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Hello, Kitty

A few nights ago I was hanging out with my girl and this new guy she’s dating when my amiga went to the kitchen to refill our drinks, and he started flirting with me. He was telling me how sexy my arms are, what a pretty smile I had and all, until my friend came back in and he went back to acting like I wasn’t there. I figured that I must have been imagining things, but the entire night I kept feeling as if he was staring at me. The night rolled on and my bff said that she was tired and wanted to leave (we were all at my house) – so her guy popped up and said he would take her, but asked me if he could come back since we were both still wide awake and there was plenty more beer. I agreed with him and said he was welcome back – but I didn’t really think he would come. Sure enough, 30 minutes later he was pounding on my door. This time he threw himself at me, making it very clear what he wanted – and it wasn’t another beer. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. He told me he would beat my ass if I told my friend what happened and I don’t want that but I do think she has a right to know - I’m a gay man, and I feel like she should know that she’s dating one too. Should I tell her that we had sex? Help!

Mr. Metoo

Hi, Mr. Metoo

Yes, yes, yes – since you two are like the Hialeah Will and Grace, you’d better tell her that her man is playing both sides. It would be great if I could say that she’ll still be your friend afterward, but she may not be. Confessing sins is great for the soul, but it can wreck relationships. So yeah Metoo, let her know what you did but be prepared to lose a friend about halfway between "So he came back over...," "He was kissing me on my back," and "I screamed like Minnie Ripperton." Telling the truth won't be as fun as doing the do, but what did you think would happen after your girl's date had you (or you had him) bent over your coffee table? If you and your friends have worked out a system where you test out their dudes' gay-fliction and then your reward is to “have” them, cool. But if not, stop fucking their boys. Stop flirting and allowing them to come back over to your house for more beer, Mr. Metoo. Maybe something inside of you makes you want to have what the girls have, and taking these studs to your pasture is a thrill, but do that to your semi-girls.

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Every once in a while, someone sends me a question that doesn’t require miles and miles of discussion. The issues are pretty simple, and they usually roll in between the hours of 10 p.m. and 2 a.m., so at first I assumed that they it was nothing more than drunken correspondence from people who had taken my advice. But one night I myself was sauced and needed counsel, so I went to my mentor, screamed my question into the air, shook him, and….”Reply hazy, try again.” Damn you, Magic 8 Ball. Dejected and answerless, I cried. Okay, so maybe copious amounts of tequila had something to do with those tears, but I was equally distressed about my inability to get a dose of valid advice when I needed it. I could practically hear the similarly desperate wails of the lovelorn rising up from the city, and I vowed to never allow anyone else to feel the way I did. So, M.C. Quickie was born; and I’m open like Club Space – allll niight looong.

12:46 A.M.
My supposedly-platonic guy friend just popped up at my house with a bottle of wine and some weed. I don’t like him like that, but I’m not exactly doing anything right now. What should I do?

♥ ♥ ♥ Smoke and drink, bitch. Just don’t let your guard down – or else, you might wake up with a friendly dick in your mouth.

Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.

Hello, Kitty

Reddy Taseddle

Hi Reddy,

Pressure cooker. Pressure cooker. Pressure cooker, that’s what you’re being to this girl right now. You’re just getting out of a super-serious relationship and already you’re trying to get Miss Sex in the City to trade in her fuck-me pumps for a pair of your wife’s run-down house shoes? I think it’s really funny that you think she needs to “lose some of the baggage,” but with your pending divorce and two rugrats you’re coming at her with more luggage than Louis Vuitton. Sweet. I’m sure she is reeeally excited about all you’re bringing to the table. You say that it seems like every breath you take annoys or disgusts her, and you’re probably right - your commitment-happy ass probably represents everything that this chick is running from as she bounces from man to man. Reddy, the past “domestic issues” you mentioned make me think that this girl either looves the drama or that she’s a little clumsy in the relationship department. Either way, I think a little backing off (by you) would be an amazing idea.

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Matt Rosexual

Hi Matt,

So you like to wave a magic wand (your trusty eye pencil or blush brush) and transform into something fierce, huh? I feel ya, Matt. Kitty hates to leave the house without the same accoutrements; and a diamond stud – or a Latino one. The point of makeup is to play up and accent your best features, or minimize the ones you’re less fond of; so you’re absolutely right that it can give you a far more striking look than your daily suit and tie uniform. Some would say, “Ya want drama, wear a cape!” I say that those folks are boring, and if a stick of Barely Brown eyeliner and a tub of Dusty Rose blush make you happy, so be it. Believe it or not, lots of guys start out their day by swiping on products like concealer, foundation and, gasp, mascara. Good Charlotte’s Benji Madden rocks the faux tear stains, Pete Wentz is known for his eyeliner obsession, Marilyn Manson paints his whole scary face, and allegedly, Brad Pitt is also an easy, breezy, beautiful cover boy. Dude, that guy got Angelina Jolie, so you can tell your annoying buddies to go to hell. Of course, I haven’t seen you in full war paint (or without, for that matter), but I can bet that your friends may be a little jealous of how pretty you get. Half the guys I know could benefit from the tender loving care of a few beauty products, or at least a squeeze of moisturizer and a fingerful of Carmex, and your crew probably isn’t much different.

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E. Gertoshac

Hey, E

No, it doesn’t make a difference that you’re a boy who likes boys. Gay or not, shacking up is a major step and one that takes a huge amount of commitment from both people. But you’re no young philly so I don’t need to tell you that there’s more to the situation than drinking merlot and watching Kate Hudson movies. Or do I, E? You say that you discussed interior design and closet space, but I’m sure you and your guy discussed how you would split the finances and household duties, and what you expect from each other as live-in lovers. Didn’t you, E? If not, that could be the reason for your baby’s cold feet. If you were selling him dreams of a beautiful life without explaining the shitty side, he could be feeling a little uninformed, resulting in his distribution of what you call “lame excuses.” I love how you say he’s hardworking, but then call his “busy” excuse lame; could it be, you’re an asshole and after 2 years he finally realized it and would rather keep the relationship undomesticated? Hmmm.

