Marlins Opening Day: Meet Your New, Mildly Less Crappy 2014 Fish

Categories: Sports

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Meet your new and improved 2014 Miami Marlins! Now with 100 percent less Logan Morrison but with the same great taste!

As Marlins fans get ready for tonight's home opener against the Rockies, they really should be used to the drill. The Ponzi scheme that was owner Jeffry Loria's 2012 spending spree will never happen again. Instead, it's back to the "Marlins way": cheap young players under the team's control until flying cars are the norm, mixed with veteran players looking to use the Marlins as their own personal baseball career rehab.

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Rafael Furcal, 2B
Once upon a time, having speedy Rafael Furcal at the top of your order was a luxury, a sign you were a true contender. Not in 2014. Furcal is 36 years old, no longer a real threat on the bases, and prone to injury. Since 2006, Furcal has played in 100 or more games just twice and missed all of last year recovering from Tommy John surgery. Oh, and he's switching to second base, a spot on the diamond he last played in 2004 with the Braves, for one game. This will shock you: Furcal has missed most of spring training with a hamstring injury and will start the season on the DL.

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Christian Yelich, LF
2010 Marlins first-round pick Christian Yelich's time has come. Last season, Yelich saw his first MLB action and batted a respectable .288 in 240 at-bats. Yelich is projected to start the season in the most favorable spot in the batting order, the spot we call "let's pitch to this guy, because the next guy looks like Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones." One would imagine Yelich will have plenty of pitches to hit with Giancarlo Stanton batting behind him, and once he gets on base, he has proven a capable base-stealing threat, swiping a perfect ten of ten in his rookie year.

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Giancarlo Stanton, RF
Monster dongs. All Giancarlo has done since entering the league is hit 117 HRs, 294 RBIs, appeared naked in ESPN the Magazine, and changed his name from "Mike." And he's just 24. The craziest thing about Stanton is you get the feeling he hasn't come close to reaching his potential, mainly due to injuries that have limited him to an average of only 435 at bats a year. Also limiting him: the fact that he has played his entire career on the Marlins.

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Garrett Jones, 1B
Out is Logan Morrison; in is Garrett Jones. Don't everyone throw your orange Marlins hats in the air at once in jubilation. Jones is a 32-year-old .254 career hitter who has never cracked 86 RBIs and has average power. On the bright side, Jones does not have the world's most annoying Twitter feed.

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Jarrod Saltalamacchia, C
The best part about the Marlins' signing Saltalamacchia is the world no longer has to hear Red Sox fans yelling "SAWLTEH!" Salty comes to the Marlins after one good year with the Red Sox. Before that, he was a highly regarded prospect who bounced around from Texas to Atlanta, back to Texas, and then to Boston, where he hasn't very good outside 2012. Any of this sound familiar? The last time the Marlins paid big bucks to a catcher coming off a career year, his name was John Buck. Let's hope this signing goes a tad better than that one.


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18 comments
frankd4
frankd4 topcommenter

...................................it's not FAN v OWNER because most people knew the team would be gutted and the taxpayer would get stuck with the $562,ooo,ooo for the stadium = period

nothing in SO FLA is properly supported, the arts, restaurants, education, sports, because people are P O O R and this isn't a big city market for TV so there is only so much that can be done,  otherwise TOURISM pays for it all

TOURISTs and snow-birds during season account for a significant volume with places like shopping malls in AVENTURA and SAWGRASS MILLLs are TOP tourist attractions and many many have bought real estate here as well

the average "fan" can't afford to commute to the J O B when the price of gas goes over $4 per gallon .................................so forget about year-round residents supporting teams selling $55 single seats per game

Ralph Duran Pierluisi
Ralph Duran Pierluisi

I support and root, just not with my wallet until Loria sells. Hell, I moved like 5 blocks away from the ballpark partly due to the ballpark and now my pride won't let me go lol.

Ralph Duran Pierluisi
Ralph Duran Pierluisi

Anthony Sanchez..... I get what you're saying but guess who also thinks the way you do, Jeffrey Loria, he knows people support no matter what....thats the basis of his evil.

Richard Herrera
Richard Herrera

1. Cubs actually try to keep competitive rosters 2. Cleveland ain't Miami as far as things to do. 3. While agree the players have nothing to do with it the person really benefitting from you going to the games robbed you. Wake up. Read the news paper to follow the team. Just don't buy shit. #wideawakefan #realmarlinsfan #realmiamifan

Cary Gonzalez
Cary Gonzalez

Cleveland Browns play football. Cleveland Indians have kicked everyone to the curb in spring training. Loria is a thief and I will not support ANYTHING he owns. I'll be a Marlins fan again when he sells the team to someone who actually cares about having a successful club and won't be renting out the stadium for quinces and birthday parties.

tokoneko
tokoneko

Go Oakland! Wait, where am I?

Anthony Sanchez
Anthony Sanchez

those players have no fault for who they play same as if you worked for a company that was not liked for what ever reason but its your job and you get paid same for those guy and they are the ones that deserve our support the players not an owner or a gm or whatever its for the players who are trying to win whether the owner is on board or not, we need to remove that type of mentality as miami marlin fans thats why miami fans get ripped constantly, why dont we ask cubs fans why they still go watch their team they havent wont crap in ages or ask the cleveland brown fans why they still watch and go to games so c'mon ppl support your team

Dimitris Thedreamboy
Dimitris Thedreamboy

Sorry but am a loyal Marlins fan, played baseball 12 long years, had dreams of playing in the big leagues back as a 10 year old in 93. Now 31 in ´14 and am still on their side. #GoMarlins

Ralph Duran Pierluisi
Ralph Duran Pierluisi

Don't believe that people not wanting to go to not support Loria are fake fans. They just have the balls to take a stand.

Chris Turner
Chris Turner

GO FISH!!!! Screw the haters/fake fans, they're the reason why everyone around the country thinks that all the fans here are nothing but bandwagoners, which makes us look bad

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