15 Names for Miami's New Soccer Team

Categories: Sports

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Come next Tuesday, Miami will likely be one step closer to getting its first real Major League Soccer team (sorry, Fusion, but Fort Lauderdale doesn't count). That's when county commissioners will vote on whether to allow Mayor Carlos Gimenez to identify possible stadium locations and enter talks with private developers.

Yesterday there were (bogus) rumors that the team could be called Miami Beckham United. It turns out that's just the name of a corporation belonging to David Beckham, who is the man behind Miami's expected MLS expansion franchise.

But it got us thinking: What should the team be called? Here are 15 possible names.

Anhingas:
We might as well start with the obvious: animals. Amazingly, unlike other leagues, the MLS doesn't have any clubs named after savage beasts. The closest it comes is the New York Red Bulls, and that's really after the energy drink. "Gators" is taken. So are "Pelicans" and "Panthers." "Pythons" seems unlikely given that they have no legs. So why not the "Miami Anhingas"? Those fuckers are everywhere.

Flamingos:
Then again, many Americans -- or Miamians, for the matter -- have a hard time saying "anhingas," so it might be better to stick with another, more classic Miami bird: the flamingo. But the name won't exactly terrify opponents, will it?

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Stian Roenning
Tell me this wouldn't freak out someone from Orlando.
Chongas:
What will strike fear into more straight-laced visitors, however, would be the "Miami Chongas." Nobody outside South Florida knows what the fuck a chonga is, so when the opposing team arrives and finds Juleisy and Karla in its locker room, we'll already be halfway to victory.

Sicarios:
If it were down to pure alliteration, the Miami Marksmen would be perfect. But let's be honest. Most of the people attending these games will be Hispanic, many of them recently arrived from Latin America. And what is the scariest shit in Latin America? Sicarios (hit men). We always hit our target.

Atlético de Miami:
This one is straightforward and classy. It's reminiscent of Atlético de Madrid and would go well with a suit-clad David Beckham standing in a skybox. On the downside, it might be a bit of a mouthful for his cockney accent: Af-leh-i-co day Mi-ah-mi.


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90 comments
Andrew Creech
Andrew Creech

Steal the mascot for Miami from Baseketball; The Miami Dealers.

Bruce Bradshaw
Bruce Bradshaw

the Miami mantua's or the Miami Glades or the Miami Serpents

jmjurist60
jmjurist60

Miami McRib.  They're here for a limited time...

George I'doccupyThat Owen
George I'doccupyThat Owen

Actually I'm gonna go ahead and take the miami laser and use it as my own brand linked to no sport...just a mentality.

George I'doccupyThat Owen
George I'doccupyThat Owen

"The Miami Laser" and you can have a topless chick with soccer balls painted on her boobs riding a light bike from tron as the logo. It would match that wack shit the marlins pulled off with the clevelander in stadium. It's all about bringing it full circle.

TK Small
TK Small

Miami Hustle is still better

tustinunited_b88
tustinunited_b88

AC Miami.... or... AC Miami Vice... but not United.. or FC... or any animal name...I would even accept Miami Fusion....

tustinunited_b88
tustinunited_b88

AC Miami.... or AC Miami Vice... but not FC..not United.. and not any animal

drakemallard
drakemallard topcommenter

Miami tax payer funded Silly Nannys

Tamara Munoz Cid
Tamara Munoz Cid

Miguel Angel Gonzalez Cañas Miami fans are the worse, perhaps once is established and start winning the first couple of games. then everyone in 305 will jump in the beckham bandwagon and become a fan. negativity at it's finest! I'm excited to see it happen, will support from the beginning.

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