Florida's Best Alligator Whisperer Is a Sex-Partying, Bodybuilding Felonious Chiropractor

Categories: Longreads

Courtesy of Hal Kreitman
Hal Kreitman is having a staring contest with an eight-foot bull gator. It's a Monday morning, and fast-moving cloud cover yanks shadows across a shallow pond nestled along an empty stretch of Loop Road in the Everglades. Kreitman -- 51 years old, salt-and-pepper hair, circle medallion glinting off his gym-ripped chest -- is knee-deep in water the color of whiskey. Staccato ticking noises sound from the back of his throat.

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Yes, the Miami Heat Can Return to the NBA Finals if These Five Things Fall Into Place

Categories: Sports

Amazingly enough, it's already almost time to turn your attention to what's happening down on Biscayne Boulevard, as your new-look, less-hyped Miami Heat returns a week from today, looking to prove to the world that its world does not revolve around one man.

The Heat still has the same goal -- championship or bust. Can the Heat actually contend without LeBron? Sure, if a few things fall into place.

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Miami-Dade Police Department Will No Longer Investigate Its Own Fatal Shootings

Categories: Crime

MDPD video footage showing three officers (left) shooting an unarmed robbery suspect as he lay on the ground.
On June 30, 2011, Miami-Dade Police officers ambushed a band of robbers in the Redland, killing four -- including the cops' own informant -- in a fury of bullets without receiving a shot in return.

But when it came time to investigate the suspicious shootings, the agency leading the inquiry was none other than the Miami-Dade Police Department.

Yesterday, county commissioners voted to avoid such potential conflicts of interest by approving a deal for state investigators to look into MDPD shootings.

See also: Miami-Dade Police Lured Robbers to the Redland, Then Shot Them

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Montel Williams, Your TV Friend, Tells You To Vote for Medical Marijuana

Categories: Drugs

Remember your TV friend Montel Williams? He hosted a daytime tabloid talk show for nearly 20 years. Not the one with the white cousins fighting over dwarf boyfriends (that was Jerry), or the one where men found out if they contributed genetic material that helped make a baby (Maury), or the one with drag queens in love (that was your ol' TV friend Ricki). He was the other one. He had a psychic on his show a lot, I think. Shocking secrets were probably revealed. Crying happened.

Anyway, Montel is here to tell you that the woman who cleans your house is actually your long lost biological mother the dork who had a crush on you in high school is now super hot and wants to rub it in your face to vote yes on medical marijuana.

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CNN Bans Fans, Other Media Outlets From Tonight's Gubernatorial Debate

Categories: Politicks

Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg
After the bizarre #Fangate moment during last week's gubernatorial debate between Rick Scott and Charlie Crist, don't expect any similar shenanigans tonight. CNN is hosting the event, and they run a tight ship. The 24-hour news channel has explicitly banned fans from the podium.

Oddly, they've also banned other media outlets and the public from attending the event.

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Feds Charge Miami Man With Making "Black Market Testosterone" Sold To MLB Players

Categories: Crime

Last week, Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch pleaded guilty in federal court to illegally selling testosterone from his Coral Gables clinic to hundreds of clients, including Major League Baseball players. Today, the feds have arrested another man who they say supplied some of that illegal testosterone.

Paulo Berejuk, a chemist based in Kendall, has been charged with making testosterone in his garage and then selling it on the black market.

See also: Tony Bosch Will Plead Guilty to Steroid Charges in Federal Court This Morning

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305 Photo of the Day: Bird and Barbs

Today's photo comes from Mig Rodz' Flickr. If you'd like to see your photo here join our Flickr group.

Miami Man Hit With $1.4 Million Bond After Getting Caught With 246 Undersize Lobsters

Categories: Crime

Monroe County Sheriffs Department
Judges may set bonds over $1 million for serious crimes such as murder, high-profile cases, or for defendants who present a serious flight risk. Jorge Vargas simply got caught with some undersize lobster tails, so why did a judge set his bail at a hefty $1.4 million?

Well, Vargas was nabbed with a whole lot of lobster tails, and this wasn't the first time.

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Midtown 5 to Finally Begin Construction by End of the Year

Categories: Unreal Estate

It seems a bit odd that in light of Miami's out-of-control condo boom, the full plans for midtown Miami still have not come to fruition. This despite the fact that it was one of the few development projects that really thrived during the valleys between the booms.

Well, according to exMiami, Midtown 5 is set to break ground later this year after the property was bought by Chicago-based Magellan Development Group.

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Katherine Fernandez Rundle Fails Miami's Blacks

Categories: Luke's Gospel

Thumbnail image for lukescartoon.JPG
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke says Miami's state attorney has fooled African-Americans in the city.

On Memorial Day 2011, cops from Miami Beach and Hialeah fired at least 116 bullets into the vehicle of 22-year-old Raymond Herisse. He was hit 16 times and killed instantly. Four innocent bystanders were wounded.

Now it looks like the police will get away with it.

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Meet the Americans Serving Life in Jail for Weed

Categories: Longreads

Finishing off the end of a joint, the DeLisi brothers slid into a 7-Eleven parking lot just off Sample Road in Pompano Beach. It was the end of 1974, and they were ages 30 and 38, full of New York swagger, and feeling invincible. Tucked into the yellow 1965 Porsche's passenger seat was Teddy, a sweetheart who looked like a mix of Elvis Presley and Jim Morrison. Turning off the ignition was Richie, a streetwise guy with a criminal mind who often bossed his brother around, despite being almost a decade younger and an inch shorter.

