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From Lil Wayne to Miley Cyrus: Ten Luke Columns That Stirred the Pot in 2013

Categories: Luke's Gospel

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Alex Izaguirre
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke looks back on 2013's best hits.

A lot of folks get upset over the things I write, but I call 'em like I see em based on facts. The Florida Press Club has cited the stuff I've come up with, so I know I'm pushing the right buttons sometimes. And judging by the ten most popular columns of the past year, I think the readers love it when I stir the pot:

10. "Miley Cyrus Is Doing What Got Me Banned in the USA," August 26. Miley and every rapper out there can thank me for making them millions of dollars off twerking, a dance I originated when I was making booty music. If I hadn't fought all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, twerking would be considered an obscene act that gets you banned across America.

9. "Free Johnny Manziel, Abolish the NCAA," August 13. It was absolutely absurd that the collegiate athletics sanctioning body wasted time and resources trying to nail Johnny Football for signing his name on some memorabilia.

8. "George Zimmerman's Acquittal Shows Nothing Has Changed Since Emmett Till," July 15. Some 58 years since the heinous homicide of the 14-year-old Mississippi boy, white men can still count on the criminal justice system to let them off for killing African-American teens.

7. "Jameis Winston Is Getting Railroaded," December 3. As I predicted, the Tallahassee state attorney couldn't press sexual assault charges because Winston's accuser's story didn't add up.

6. "A Jury With No Black Members Guarantees George Zimmerman Will Get Away With Murder," June 25. I was dead-on. Now Zimmerman is free to continue terrorizing people, like his ex-wife and his now ex-fiancée, who both accused him of getting violent.

5. "The Zimmerman Trial Shows How Obama Has Failed Inner-City Schools," July 2. Rachel Jeantel's inability to articulate her idea of what happened to her friend Trayvon Martin during George Zimmerman's trial is a result of Barack Obama failing to improve public schools.

4. "It's Time for Another National Black Boycott of Miami Beach," May 31. The only way African-American visitors will get respect in the city is by spending their money elsewhere.

3. "Spike Lee Is No Quentin Tarantino," January 15. The African-American director made a big stink about Tarantino making a hard-core movie about slavery, so I had to put Lee in his place. Spike is jealous his movies don't measure up to Tarantino's.

2. "Rick Ross: Calm Down Before You End Up Like Biggie," February 5. The Bawse needed some friendly advice after unknown assailants popped off an AK-47 at his Fort Lauderdale home following his birthday celebration at LIV.

1. "It's Time Miami Stops Being Lil Wayne's Bitch," February 19. Shortly after Lil Wayne said, "Fuck the Miami Heat," LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh put Miami's entertainment industry on notice that Weezy doesn't run this city. I do.

If you thought I was off the chain in 2013, wait till next year. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1 and @UncleLukesEmpir

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.


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