Embattled Dolphins Pull Off 22-20 Victory With Walk-Off Safety

Categories: Sports

de7e9f16d074d124410f6a706700e056.jpg

Holy fucking pumpkin seeds, that was crazy!

The Dolphins did the most Dolphins-y thing ever by snatching a victory from the jaws of defeat just as they were setting up to yet again snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. On a 3rd and 10 and with the Bengals backed up against their own goal line, Andy Dalton stepped back into the endzone and felt a cold, shivering, dark, menacing presence creep upon him when he was at his most fragile moment.

OH, AND WITH GREAT FURY AND DELIRIOUS ANGER THE KRAKEN WAS INDEED RELEASED ONTO ANDY DALTON'S FURRY GINGER HEAD. THE PUNISHMENT WAS QUITE EXCESSIVE, THE LAMENTATIONS OF THE WOMEN HEARD FAR AND WIDE AND THE BLOOD OF THE GINGER WAS SACRIFICED UNTO THE GODS FOR ALL TO SEE AND RELISH.

Cameron Wake absolutely engulfed Andy Dalton and led the much-maligned Dolphins to a 22-20 victory with a walk-off safety that was only the 3rd ever in NFL history. In case you hadn't heard, the past few days had not been so rosy for the Dolphins as reports surfaced that players were openly questioning the play-calling of Mike Sherman, Jonathan Martin took his ball and went home and certain local reporters were curiously making accusations about Coach Philbin and Executive Vice President Dawn Aponte that sounded nearly downright salacious in nature. Basically, a shitstorm rivaling The Perfect Storm's ending was coming upon Steve Ross, Jeff Ireland and Joe Philbin -- a shitstorm that would have included flying fucking piranhas if not for last night's crazy victory.

For now, the Dolphins have lived to fight another day by ending their 4-game skid and pulling off an impressive team win that showcased a resilient defense, some clutch quarterbacking down the stretch by Tannehill and improved, balanced play-calling that should take some of the heat off Sherman. For now. However, these are the Miami Dolphins and we have learned from history that every step forward for the team and the franchise involves five more exercises in skating around on one leg with a blindfold on while angry crows peck your skin off.

Of course, it helped that the NFL's Offensive Player for the Month of October (methinks perhaps a bit premature!!!) had an epically shitty night while throwing three interceptions, fumbling once (also caused by The Kraken) and giving up the game-ending sack like a dummy. The Dolphins defense was largely balls until they had to play nearly the entire third quarter because of two long drives by the Bengals, one of which was interrupted by a Brent 'COCKCAKES' Grimes 94-yard pick six that was the fourth-longest pick-six in Dolphins history. Surely he was congratulated postgame with a classy dessert featuring a graphic sexual act from someone in his immediate entourage.

As usual, Twitterverse was it's usual, disgusting, amazing self as evidenced below:

twitterbengals.jpg

The Dolphins now have 11 days off to enjoy this win, get a little healthier (Incognito, Carroll, and Dimitri Patterson all left the game), let all the drama about them subside a bit and hope everyone in Miami feels better about the world by focusing on the Heat for the next 11 days. It would also do the Dolphins a world of good to look inward and figure out what they're going to do about the offensive lineman that had a bit of a tantrum and literally ended up going STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL LIKE HE'D OVERDOSED ON CRAZY PILLS. Yeah, that might help.

But winning's cool for now ...

jmartweird.jpg
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.



Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help
1 comments
clayton44
clayton44

The defense scored 9 of the Dolphins 22 points and won the game for them.  You're not going to win a lot of NFL games with you offense scoring 13 points.

Now Trending

Miami Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...