The Ten Distinct States That Make Up Florida

Categories: WTF Florida

florida_disunited_map.jpg
Illustration by Kevin Cannon
Click the image for larger version of the map.
Florida has a reputation as America's weirdest state, but there's hardly any national appreciation for the fact that Florida has several culturally distinct regions of weirdness to choose from.

In fact, sometimes it seems weird that Florida is considered one state at all. It's high time someone drew a realistic map of the individual states that make up this bizarre peninsula. So we employed a team of cartographers, geographers, statisticians, and freelance whiskey distillers to draft one, and here's what they've come up with:

See also: Miami Slang Glossary: Pero Like, It's Super-Definitive, Bro

Illustration by Kevin Cannon
Jimmy Buffettstan (Monroe, southern Collier [Everglades City and Goodland], South Miami-Dade [Florida City and Homestead])
It only makes sense that a bunch of America's oddest characters would funnel down to the southernmost point of the continental United States. Where do all of these people originally come from? That's a long story we shouldn't get into, but all that matters to them now is fishing, beer, and the unparalleled musical stylings of Jimmy Buffett.

Illustration by Kevin Cannon
The Semisovereign City-State of Miami (Miami-Dade)
The great thing about Miami is how close it is to the United States. The worst thing about Miami is how close it is to Florida. It's the capital of Latin America, home to cocaine cowboys, and a place where LeBron is king and Gloria Estefan is always relevant.

Illustration by Kevin Cannon
Florida Concentrate (Hillsborough, Pinellas, Pasco, Polk, Sumter, Lake, Orange, Osceola, Seminole)
The swing state within the swing state, otherwise known as the I-4 Corridor or Tamplando, this region is like all the other parts of Florida placed into a blender and spat out in the center of the state. There's a bit of Southern charm, some odd foreigners, a lot of strip malls, and sprawling planned communities. The theme parks are just to distract you from the fact there's not anything else distinct about the place.



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112 comments
michael.kleid
michael.kleid

Cracker Barrel (Taylor, Lafayette, Dixie, Suwannee, Gilchrist, Levy, Union, Alachua, Putnam, St. Johns, Flagler, Citrus, Hernando, Marion)
Take away all the excitement that beaches bring to the Panhandle and you're left with, well, this — a place where the Confederacy never really died and hardly anyone really lives, and where meth labs are a sizable portion of the GDP.  RALLY? ASS HOLE.

shazam0527
shazam0527

I lived in Flori-Duh for 20+ years, have never been so happy to leave anywhere :)

Josh Colletta
Josh Colletta

The only reason Broward is part of New New York and not the Semisovereign City-State of Miami is because Broward County residents like to snobbishly pretend that they're NOT just a giant suburb of Miami. History and reality says otherwise, but don't tell THEM that.

Claudine Cody
Claudine Cody

This map is so funny. Should probably be in the new new York area which is probably why i love Miami. Many great times on SB!!!

Angela Vergara
Angela Vergara

I miss the city-state of Miami I now live in new New York

Alexis Rivadeneira A
Alexis Rivadeneira A

Consider Miami a good place to be... its all about how you direct your own life and the people you decided to get surronded by... I have met many entusiastic and progressive people... And yes, most of us we carry our own accent ... but good people!

Heather Rogerson
Heather Rogerson

Homestead missing a key point! Mexican culture! If you think Taco Bell is Mexican food you need to try family establishments in Homestead. Also many community events. Not the best place in USA but beats Miami. Tight knit community .

Heather Rogerson
Heather Rogerson

Leaving South Fl for St Petersburg . Nothing there? How about pristine beaches , less traffic, less tolls, less ignorance, and BILINGUAL is NOT a job requirement!

Barbie Soto
Barbie Soto

That's exactly all the reasons I left Miami!!!!!!

SarahRoseM
SarahRoseM

You forgot the Panhandle of Florida is also known as the Redneck Riviera, and Lower Alabama as it is so close to Alabama's state line.  

Vince Garcia
Vince Garcia

They nailed it with Miami. We really are our own country. Lol

Millie Santana
Millie Santana

People need a PhD in sanity to live in this State, mainly in South Florida!!:))

mmh1280
mmh1280

Very funny and much of this article is very true. 

Alachua County, though, was misclassified.  The University of Florida makes this county very different from others in the area - it is very large relative to the overall population of the area.  Most residents are somehow affiliated with the university - as students, faculty, staff, or employees in businesses that serve the university.  Just the students account for almost 50,000 out of roughly 200,000 people.  As such, people in our county generally come from all over the state and country.  Oddly enough, your description of the Tampa-Orlando I-4 corridor reminded me most of Gainesville/ Alachua County - with people from all over and a smattering of foreigners. 

sarzbear
sarzbear

What about Daytona/volusia county?!

