaves New Orleans' other 50 awesome pass-catchers open for Brees to pick you apart. It makes us want to vomit. Jimmy Graham is going to violate us; let's just hope he spoons us afterwards and feeds us chocolate-dipped strawberries.

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