Miami's Guide on How To B.S. Your Way Through the World Cup

Categories: Sports via Wikimedia Commons
Heat fans should sympathize with Spain
Unless you've been hiding from federales on an island of swamp grass floating deep within the Everglades for the past six months, you're well aware that the World Cup starts this this afternoon.

You should also know that pleading ignorance of the international tournament just won't cut it in modern Miami. Twelve years ago when France won the World Cup, most Miamians were still more interested in pelota than the partying in Paris.

Now that Miami is full of French and Italians, Colombians and Venezuelans, Brazilians and even a few Bosnians, however, ignorance is no longer an excuse. When you saddle up to the bar and the stranger next to you asks you which side you support, silence won't be accepted. So here's a quick guide on how to bullshit your way through the beautiful game.

See also: Who Does Miami Want to Win the World Cup? Let's Find Out

Adenilson Nunes/AGECOM via Wikimedia Commons
Bandwagoners should go for Brazil
When in doubt, just take your Dad's first name and add an -inho to the end of it. "That Kerbinho is so hot right now!" Mumble something about how Brazilians are such a joyous people -- never mind the protests raging across the host country -- and how you can see it in the way they play. Don't worry. Just drink your caipirinha. Brazil is going to win -- so hop on board.

Mlopezsilva via Wikimedia Commons
Supposably your family's ancestral castle in Spain
Little Havana Is Suddenly A Spanish Stronghold
Ever notice how every Cuban's uncle or grandfather was supposably some Spanish duke? Every four years, Little Havana suddenly becomes 18th century Castile and León. Your abuelita insists you eat her tortilla española and your tío talks to you about the one time he had a layover in Sevilla.

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Alex Sofronia
Alex Sofronia

Shame on FIFA! Soccer is not about money... But people and the peope of Brazil are suffering to have this cup. #worldcup

Kevin Jaggers
Kevin Jaggers

The New Times should stick to ignorant articles about The Heat, The ignorance level displayed in this article was too embarrassing, even for The Miami New Times.

DRAKEMALLARD.0 topcommenter

Nothing can help me care about soccer. Oh, ‘it’s the most popular sport in the world.’ Probably because it’s cheap to play. It costs a ball. Once every four years, America pretends to care about it. And yes, I call it ’soccer.’ Don’t correct me because I don’t care what they call it in other lands — I speak America. Sorry world, we already have football and it’s way better. It’s supposed to be played by 300 pound men eight seconds at a time, not five-foot, six-inch fairies lightly jogging for three hours, or however long your game is…buy a scoreboard! It’s hard for me to get into a sport that I mastered at the age of seven. Excuse me for not being able to get revved up for this corner kick that never works. Hooray! The game ends without a single goal

DRAKEMALLARD.0 topcommenter

Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking

Lorraine Costa
Lorraine Costa

the person who wrote this clearly hasn't watched a single soccer game. VAI BRASIL!

Frank Louis White
Frank Louis White

Gosh! My life entirely changed since I met this spell caster by chance on internet! All my dreams has been turning to real, it's unbelievable! My wife came back to me two months after and... she changed! She loves me again, like the first day! Thanx again for all, my friend, and I am glad to hear news from you soon! I appreciate your work

Alex Blandon
Alex Blandon

How about USA? You do fucking live in the United States.

Austin Heffernan
Austin Heffernan

Why would someone root for cristiano when we are playing against him and vying for one of the two advancing slots from our group?

miamitrev2 topcommenter

Wouldn't Be a MNT article without a shot at Republicans. zzzzz

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