Eight Shocks Miamians Experience Every Time They Visit "Real America"
They say the best thing about Miami is how close it is to the United States, but is that really such a good thing? America -- real 'Murica -- is a strange land with bizarre cultures, and every time a Miamian travels to this perplexing territory, we can't help but feel dazed and confused trying to figure out how exactly these people live the way they live.
1. There are vast lands where people actually know how to drive.
There are two truths about Miami drivers: (1) We drive horribly. (2) We like to pretend we're the only ones in town who don't drive horribly.
Visiting real America reminds us that, yes, we too are no exception to rule number one. We've all been there. We're visiting somewhere and offer to drive our host out, and then, as we're making a full-speed turn after cutting across three lanes of traffic, we look over at our friend, praying for his life in the passenger seat. We look around at the street and see all these people who have these strange blinking lights on the front of their cars. We realize not a single person has cut us off going 20 miles over the speed limit. That's when it hits us: We're a monster behind the wheel. Maybe we're not the worst, but Miami has left us without the ability to drive like a civilized being. For a second we're horrified, but then we notice that yellow light is about to turn red, so we gun it and figure, "Eh, fuck 'em."
2. The only Latin food option is tacos.
via The DLC's Flickr/Creative Commons
Miami has restaurants that serve authentic cuisine from all almost everywhere in Latin America. As for real America, they've got a good deal on taco Tuesday over at El Mariachi. They don't even have warm croquetas at gas stations. Saying the word "arepa" might get us looked at funny while girls keep their distance. And if we ask where to get cafecito, we might get a response like, "Well, there's a café up on Main Street, and they usually have plenty of seats."