Jezebel Attempts to Define "The Miami Bro," Gets It Kinda Wrong

Categories: Flotsam

miamibroo.jpg
In an attempt to distinguish various regional "bro" cultures from one another in "The United States of Bro," Jezebel has attempted to define the "Miami bro." In the rest of America (or as some Miamians calls it: America) the term "bro" carries a certain connotation. "An adult male whose social life revolves around collegiate homosocial bonding and who also presents himself in a way that assimilates to the prevailing aesthetic of men with similar socialization patterns," writes Jezebel.

Of course, as we all know the definition of "bro" is a bit different in Miami.

A rough definition of the word "bro" in Miami-Dade: Anyone of any age, race or gender who is being addressed by a younger (but not always) Miami-raised person of any gender who speaks with the Miami dialect.

Though patterns of use vary, in a sense, "bro" is sometimes more of an interjection in Miami than it is a noun.

Here's Jezebel's definition:

The Miami Bro

Uniform: Casual club wear. Sunglasses perched on forehead. Gym-hewn pecs.
Job: Real estate, or dad's company.
Intoxicant of choice: Vodka and Red Bull. Molly.
Hobbies: Hitting the gym. Starting sentences with the word "Bro" or "Man," which is pronounced in Miami like "Meng."
Habitat: Beach. Unnecessarily shiny cars idling for no reason. Yacht, though not necessarily his own.
Secret shame: Owns zero books and three Pitbull CDs.
Celeb brospiration: Enrique Iglesias

Oh, we've just been calling these people douchebags. The fact "bro" can be used so frequently in speech down here sometimes makes us forget that the rest of the country has a specific type of person in mind.

Of course, if we had to make our own definition for the Miami "bro" on these terms we'd probably come up with something like this.

Uniform: Dress shirt, never with a tie, always with one more button undone than should be. Or purposely underdressed in a t-shirt and jeans in what they perceive as a power move. Not uncommon to have one element of unnecessary shininess either through watch, chain, sunglasses, or a slightly bedazzled garment.
Job: Party promoter or something illegal.
Intoxicant of choice: Bottles.
Hobbies: DJing, sadly, alone in his bedroom with a rig he spent about $2,000 on before realizing he's not very good.
Habitat: The club.
Secret shame: Credit card debt. The slow realization that this parade of "hot" women, booze drugs, and gaudy material possession will never truly fill that hole in their heart.
Celeb brospiration: Roman Jones.

Of course, as is the case with Miami's population in general, Miami really is a true melting pot of bros.

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21 comments
Juan Carlos
Juan Carlos

Bro is Cuban from Miami. I don't care what anybody says. Caucasians in Miami say "dude". Cubans have always said Bro.

Mgp Bjj
Mgp Bjj

Nice attempt but poor execution bro

EzƦă VɅǹ
EzƦă VɅǹ

A personal trainer who is getting his real estate license.

Joseph Mazon
Joseph Mazon

Don't forget "MENG" , ( Cuban spanish for MAN, but really means DUDE) lol

Rachel Demby
Rachel Demby

Thank you Ana everyone male and female use bro in miami

Ana Pareja
Ana Pareja

You're both wrong! First and foremost, bro is not just for males. Anyone can be a bro. It's almost like the period at the end of your sentence bro!

Bobby Dazzler
Bobby Dazzler

Haha this is so u German Gomez Benedetti!! The real Miami bro version on the bottom of the article. Douche bag!! Lmao

Tony Prieto
Tony Prieto

I don't think a guy named Kyle Munzenrieder is qualified to define the Miami "Bro."

castillocopy
castillocopy

The Miami Bro is the douchey guy that 1. wears sunglasses indoors, 2,listens to Pitbull and Rick Ross, 3. says "nigga" every other word (even though he's white and his parents live in Doral) He goes crazy for MMA pay per view and $5 beer buckets, starts sentences with "basically, " wears a lebron jersey.....everywhere.....has no manners, or consideration for others, has no idea about current events except Ultra festival, has a tribal tattoo, and speaks with a spanish accent....even though he was born here.

Phil Ramirez
Phil Ramirez

Miami Bro?! 1-). Undeserved sense of accomplishment and swagger, 2-). Juiced-up and eager to MMA bodyslam anyone at random, 3-). Broke or maxed-out credit cards, Etc

Alex Nra Shemin
Alex Nra Shemin

You know ur at a frat party when asked: "what bro do u know bro?"... Just say Tim and if in Miami say Juan it will always work..

EzƦă VɅǹ
EzƦă VɅǹ

It's funny how people from other parts of the world project their view of the world on Miami irregardless of where they're from. :)

Dana Hatred
Dana Hatred

To call yourself a bro anywhere is to say you are happy you are a douchbag. Because both definitions in this article both describe varying degrees of douchbaggery.

George I'doccupyThat Owen
George I'doccupyThat Owen

I think they landed, stood outside of a mega club, Looked at one person, Made a generalization then flew back to their utopia.

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