Eight Shocks Miamians Experience Every Time They Visit "Real America"

Categories: Listicles

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They say the best thing about Miami is how close it is to the United States, but is that really such a good thing? America -- real 'Murica -- is a strange land with bizarre cultures, and every time a Miamian travels to this perplexing territory, we can't help but feel dazed and confused trying to figure out how exactly these people live the way they live.

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1. There are vast lands where people actually know how to drive.
There are two truths about Miami drivers: (1) We drive horribly. (2) We like to pretend we're the only ones in town who don't drive horribly.

Visiting real America reminds us that, yes, we too are no exception to rule number one. We've all been there. We're visiting somewhere and offer to drive our host out, and then, as we're making a full-speed turn after cutting across three lanes of traffic, we look over at our friend, praying for his life in the passenger seat. We look around at the street and see all these people who have these strange blinking lights on the front of their cars. We realize not a single person has cut us off going 20 miles over the speed limit. That's when it hits us: We're a monster behind the wheel. Maybe we're not the worst, but Miami has left us without the ability to drive like a civilized being. For a second we're horrified, but then we notice that yellow light is about to turn red, so we gun it and figure, "Eh, fuck 'em."

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via The DLC's Flickr/Creative Commons
2. The only Latin food option is tacos.
Miami has restaurants that serve authentic cuisine from all almost everywhere in Latin America. As for real America, they've got a good deal on taco Tuesday over at El Mariachi. They don't even have warm croquetas at gas stations. Saying the word "arepa" might get us looked at funny while girls keep their distance. And if we ask where to get cafecito, we might get a response like, "Well, there's a café up on Main Street, and they usually have plenty of seats."

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22 comments
Cristian La Rosa
Cristian La Rosa

We take our time to arrive to places. Oye, we don't want to be thr first one to get there.

raykuan331
raykuan331

Born and Raised in Little Havana, but I'm living in Washington.... ARMY..... anyways, I went to a "Cuban Restaurant" out here and Bro Pa Que... Let me tell you that white folks got life fucked up out here with that they call a pan con bistec. The only place that I can say can party like Miami is Korea. Those chinitos push it harder than we do and they don't need molly or yayo to do so. DALEEEEEE!

Phil Ramirez
Phil Ramirez

There's Cuban time in the northeast... Ever been to Jersey City or West New York, by the Cuban lions monument?! Problem is that, these are the Cubans who arrived in 1959, thus very distant to these brute "tocame-la-pinga" Hialeans.

Louis Wing
Louis Wing

This article really hits the nail on the head! ...Things I've Learned Since I Moved from Miami to Philly: 1) Drinks are CHEAP! you can get a real top-shelf drink (in a glass) for $5. 2) Everything closes at 9pm, ugh. 3) You have to import Bostelo or Pilon, unless you can find it in the "Mexican" isle of the grocery store. 4) My car insurance dropped over 50%, I even added a car and it was still less. 5) There is actual shame in arriving late to a meeting or appointment; totally unlike Miami. 6) People speak English!

Adnarim Ed Yelsek
Adnarim Ed Yelsek

Oh man the one about the clubs is depressing! I've been to show up to clubs at 2:30am!

Phil Ramirez
Phil Ramirez

You missed how proper Hialeans drive, when past north of County Line Road (216th street). That's where 'Murica begins.

frankd4
frankd4 topcommenter

1) people actually speak ENGLISH as their first language AND

2) things actually run on TIME, (buses, trains, planes, appointments, special events, meetings, ceremonies, etc) other than whenever time stuff just happens

Alex Herrera
Alex Herrera

Wildlife and vegetation is so much greener the further up you go on the panhandle

Odimar Morales
Odimar Morales

You forgot about strip clubs and the lack thereof!

rodrigo A.cASper
rodrigo A.cASper

Was gonna say "you actually have to speak English" but I guess that falls under gringos everywhere

Keith Lawler
Keith Lawler

You forgot about the lack of valet parking everywhere. That would shock Miamians. The real America does have valet parking but only at rare mega events or the most exclusive hotels. I was shocked when I first moved here and my Miami wife valet parked at the shopping mall. Nobody in America would dream of that!

Valerie Hower
Valerie Hower

So true!!! The DJs everywhere cracked me up and I too was surprised in Orlando when everything closed down at 2am. Whaaaa?

Dan Marino
Dan Marino

Very funny! You forgot the most important. Most real Americans thrive on honesty and NOT fucking your fellow citizen.

Tattooed_Beekeeper
Tattooed_Beekeeper

i dunno .. miami is all exciting inside the box .. but when you look at it from outside the box .. it will make you want to move away.  Especially for the urban homesteader (wanting to grow your own food and keep animals)

such activities are shamed appon =) 
can get you a lean on the property 


http://www.southfloridasurvival.com/2013/09/article-tattooed-beekeeper-talks-bee.html

http://www.southfloridasurvival.com/2013/09/citizens-detained-in-miami-dade-county.html

http://www.southfloridasurvival.com/2013/09/potted-plants-are-illegal-why-you-cant.html


Carmen Ekert
Carmen Ekert

Seriously, tacos everywhere and everyone goes crazy because its authentic and exotic. Its adorable.

Steve Minegar
Steve Minegar

So true...I just completed an internship there, and I found all of this to be the case. Miami is so unique...I miss it

barbara.305
barbara.305

@Yeline Gomez  It was also kind of true...

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