New Book Divides U.S. into 11 "Nations," But South Florida Doesn't Belong to Any of Them

Categories: WTF Florida

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We may be America's wang on the map, but we're still American -- kinda
A new book divides the U.S. into eleven separate "nations," each with its own distinct culture and attitude toward violence. But bizarrely, South Florida doesn't belong to any of them.

It gets worse. SoFla is the only part of the country left out of author Colin Woodard's eleven nations. In fact, he includes large swaths of Mexico and Canada but we are still peninsula non grata. Instead, he just calls us "part of the Spanish Caribbean."

Pura mierda.

Woodard's book, American Nations: A History of the Eleven Rival Regional Cultures of North America, has the noble goal of explaining the true differences between cultures within the U.S. to better explain why they often clash, occasionally in violence.

He calls much of New England "Yankeedom," for instance:

Founded on the shores of Massachusetts Bay by radical Calvinists as a new Zion, Yankeedom has, since the outset, put great emphasis on perfecting earthly civilization through social engineering, denial of self for the common good, and assimilation of outsiders. It has prized education, intellectual achievement, communal empowerment, and broad citizen participation in politics and government, the latter seen as the public's shield against the machinations of grasping aristocrats and other would-be tyrants. Since the early Puritans, it has been more comfortable with government regulation and public-sector social projects than many of the other nations, who regard the Yankee utopian streak with trepidation.

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The "Deep South," by contrast, which encompasses the top half of Florida, is described as "meant as a West Indies-style slave society," Woodard writes. "This nation offered a version of classical Republicanism modeled on the slave states of the ancient world, where democracy was the privilege of the few and enslavement the natural lot of the many. Its caste systems smashed by outside intervention, it continues to fight against expanded federal powers, taxes on capital and the wealthy, and environmental, labor, and consumer regulations."

But his decision to leave off South Florida is baffling, particularly because he specifically mentions the killing of Trayvon Martin as an example of conflicting views on violence in action.

So are we a nationless nodule on the corpus americanus?

The answer is the same in any language: mierda; bullshit.

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South Florida may be stocked full of recent arrivals from the so-called "Spanish Caribbean," and yes, Miami is called the "capital of Latin America," but that doesn't mean SoFla shouldn't be considered part of the United States.

Whether they are Cuban, Venezuelan, Colombian, or Haitian, many of the people who immigrate to South Florida do so because of strong beliefs about the rule of law, freedom of speech, the size of government, gun control, and violence. In other words, exactly the type of hot button issues that Woodard is ultimately trying to explain.

Woodard leaving South Florida off his map -- full disclosure, we haven't had a chance to read his whole book -- seems like an oversight.

So here's our own suggested entry, which we're calling Swamplandia in honor of local writer Karen Russell:

Founded by a teetotalling widow and a monopolist oil baron, Swamplandia has long been a menagerie of delusional dreamers, Ponzi schemers, and rakish ruffians reinventing themselves in a tropical climate. It prizes cash, money, dinero, moolah, balling hard, Maybachs, strippers, champagne, cocaine, surgically sculpted T&A, and -- above all -- American football. Since 1980, it has been more comfortable speaking Spanish than English, but if you need to ask why pues vete pa la pinga con ese pendejo Fidel. We clash with pretty much every other region, which all see us as superficial outsiders. But, like, whatever. Swamplandia may be the newest of American nations, yet we're American all the same.

What would you call the "nation" of South Florida? And how would you define it? Let us know in the comments section below.

And piss off Yankeedom.

Send your tips to the author, or follow him on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

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29 comments
rubicx
rubicx

On his map, South Florida should belong to New Netherland, just like the New Orleans area belongs to New France, especially if he was looking at voting patterns. His decision to leave South Florida out of the US and place it in the Spanish Caribbean only reflects his own prejudices. 

for4545
for4545

those born in florida should get a visa to live in the usa because miami is definitely not american and plus the portugese are coming as well and I am definitely not going to be able to speak that language i cant wait to get the hell out.

adolfojherrera
adolfojherrera

The book is absolutely correct and dead on. South Florida is nothing like The USA. We make corrupt Chicago politicians seem like altar boys. Our corruption is blatant and open for the world to see. We are another third world nation.

