LeBron and Cavs Might Play in Miami on Christmas Day Because NBA and ABC Are Evil

Categories: Sports

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When it comes to Christmas, I just want to open some presents, eat some ham, and pass out early after drinking copious amounts of eggnog. I do not want to see people I love fighting -- and that includes basketball players who used to play together for my favorite team forced to face off against each other on national television in what will certainly be a highly publicized spectacle on the day of the birth of our lord Jesus Christ.

But unfortunately, the NBA and ABC are pure evil. They want to ruin your holiday. They want to schedule LeBron's inevitable return to American Airlines Arena on Christmas Day.

The scheduling isn't finalized yet, but according to the Miami Herald's Barry Jackson, ABC really, really wants to the NBA to save the Cleveland Cavaliers visit to Miami since LeBron James jumped ship on Christmas.

The LeBron-led Cavs and the Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh-led Heat will indeed end up having to play three times during the regular season, and almost certainly they'll be some of the most watched and publicized games of the regular season. ABC has turned Christmas Day into its marquee day to feature NBA regular season games. So, yes, it certainly makes sense that it would want that particular game for Christmas.

And yet, it's just all so wrong. We're all gonna need a solid day to prepare for the sight of LeBron walking into the AAA in an opposing uniform. How are we supposed to do that when we're also avoiding our grandma's inappropriately probing questions about our love lives? Why are they sticking us with so much added stress?

This is seriously worse than that time your Aunt Sally and Uncle Jerry got divorced, and Uncle Jerry went to go live in a studio apartment called the Cleveland Towers in a shady part of town. So your mom says something like, "I know Sally is my sister, but we can't just let Jerry sit alone on Christmas. I mean, he was part of the family for so long. I'm sure we can all get along for just one meal. It's what Jesus would want us to do. I'm going to invite him."

And you're like, "Mom, no! That's a horrible idea! We all just wanna chill out and get drunk. No one needs that tension."

But your mother won't be stopped, "I texted Sally. She said it's fine. She said her tennis instructor also was going to be alone on Christmas. So I said 'bring him too.' It's Christmas! Everyone can love each other!"

"Her tennis instructor? Really, Mom?" you reply. "Do you even know why Sally and Jerry got divorced in the first place?"

And your mom just looks at you with the most twisted smile you've ever seen on her face and says to you in a voice tinged with more menace than any Kevin Spacey character, "Oh, I know exactly why they got divorced. Just like that time Sally knew exactly what she was doing with my junior prom date in the back of her Honda Civic. Unlike my Christmas yams, son, revenge is a dish best served cold."

She takes the knife she was using to peel the yams and violently stabs it through the one remaining unpeeled yam and walks out of the room. Etched into the skin of the yam is the name Sally.

That's exactly the level of awkwardness the NBA is setting us up for here in Miami, and frankly that level of drama should be saved for Thanksgiving.

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37 comments
samueljackson864
samueljackson864 topcommenter

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Yoa Glez
Yoa Glez

Merry Christmas to us, Cosita!!!! Fernando Cabeza

Alberto Solano
Alberto Solano

Being angry at lebron is like being angry at the rain. Business is business. And you're taking it personal. So lebron is in Cleveland. Y que? So what? He's still gonna be a great player if you love or hate him. Be a fan folks. Support the heat and enjoy the game. Don't drink the hateraid.

Jim Cribb
Jim Cribb

LeBron?....more like LeQuitter....I hope that piece of crap gets his ass kicked on a daily basis...

EJ Lewis
EJ Lewis

That was a very very entertaining article that I haven't read in a while. Good points very good points, I agree ABC and NBA are evil for that. Hey money is the root of all evil

Sofia P
Sofia P

Cannot wait to see this.

Eric Quitugua
Eric Quitugua

My favorite part is the Heat fans in loser denial, as if Lebron had nothing to do with those back to back titles: "Lebron sucks. Is he gonna cry? You're welcome for the rings."

Millie Santana
Millie Santana

Miami Heat fans will just walk out as they always do.. It doesn't matter if LeBron is playing for Cleveland or Miami. They don't care about the players when they walk out, why complain now?!? LOOOOL

Jophiel Ortiz
Jophiel Ortiz

Worst kept secret than LeBron going back "home"

Yaneth Rignack
Yaneth Rignack

Already thanked him for the years he played here, the championships, and wished him good luck. Move on now, nothing to see here.

Larry McCormick
Larry McCormick

Miami has a better team. Cavs won't be better than the Heat this year. I would bet money on it.

James Kendall
James Kendall

I can't wait, is LeBron going to whine like a little bitch like he did last Christmas? lol waaaaaaa!!!! I make tens of millions of dollars, have months off at a time, and I have to play basketball for a few hours! Waaaaaaa!! #stfu #whatanancy

Tony Saiz
Tony Saiz

Bring it on!!! #heatfansince88

Anthonyvop1
Anthonyvop1 topcommenter

Evil?

Kyle,  Are you the biggest pussy in Miami or just aspire to that title? 

Seriously........Evil?

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