Dolphins Pummel Hated Jets 23-3: "Let's See If We Can Get a Good Punt"

Categories: Sports

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The Dolphins went into Dirty Jersey yesterday and beat the living bananas out of a very bad but extremely pleasant to watch Jets team. The Dolphins cruised to a 23-3 victory and kept alive their slim hopes of sneaking into the sixth playoff spot. Losses by Pittsburgh, San Diego, and the Jets began to clear up a once-murky playoff situation in the AFC.

Before the second half, however, the game was harder to watch than the Irreversible rape scene. Both teams were unable to get anything going on offense. Early on, Tannehill was dreadful, chucking poorly thrown passes to receivers or holding onto the ball too long to even get a chance to underthrow. The score remained 0-0, prompting a number of colorful Twitter reactions:

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Going into the half, the score was 6-0 Dolphins, and the abhorrent play by both QBs prompted both Bill Cowher and even Dan Marino to call Tannehill "bad." Tannehill must have been watching this while lovingly admiring the newest modeling photos of his skinny and overhyped wife because he came out with no pants on in the second half and proceeded to anally violate the stupid Jets. Tannehill finished with 331 yards passing and two TDs for as solid of a performance as he's had in recent weeks. As the game wore on, he seemed to get more comfortable and made quicker, better decisions with the ball. Maybe he's finally starting to get it.

The Dolphins also somehow gained 125 yards on the ground against the NFL's best run defense and, as predicted in our preview last Friday, Brian Hartline was like a chipmunk accruing acorns for a long winter by hauling in nine passes for 127 yards and his third touchdown on the year.

Of course, none of this was possible without an absolutely crap performances by Geno Smith and Matt Sims as QBs for the stinkin' Jets. Smith started the game but was pulled in the second half by Rex Ryan because Smith was literally endangering the lives of everyone NOT wearing green and white for the team. Ushers, children, food vendors, the Goodyear blimp -- no one was safe from Geno Smith's arm and its voracious appetite for innocent blood. Even better was the knuckle-dragging Jets crowd getting all happy and excited when Matt Sims entered the game and proceeded to also be incredibly crappy and boring. It was like replacing a sandwich made of rusty nails with a sandwich made of old, dirty socks. It was hilarious to watch for any Dolphins fan as we enjoy this golden era of Jets football in the post-ButtFumble haze.

The Dolphins are now just out of the sixth playoff spot despite having the same record as the current holder of it (Baltimore) because of a loss against them earlier this year. Stupid Sturgis. However, with games left against a weakened Pittsburgh team, New England, Buffalo, and the Jets, even if the Dolphins do not make it in as the second wild card, they are in a good position to, at the very least, make a final run to earn the franchise's first winning season since 2008. This will likely mean another year of survival for Ireland, Philbin, and the rest of the Dolphins' brain trust.

The 2013 Dolphins: SLIGHTLY above average maybe possibly? It's our time, indeed!

But, hey, at least we beat those stinkin' Jets and we've earned this Victory Monday! Woohoooo!

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