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As Hurricane Ultra doubles back upon Bayfront Park today, some cranky locals are once again boarding up the windows and bolting town. But apparently not everyone got the message about the massive, noisy music festival.

"We have no information about this event till yesterday," writes out-of-towner Michel Harr, who is staying across from Bayfront Park with his wife and twin infants. "Yesterday Big noise began to come through windows and walls and babies cried all the time."

Meanwhile, at least one local claimed to be using a catapult to shoot condoms from his condo at Ultra-goers.

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Michael E. Miller

Jerry Libbin and a Deco Bike model

Miami Beach Commissioner Jerry Libbin may be behind a recently revived proposal to allow alcohol on the beach, but that doesn't mean he is in favor of trashing the place.

In fact, the mayoral candidate feels so strongly about keeping the sands clean he is going to spend his Saturday picking up trash left by spring breakers. He's even offering free pizza and cupcakes to those who help him.

But for god's sake, bring some gloves.

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So, the Flip Collective folks decided to combine cartography with Google's autocomplete search function to have some fun. Florida is labeled "Crazy," obviously. Because it's a Friday and we had an extra ten minutes, we decided to apply this to Miami-Dade County and see what happened.

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via CVBKNZ's Instagram

I <3 Cathy Bro

Nothing quite says Miami suburbs like bad highway traffic and the word "bro." Some anonymous Lothario took advantage of both to send the most Miami Valentine's message ever to a lucky lady named Cathy.

All of Miami is totally jealous of you today, Cathy. Maybe it's not so great to be single on Valentine's Day in Miami after all.

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Today is Valentine's Day, or, as it might as well be known, "Singles are expected to feel shitty about themselves day." The image of single people sitting at home crying while downing a double bottle of pinot grigio is almost as much a Valentine's Day cliché as boxes of chocolate, conversation hearts, and strawberries and whipped cream.

But if you're single today, don't fall prey to these expectations of self-loathing. You're in Miami! One of the sexiest damn cities in the world! One of the best places to be single on the globe! Enjoy it!

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Bro, remember when Shit Miami Girls Say came out and Non-Miamians were super making fun of the way Miamians freaking talk, bro? That shit was super annoying bro. Especially the part when one of the girls says, "irregardless, I don't care." All the English language snobs were talking shit about Miamians always dropping "irregardless" into sentences when SUPPOSABLY it is not a real word in the English dictionary. Well, Merriam-Webster, one of the largest dictionary makers in America, says otherwise sapingos!

Yesterday "irregardless" was the word of the day on Merriam-Webster's website. There's even a handy video of Merriam-Webster associate editor Cory Stamper explaining why irregardless is one of the most hated words in America. Bro, there are a lot of language racists out there.

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As far as things found floating in Biscayne Bay, yesterday's discovery of a headless goat and some decapitated roosters was pretty tame. So why are we acting like this is a thing that doesn't happen all the time here?

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amazon.com

We know you, Miami. We know that you somehow manage to simultaneously believe in and not give a flaming end-of-the-world crap about the supposed apocalypse this Friday.

In fact, we bet that the only way the upcoming Armageddon upset your week was to bump up your screwing schedule by a day or two. The bushes around South Beach have been shaking for days. Brickell bar bathrooms have seen more orgasms than a tantric sex session with Sting. "C'mon baby," we keep overhearing dudes plead. "But it's the end of the world!"

Except it isn't. At least, not according to the most knowledgeable person we could find: University of Miami professor and Maya expert Traci Ardren. So you can put your pants back on now, please.

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It's that time of year when the global art world elite descends upon our fair city and has its way with it for a week. Unfortunately, Miami-Dade County has not yet declared this as a weeklong work-free holiday, and for us locals, it's easy to get either overwhelmed or way too lost in all the highbrow debauchery.

Luckily, Riptide has some tips for making the most of this mess.

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Every year, the City of Miami hoists a giant neon orange up the side of the Hotel InterContinental in downtown and drops it at the stroke of midnight. The thing is creatively called "The Big Orange." This year, however, it will officially be known as "La Gran Naranja" to celebrate the 500th anniversary of Florida's discovery by Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon.

People on the Internet, specifically gringos on the Internet, are really, really, really upset about this.

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