LeBron Fails, Anthony Departs, Heat Loses Again!

Categories: Sports

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The guys who run the the Heat superstore secretly replaced the regular Miami Heat with the generic brand. They wanted to see if we noticed.

Yeah, we noticed.

The Washington Wizards came out of the gate wizarding harder than they have ever wizarded before, scoring 43 points in the first quarter, on their way to a 114-97 win. But the score doesn't tell the entire story. This game was a family-size portion of butt-ugly.

The loss makes the Heat the proud owners of a newborn baby losing streak, now three games old. Such a big boy! The three-game opposite of a winning streak is a thing that has not happened to the Heat since January 2012, which -- I just checked -- is a long time ago.

Leading the Wizards in their wizardry was John Wall, who finished with 25 points, nine assists, and five rebounds. All five Wizards whizzed pretty good, finishing in double figures. Nene Hilario had 19 points and nine assists. It's always "Hilario-us" when a freaking team's big man drops nine dimes right in your suck hole. Freaking illegal sorcery.

Oooooookkkk-den.

NOPE! NOT TRUE!

LeBron James promised to go cobra dong all over the Wizards. It never happened. James had 26 points that felt like the eight that Wade had. Bosh had 25. I had fingernails before this game started. We all had three hours of no fun. The end.

Pat Riley took in the game after hooking up with the team in D.C. for the annual (though maybe not next year) "congratulations on being the best" meeting with President Obama.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppp, our thoughts exactly, Pat Riley, and a guy whose name I've heard a hundred times since 1988 yet still can't remember. Riley spoke before the game about the team's trade of Joel Anthony, and it seemed like he was on the verge of tears. Sad Pat Riley makes me sad. No more sad Pat Riley, you guys.

Greg Oden made his Miami Heat debut Wednesday night, marking his first NBA action since 2009, and he wasted little time reminding everyone why the Heat took a chance on him. You know what they say -- you can't teach tall. They don't even have a Biogenesis clinic for that yet, I think. Oden remains 7'2'', which is an advantageous trait if your profession is the National Basketball Association.

Oden gave the Heat a quick six points and two rebounds in his first five-minute stint. If he continues providing this kind of effort, Outkast will have to play a show at the AAA, because Heat fans are gonna have a freaking JizzFest.

Who does this? This isn't a thing that is normal, like ever -- not even in your office with a co-worker throwing a paper ball. The craziest part is it does seem normal now. At some point, Superman got used to being able to fly, and Spider-Man was no longer impressed by the fact that he could swing from skyscrapers by his Spidey wrist. This seems kinda like that.

Next up for the Heat are the tanktastic Philadelphia 76ers, a team that has already beaten the Heat this season, mainly because this season's face has been so stupid so far. The Heat are 27-11, but almost all of those 11 losses have come against teams that have no business beating back-to-back defending champions. The good news is the season is not even halfway gone. But on the other hand, the bad news is the season is almost halfway gone, because math never sleeps. The Heat has earned our patience, so we'll just have to grant the guys some patience credits till they figure it out.

Never forget. We'll miss you, Warden.

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Pour some out for your homies who ain't here no mo'.

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