Sotharith Bee Chhim
Sotharith Bee Chhim

well just driving on the roads you know the mass's do not observe U.S. traffic laws. I always pretend i'm in another country when I drive; just makes sense to me and limits the amount of "WTF'S?"

Stephen Blake
Stephen Blake

This is just a copycat of the book “The Turner Diaries” written by White Supremacist William Luther Pierce written in 1979 in which America would be divided up by race. “Plagiarism and Racism” should be the title of this book.

sagegeniuz
sagegeniuz

this confirms my every suspicion. I live in a city where I am surrounded by complete morons. I thought there was definitely something wrong with me. it had to be my perception. no way in hell can I be living in the absolute shit hole of America. the twilight zone doesn't exist....

well... come to find out. its all true. this city IS completely fucked up. I gotta get the fuck out of here before I lose my ability to think intelligently.

Francisco Soler
Francisco Soler

I thought we were the tip of America's penis... apparently not even that :) Guys, read the book. You will concede that we are simply not as historically relevant in this great country of ours. Let's look forward then.

Tamico Gilbert
Tamico Gilbert

I think South Florida is more than just part of the "Spanish Caribbean" but rather it is just this beautiful crossroads of the Americas. It has some Spanish Caribbean and Latin America in general, has the English Caribbean and The Bahamas mixed in, some French Caribbean with Little Haiti in there .. then it has the New Yorkers and a bit of Hollywood ... it's just this really cool cultural fuckin spot that is just one of my favourite places to be.

Seán J. McMahon
Seán J. McMahon

Some girl got really offended once at me at FIU because I said Miami isn't really 'America.' I mean, what do I know, I'm just from outside of South Florida... lol

rmackman
rmackman

Really?  They have the Midwest as part of the same system as the Northeast?  Are you going to tell me Milwaukee, St. Louis, and Detroit are similar to New York City, Boston, and Philadelphia?  Each region has a completely different way of speaking, thinking, and value systems.  I'm not sure I'd think too much into this book.

Camilo Antonio Layne
Camilo Antonio Layne

We already knew that! We're our own sovereign nation ...You need a passport to enter South Florida ...LOL

Rodrigo Cayo
Rodrigo Cayo

We should be named "Latino Americans United".

katdbass
katdbass

This book is about 2 years old though.

j.pollo
j.pollo

You can't have a South Florida. Naples, Hollywood, Hialeah and Big Pine Key have very little in common.

Phil Ramirez
Phil Ramirez

Brad, the writer is referring to South Florida as not being part of the Eleven Nations, but rather "Part of the Spanish Caribbean." Trayvon met his demise in an area he wasn't supposed to be: THE DEEP SOUTH.

Emmett Conrecode
Emmett Conrecode

Divide and conquer. The enemies of freedom couldn't defeat US on the battlefield so the are infiltrating and a beating US at the ballot box. :-(

Brad Beaty
Brad Beaty

Trayvon was killed in central Florida, which is clearly highlighted in this map. Your argument is invalid.

erikace
erikace

south florida especially miami, even though it might follow its democratic laws is not by anyway a representation of the US!..... and i live here! ( well kinda half in west palm and half in miami) People come here not for the american dream.... they come here like if it was a refugee camp trying to flee wherever they came from and then go back when/if things get better. For the most part new immigration ( about 10 years ago until now) does assimilate to the american culture like in many other cities and think of the English language as an ugly burden! 

voltrade
voltrade

sofl isn't part of america. it's a caribbean vacation stop

rubicx
rubicx

@Gabriel E. Meza No, you don't. Florida does not have an income tax, because Floridians don't have much income.

christianj.anaya
christianj.anaya

@Stephen Blake This book doesn't divide the country by race as you suggest it does. It divides the country by voting habits, regional values, types of laws, and regional origins. You should actually do some research before diverting to racism.

sagegeniuz
sagegeniuz

@Seán McMahon I bet you the bitch was from hialeah

christianj.anaya
christianj.anaya

@rmackman Look at the map again. New York is part of New Netherland, St. Louis is part of Greater Appalachia, Philly is part of The Midlands, and Milwaukee and Detroit are part of Yankeedom. They're not all lumped in together. Do you know where any of these places are?


sagegeniuz
sagegeniuz

@Brad Beaty he went to Miami central and was in Orlando on vacay son

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