Dolphins at Patriots: Five Keys To a Fins Win

Categories: Sports

The Dolphins travel to New England on Sunday and three weeks ago most Dolphins fans would have greeted this challenge with a salivating maw. Today, however, our collective asshole is clenched tighter than Justin Bieber entering the showers of a maximum security prison on national "Fuck a Horrible Human Day." This team was up and we felt awesome; they are down again and it's same old shit.

So here we are with that horrible, unsettling, un-Heat altogether familiar feeling of 'HOLY SHIT WE ARE ABOUT TO GET DESTROYED, AREN'T WE?."' We most certainly will be but here's some things to watch out for anyway:

1. Tom Brady is a Weirdo and We Should Be Better Than This Already
Nope. Still creepy at the end there.

Somehow this goddamn skeleton face has a model wife, an awesome NFL career despite being a 6th round pick and he's beaten us quite a few times -- yet still there he is yelling at wide receivers and winning last second games. Fuck this guy already. Can we please advance that whole 'we drafted Dion Jordan to make Tom Brady's life miserable' thing and destroy this guy's face? He doesn't even have any real receivers and he's still being annoyingly good. I hate him. I hate his face. I hate his 'tenacity' and 'toughness' and all that other disgusting bullshit slop that's been force-fed via every stupid cliche sports narrative available.

Furthermore, he's going to be VERY PISSED about what happened against the Jets last week. That could be really, really bad for us!

2. Is Bryant McKinnie Worth a Shit?
Not as a human or a lifelong VIP member at King of Diamonds, but along an offensive line that is easily the worst in the league and easily the difference between possibly being 3-3 and 4-2. This week the Dolphins traded for McKinnie and he's practiced a couple of days at left tackle. It is too early to tell if McKinnie will play THIS week given the importance of the position and the limited time he's had to learn the offense so we'll have to lean on Clabo/Martin again at the tackle positions if not. As for the rest of the season, McKinnie is still a bit of an unknown. At best, McKinnie provides size and leadership (neither of which the Dolphins current offensive line is really known for) and helps clear up some of the issues the Dolphins were having at the tackle positions (pssst...the guards are also sorta fucked). At worst and most likely, you replace Tyson Clabo's name with Martin's and Martin's with McKinnie's on Sundays when you're yelling your head off at the TV. Then you set yourself on fire in front of your friends and family!!! Wheeee! It's our time?

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