15 Names for Miami's New Soccer Team
Come next Tuesday, Miami will likely be one step closer to getting its first real Major League Soccer team (sorry, Fusion, but Fort Lauderdale doesn't count). That's when county commissioners will vote on whether to allow Mayor Carlos Gimenez to identify possible stadium locations and enter talks with private developers.
Yesterday there were (bogus) rumors that the team could be called Miami Beckham United. It turns out that's just the name of a corporation belonging to David Beckham, who is the man behind Miami's expected MLS expansion franchise.
But it got us thinking: What should the team be called? Here are 15 possible names.
We might as well start with the obvious: animals. Amazingly, unlike other leagues, the MLS doesn't have any clubs named after savage beasts. The closest it comes is the New York Red Bulls, and that's really after the energy drink. "Gators" is taken. So are "Pelicans" and "Panthers." "Pythons" seems unlikely given that they have no legs. So why not the "Miami Anhingas"? Those fuckers are everywhere.
Then again, many Americans -- or Miamians, for the matter -- have a hard time saying "anhingas," so it might be better to stick with another, more classic Miami bird: the flamingo. But the name won't exactly terrify opponents, will it?
Stian Roenning Tell me this wouldn't freak out someone from Orlando.
What will strike fear into more straight-laced visitors, however, would be the "Miami Chongas." Nobody outside South Florida knows what the fuck a chonga is, so when the opposing team arrives and finds Juleisy and Karla in its locker room, we'll already be halfway to victory.
If it were down to pure alliteration, the Miami Marksmen would be perfect. But let's be honest. Most of the people attending these games will be Hispanic, many of them recently arrived from Latin America. And what is the scariest shit in Latin America? Sicarios (hit men). We always hit our target.
Atlético de Miami:
This one is straightforward and classy. It's reminiscent of Atlético de Madrid and would go well with a suit-clad David Beckham standing in a skybox. On the downside, it might be a bit of a mouthful for his cockney accent: Af-leh-i-co day Mi-ah-mi.