Dolphins Win. Michael Thomas Intercepts. Maybe It Is Our Time.

Categories: Sports

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After 7 straight losses against the Pats dating back to 2009, the Miami Dolphins held strong against Tom Brady and a Pats team that had feasted all year on last-minute comebacks. As the Dolphins took the lead with 1:15 to go, the feeling in every Dolphins fan's stomach was "Oh shit, here we go again," with the Pats having ample Tom-Brady-comeback-time to get their dry cleaning done, drink a mint julep, and read all of War and Peace.

However, the Dolphins' bend-don't-break defense was able to hold off Brady's comeback and send maybe hundreds of white, crusty males who attended the game at Sun Life in their ridiculous WELKAAAAH jerseys back to Waltham or whatever annoying New England town they're from with nothing but an ugly loss and a few sad lap dances at Tootsie's. The post-victory walk down the Sun Life ramps must have been most delicious!

Things did not begin well for the Dolphins because an early FG attempt yielded a bit of a "buttfumble" off punter Brandon Fields' face:

Yikes. Naturally, Twitter was aflutter with the usual Dolphins-related trepidation after this latest dork-blunder:

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Things did not look good for the Dolphins after this, but somehow they found their mojo shortly before halftime, when the two-min offense yielded a quick-strike Tannehill-to-Wallace TD that had the Dolphins trailing the Pats 10-7 at halftime. This was a harbinger of things to come in the second half as the Dolphins found "The Glow."

Early in the fourth quarter, Tannehill led the comeback with a good drive and a quick TD pass to Daniel Thomas for the lead. Brady then drove down the field for a Julian Edelman touchdown following a Pats FG, giving the Pats a 20-17 lead with less than three minutes to go. Tannehill then took a hard shot of 180-year-old whiskey, opened his weapons chest, selected the BIG BAD MUTHAFUCKA COCK, and led the Dolphins down the field for the go-ahead score to Marcus Thigpen. Hats off to Joe Philbin as well (who earlier opted for the buttface FB fumble rather than go for it on fourth and one), going for it on a crucial fourth and five that was flawlessly executed by Big Play Clay.

This all set up the final drive for Brady, who went after rookie Will Davis (filling in for injured Brent Grimes AND Nolan Carroll) time and time again on the final two Patriots drives, and there was that overall tightening of the rectal region we Dolphins fans know all too well. But then, out of NOWHERE, came a new, sexy hero to save the day.

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Recent acquisition from the 49ers practice squad, Michael Thomas, whose name is so unfamiliar to Dolphins fans that he could be confused for Miami Vice star Philip Michael Thomas, suddenly emerged on the final drive and had not one, but two crucial plays down the stretch that literally had "Who is #31?" trending all over Twitter by game's end. Thomas not only knocked away a Brady-to-Amendola TD pass but also intercepted Brady in the end zone on the game's final play. Blowjobs, unicorns, poor children receiving Christmas gifts, puppies, kittens, and fireworks!

The Dolphins have somehow, inexplicably, during one of the strangest seasons ever, controlled their own destiny with two more wins (after a Bengals loss last night), avoided another 7-9 season, Tannehill has 23 TDs (the most since someone named Dan Marino), the Dolphins went all NONONONO-finger-wag-Mutombo on Brady's bid to tie Marino for fourth-most wins by a quarterback (147), and -- for one day -- Michael Thomas gets ALL the handjobs in the VIP.

All of this happened, AND Tom Brady had a big, ol', expletive-riddled sad during the postgame news conference.

Shit. Maybe it IS our time.

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14 comments
Jose Arpajon
Jose Arpajon

Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez is right. MNT spends a lot of time writing negative articles and blogs about our city. Now The Dolphins have a shot and they want to jump on the bandwagon!?!...Smh!!!

GIM.
GIM.

i can hear the bangwagoners ready to come on board.... but they def should to stick to instagraming pictures of themselves at the AAA arena or maybe wait around till the marlins make a run? i dont want fake ass fans that doubted this team a few weeks ago/past seasons to ruin it 

Dicky Bobby Perez
Dicky Bobby Perez

marlins stadium isn't a bad idea. just bad ownership . give that stadium to mickey and he'll make a gem out of it. but remodeling the ob would have been ideal

Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez
Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez

but dont worry ill be here reading your post afterwards about how it was all worth it....

Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez
Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez

execpt when the marlins win it all all those bozos like yourself will be on here appreciating it....

Miami New Times
Miami New Times

Carlos, people called us a "bitch ass" when we told them the Marlins stadium was a bad idea. Now look where we are. Have a nice day.

Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez
Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez

u sound like the "bitch ass" fans that only attend games when we are winning already..so yea..blind must be correct

Miami New Times
Miami New Times

Carlos, questioning leadership is not being a "bitch ass." Now following blindly...

Dave Lindo
Dave Lindo

they play before where your defense tackled the reciever before the ball came shoulda oh well pats still #1

Cary Gonzalez
Cary Gonzalez

Shhhh....don't jinx it. Let's all pretend it's business as usual at Fins camp.....

Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez
Carlos Cnotez Rodriguez

wait... now u wanna say "its our time"? cpl weeks ago u was talkin a whole lotta shit... smfh go figure....bitch ass MNT

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