Inside the 7-Eleven, the two cotton-mouthed hustlers fished two Cokes from the store's back cooler before heading to the counter. Drag racers as kids and auto mechanics as adults, they were primed to always look at anything car-related. As they checked out, Richie set his sights on an auto-trade magazine resting near the register. Bleary-eyed, he asked his brother what the text on the front was advertising. A dyslexic who couldn't sit still inside a classroom, Richie had never learned to read or write. When he found out it was a coffee plantation in rural Colombia for sale, the man, decked out in his trademark suede jacket and faded dungarees, positively lit up.

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Miami Police Could Start Steroid Testing Cops Next Month

Categories: Crime

via FreeRaulIgelasias.com
Former Miami Sgt. Raul Iglesias is serving a five-and-a-half year sentence for ripping off drug dealers. Another veteran officer says he was a Biogenesis client.
Last week, New Times revealed at least two Miami Police officers had been customers of Biogenesis, the notorious Coral Gables steroid clinic at the heart of Major League Baseball's biggest doping scandal, and that a former Florida Department of Health investigator refused to involve the force in his case after steroids went missing from an evidence room. So the timing was auspicious when, the same day the story landed, the Miami PD announced the force was close to instituting steroid testing for all of its cops.

Sgt. Javier Ortiz, the police union chief, says the timing was simply a coincidence. "I've received quite a few phone calls from officers and from the press, but there's no correlation there," Ortiz says. "They asked us to consider starting this last spring."

See also: Florida Investigator: I Warned Major League Baseball Not To Buy Stolen Records

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305 Photo of the Day: Reel It In

Today's photo comes from Tommy's Flickr. If you'd like to see your photo here join our Flickr group.

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Could Miami's Condo Boom Actually Help City Battle Effects of Climate Change?

Photo by Kyle Munzenrieder
Seemingly every discussion of Miami's recent development boom includes someone sneering, "Yeah, and all those condo lobbies will be underwater in 100 years."

And every discussion of the potentially devastating effects of global warming on South Florida comes with someone quipping, "And yet they keep building towers down there."

But a University of Pennsylvania professor Robert Meyer is now making the counterintuitive argument in Bloomberg Businessweek that Miami's condo boom may actually help the area prepare for the effects of climate change.

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Cops Can No Longer Track You Using Cell Phone Data, Florida Supreme Court Rules

The Florida Supreme Court has ruled in favor of protecting a privacy right that many Floridians might not have even known they'd lost, and we have a convicted drug dealer to thank.

Police departments often use cell phone data and spying tools known as "stingrays" to track people's locations through their cell phone calls, often without obtaining a warrant first. Last week the Florida Supreme Court ruled that practice violated the Fourth Amendment, which prohibits illegal searches and seizures.

See also: Cell Phone Tracking: Miami Cops Know Where You Are

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Fangate Didn't Matter: New Poll Finds Crist and Scott Are Still Tied

Categories: Politicks

For all the Colbert and Daily Show hilarity and the week's worth of Twitter hot takes, did Fangate actually matter in the race to decide who will be Florida's next governor?

Not according to a new poll out this morning. The Republican-leaning 0ptimus firm finds the two candidates virtually tied -- close to the same result it found last week before Charlie Crist took a bold stand in favor of fans and Rick Scott threw a very public temper tantrum about it.

See also: Rick Scott Almost Bailed on Televised Debate Because Charlie Crist Got a Fan Onstage

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Meet the Miami Entrepreneur Ready to Fix Your Posture With an Elastic Suit

Categories: Business

via Wikimedia Commons
For Collon Brown, the revelation came in Toronto, when he was fiddling around with the large elastic bands that are used as truck tie-downs.

Brown had already burned out of his career as a graphic designer and had lately become obsessed with yoga, meditation, and righting his body and mind. He hooked the bands from his waist, around his back, and across his shoulders. It was a eureka moment.

"Immediately I felt better; I was breathing better," he says. "And I thought to myself, This is it!"

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Is Ryan Tannehill Actually Good? Quarterback Rolls As Fins Crush Bears

Categories: Sports

It's always nice when the good Dolphins show up. Most important, good Ryan Tannehill. Good Ryan Tannehill showed up Sunday.

Tannehill was laser-accurate, completing 25 of 32 passes for 277 yards and two touchdowns in a better-than-the-score-indicates-yet-still-booty-clenching-at-times 27-14 Miami Dolphins victory.

Tannehill didn't do anything overly explosive in the game. Nothing that will make SportsCenter. No late-game comebacks or drama. Just damn good QB play from the Dolphins signal caller. For a week at least, the temperature of Tannehill and his coaches' seat will turn down from hot to warm.

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A Selfie May Help Miami-Dade Police Catch a Car Thief

Categories: Crime


Jean Mirabal's attempt to buy a car couldn't have been a bigger disaster. After purchasing a Toyota 4Runner a friend had seen a for sale sign in at a gas station, Mirabal went to register the car at a tag agency only to find out that the car had been reported as stolen.

Two days later the car was in turn stolen from Mirabal's home.

Police however have an invaluable piece of evidence that may help them solve the crime: A selfie Mirabal's father took when they purchased the car that showed the man he bought it from in he background.

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305 Photo of the Day: Hanging Garden, Concrete Jungle

Today's photo comes from Roberto Bowyer's Flickr. If you'd like to see your photo here join our Flickr group.

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