Space Jam 2 Starring LeBron James: A Humble Sequel Idea
Yesterday came news that LeBron James would be starring in his very first movie. It's a basketball comedy co-starring comedian Kevin Hart, and not, to the dismay of nostalgic millenials, the sequel to the Michael Jordan and Loney Tunes '90s classic Space Jam that the world deserves.
Dreams of a Space Jam 2 starring LeBron James have long floated out there in the internet. Even LeBron James himself has said he'd love to do it, but how would one actually do a sequel to Space Jam? Even with a new star it's kind of hard to make a movie about an NBA player helping the Looney Tunes out by playing a game of high stakes basketball presumably against a gang of evil aliens without it being almost exactly the same as the original.
Well, our fan fiction game isn't too strong, but we think we've got the perfect plot for LeBron's hypothetical Space Jamming, complete with its own sports movie cliché lesson. And we've decided, even though this may be the dumbest thing ever published in Riptide history, to share it with you.
Act I: LeBron goes out for the season with an injury and the return of Swackhammer.
The movie starts on opening day of the NBA season in the American Airlines Arena. The Heat are set to take on whichever team doesn't mind being used as generic opponents in the movie. (So, the Milwaukee Bucks probably.) The first three quarters are a typical LeBron show, but during a drive to the basket in the fourth quarter LeBron gets viciously knocked to the ground and doesn't get up. Silence blankets the arena as the crowd realizes the injury is serious. LeBron is taken off the court in a stretcher. Cue a montage of sports casters declaring that LeBron may be out for the season and predicting that the Heat's season might as well be over as well without their star player.
Meanwhile, Swackhammer, the Danny Devito-voiced villain from the first film, sits in a moon prison staffed entirely by a Nerdlucks (remember those guys? So cute!) staff. He looks unkempt with dead eyes. He hasn't talked since the Monstars blasted him off to the moon. He sits alone most days watching sports highlights in the prison media room, and of course is watching the LeBron news. This awakens something in him. He then begins switching furiously between sports channels. "Peyton Manning is so dominate I really think he could make the NFL playoffs with a high school team," says sports talking head. "This team is really nothing without Cristiano Ronaldo. He's practically out there doing it all himself," says another in some European accent. "It doesn't matter what the rest of the team is doing, as long as Miguel Cabrera is at bat they pose a threat," says another.
"That's it," Swackhammer says to himself. "I didn't need a superstar team. I just needed one dominate player."
Meanwhile, there's some sort of discord down in Tune Land. Maybe they're arguing over a new ordinance (Tune Land has a civic government, right? Or are they just anarchists?) that would ban anvil dropping. Tune shenanigans ensuit. Naturally Daffy and Bugs lead the warring factions.
Throw in a couple of scenes of LeBron James feeling sorry for himself, watching the Heat form home injured. Let's cast Rebel Wilson in a role as his rehab therapist, sort of similar to the comic relief role Wayne Knight played in the first movie.
Meanwhile, back on the moon Swackhammer devises an escape plan by promising a group of ten Nerdluck security guards fame and fortune beyond their wildest dreams. Once escaped he instructs the Nerdlucks to go out and steal the powers of the greatest athletes from all sports, including the aforementioned ones from the sports highlights. A female Nerdlucks drains powers from both Williams sisters. Another targets Ryan Locht, because even the villains need some comic relief. A confused Nerdluck targets WWE superstar John Cena. Throw in a few jokes about how wrestling isn't a sport. Swackhammer instructs another to steal LeBron's talent, assuming that his leg might be broken but his skills are still available for stealing (does anyone know the exact physics behind the Nerdluck's skill stealing?). The Nerdluck, confused, ends up at AAA arena and saps Pat Riley's powers instead (who doesn't want to see a Monstar with greased back hair?), but reports he completed his Lebron-skill-stealing duties anyway.
Anyway, with his new team assembled Swackhammer flies back down to Tune Land. He convinces the Tunes he's a changed
man moon alien thing presumably of male gender, and proposes a friendly charity sports tournament to help raise money to correct his past wrongs. The Tunes are still arguing over the anvil dropping ordinance, and Daffy proclaims there's no way they could win without dropping a few anvils. Bugs bets him they can, and if they do anvil dropping will be banned. She he immediately signs Swackhammer's contract. Only after he realizes that Daffy's faction could throw the games does Swackhammer reveal that the contract would actually result in the enslavement of the Looney Tunes should they lose, and he reveals his new team of Monstars.
Bum Bum Bum!