NASCAR and spring break!

sarzbear
sarzbear

What about volusia/Daytona?!

tiania
tiania

A place where the republicans screw the middle class but they do it with such southern charm......Teachers make just enough not to qualify for subsidies. Then they loose job security because Scott doesn't like Unions. 

tiania
tiania

Florida the place where Republicans stab the poor and middle class in the back. But they do it so politely. Teachers make enough to look at the poor with subsidized housing and food stamps and realize . we have just enough to be miserable. 

vespertinemoons
vespertinemoons

I would actually re-word one part of the article to be: "The worst thing about Florida is how close it is to Miami." XD

Chris Haugh
Chris Haugh

I spent the first 23 years of my life in Broward and Palm Beach (and that lost year in The Pizzle) and I'm a die-hard Boston Red Sox fan. Not cool bro.

h-j-simms
h-j-simms

Wow, some people need to lighten up.  As a Jacksonville native I take no offense to the southern GA comparison. Truth be told, it's how many of us describe it to people when providing reasons not to visit when, while traveling we hear, "Jacksonville...I have a cousin who dated a guy in high school who drove through Jacksonville once."


You missed Clay I believe. A cross between Polk and St Johns Counties. 

kstar8706
kstar8706

Judging by my experiences growing up with Pensacola in Escambia County, Crazy Eddie's Crawfish & Pickup Truck Emporium is more like a state called "Louisabama." It's as "Southern" as Alabama, but still close enough to Mobile and New Orleans to have a love of crawfish and Mardi Gras parades.  The French actually captured Pensacola at one point.

And Pensacola is just as much a part of "Florida" as St. Augustine.  It was the second city founded by the Spanish after St. Augustine, and was the site of the first attempted settlement by any Europeans (i.e. The Spanish) in what is now the United States.

gfiege
gfiege

#1: Florida is the weirdest state?  Ever been to California?

#2: If Florida was to cede Northeast Florida to Georgia,  would anyone miss it?  Yes, that would mean almost 2 million people would be in Georgia and the most populous city in Florida would be gone.  You are right, those of us in Jacksonville resent your statement but for an entirely different reason than you proposed.  Northeast Florida was the original Florida.  This is where Ponce De Leon landed and explored.  This is where the first settlers developed our cities, both Spanish and French.  If it weren't for NE Florida, the rest of the state would not have been settled for decades after it was. 

John
John

Whoever decided to lump Pinellas County with *DISNEY*, i should hold your head under the water in Tampa Bay until the bubbles stop.

frankd4
frankd4 topcommenter

..............."Tales of Old Florida" by Frank Oppel (Editor), Tony Meisel (Editor) 

One hundred years ago, Florida was a wilderness of swamp and beach, dense forest and abundant wild game.  Undiscovered, except for a few pioneer sportsmen and hearty farmers and ranchers, the state was still a frontier. True, a few towns flourished on the fishing and the Caribbean trade, but it was generally a sleepy place, far removed from the later boom of the 1920s. - (amazon review)


.............i guess if you compare the times "back when" and "today" to see not all was "progress" since then it becomes apparent that indeed quite a bit went wrong here

acmyer
acmyer

So volusia county, home of Daytona beach, doesn't count?

gracehushlee
gracehushlee

Actual Residents of the Keys absolutely hate Buffet music- We play it for you dumb yuppies who come down here and spend all your money for one crappy frozen margarita.  .. However the drinking..fishing and overall laziness. Yes generally true :P

samantha.mains.hertz
samantha.mains.hertz

just an opinion: saint augustine (in saint johns) should be a secondary mini Manhattan as everyone here is from NY, NJ, or PA.

though i must say as a transplant i love living here

vespertinemoons
vespertinemoons

I also think this article is quite hypocritical b/c in my opinion Miami is one of the worst parts of Florida to live in (I lived there for about a year). I would rather live in Orlando than Miami and that says a lot because I hate the shit out of Orlando. Of course this is a subjective experience of a place, one man's trash and all...

vespertinemoons
vespertinemoons

I'm from the deep swamp area, I think we always liked that not many people lived there. ;) 

I actually tend to disagree with the Sarasota being only old people though, I would think it also contains a nice amount of hippies and yoga teachers. XD

jmd32953
jmd32953

@shazam0527 : Right there w/ya! Cant wait till Global Warming floods this phallic symbol of the South!

aero_simmy
aero_simmy

@sarzbear In the full map, it shows Volusia as part of Florida Concentrate, I think they just forgot to list it.

badjef
badjef

@John I think they are referring to the I-4 corridor. Someone forgot to tell them I-4 doesn't go all the way to Indian Rocks Beach as originally planned.


hannahkk
hannahkk

@frankd4 It is a great book! We have a copy. We also enjoy all of the Florida's Fabulous guides.

kstar8706
kstar8706

@acmyer I was wondering where Volusia County went myself.  I'd say it's where Cracker Barrel meets the beach.  I can't necessarily call it the NE corner of Florida Concentrate.

dave
dave

Watch your mouth.Not everyone from FLORIDA is dumb


daddyparts
daddyparts

Despite being a transplant resident, I laughed long and loud at this comment.

shazam0527
shazam0527

@jules and I'm even happier you're still there.  Flori-duh deserves people like you.  *psst - since I know the school system sucks, I'd let you in on something, this wasn't a compliment*  :)

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