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Victoria Stilla Secret

Hii, Victoria

I’m soo happy that you sought out some advice before attempting to seduce this guy wearing a pair of Tweety Bird boxer shorts and an XXL family reunion T-shirt. Maybe a crotchless teddy isn’t quite your bag, but there is something to be said for a bit of visual seduction before you get down to the actual “get down.” After all, you want him to be eating out the palm of your sexy hand from the second he lays eyes on you until he falls into a good ol’ orgasm-induced coma at the end of the night. And if all goes well, the only T-shirt you’ll be wearing will be his, which by the way, you should slip on before you slide into the kitchen to make him a post-coital ham sandwich.

Since your fashion sense swings more to the casual side, when it comes to your big night, don’t try to wear something that strays too far from that. I’m not saying that your guy wouldn’t appreciate something like a pearl thong and a pair of daisy-shaped pasties, but it’ll be harder to channel your inner minx if you’re not comfortable in what you’re wearing.

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Hello, Kitty

Toomeni Cocktails

Hey Toomeni,

I’m so sorry that you had to go through that – I mean, an awful first time, not the violent thing - it sucks to wait and wait and wait and be disappointed. But thank your lucky stars that he made it up to you; some girls are still waiting to enjoy that mind-blowing fuck with their mates. Now, onto more serious issues – your drunkard. First a disclaimer: Kitty loves the liq, period. Teetolars are great, but dammit Kitty likes a man that she can take one (or ten) back with – just a personal preference. Happy, sexy drunk: good. Angry, punchy, foaming-at-the-mouth drunk: baddd. So in your case Toomeni, even if you remove the drank from your sexual equation, It’s just not acceptable for this guy to get all aggressive towards you. And since it seems like liquor is often in you guys’ mix, you’re right to want out of the relationship. I understand that you’re loving his man-meat and how he throws it, but trust me, there’s plenty more cocks in the coop.

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Hello, Kitty

Izze Cheaten

Hey Izze,

Your question really should be "What can I do?" and the answer to that is, nothing. You've already had Fanny Fonecall over for dinner, which was a great plan assuming that the meatloaf and merlot was just a ruse to see if there were any sparks flying between her and your man. I'm also assuming that you're aware of the law that gives you carte blanche to whoop one's ass if they are threatening you in your home; but I do hope you consulted a lawyer before trying to pull that off, Izze. All in all, from your letter I can't see any real problem except a lack of trust and maybe the fact that you're lonely. Your man is always at work, en route to work, or talking to someone else about work and you seem to be at home twiddling your thumbs. I can't blame you for being a bit miffed about him phone-boning' some other girl, but he may label you the most ungrateful bitch ever if he knew that you didn't trust him on top of all the long hours he's clocking.

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Hello, Kitty

Saz Kwatch

Hey, Saz

I can’t give you any ways to change your girl – everyone has their pet peeves and for some reason or another, your furry ass is one of hers. Maybe she has gorillaphobia or was traumatized by a hairball related incident, either way you don’t want the person you’re shagging (pun intended) to be “royally disgusted” by anything other than the raunchy sex positions you suggest after a couple of caprihinias. Relationships are about compromise, though, and I’m thinking that either she needs to live with the fact that you’re hairy or you need to de-fuzz yourself, and quick. Personally, I despise taco meat, sawgrass, Christmas tinsel and everything else that men magically sprout on their bods. The only thing I want to see running up and down a man’s chest is my tongue or a piece of tumbleweed cause it’s so damn bare.

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Hello, Kitty

Toiletta

Hey girl,

So glad you wrote in before you agreed to be Dirty Sanchez-ed. Though you like “the kink,” agreeing to the unknown is like walking into a McDonald’s and telling the counter-girl, “Give me whatever you got back there.” What your barfly suggested doesn’t compare to eating mystery meat, but let’s just say it’s better to know what you’re getting. According to my extensive research – no personal experience with this one, a night with this new guy would start with a little anal and end with you wearing a mustache of your own, uh, shit.

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Hello, Kitty

Unwillen Tachange

Hi Unwillen,

You’re funny, I can see you foaming at the mouth and shit, all, "I'm not changing for NObody!" That's cool, Kitty always sez to live your life in whatever way makes YOU happy - as long as you realize that it very well may mean a lonely existence. But you’ll never know true isolation, will you? Because you belong to a place where everybody knows your name and you know his or her cup size, and that’s the kind of intimacy you can’t duplicate. And since I didn’t hear you say that you’re actually taking these girls home to Mom or acting inappropriately in any way, it’s hard for me to oppose your little hobby. What you’re doing out in the open is wayyy more tame than what some people do in the privacy of their own homes, so who’s to judge? Just as some folks frequent a certain bar or bakery – depending on their vice – you’ve found a place where the employees like you and you enjoy the service they provide. So, the best way to get your peeps comfortable with your so-called obsession is to try emphasizing the positives.

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Victoria Revealed

Hey Miss Revealed

Hmmm you’ve gotten yourself into a verry sticky situation, to say the least - and I don’t mean that spot left on your jeans after you skedaddled out of dude’s house. This is tough Victoria, and to make shit even more complicated, your guilty ass is stuck in the middle, and there’s absolutely no doubt that those are your panties at this man’s house. You are so lucky that he hasn’t spilled the beans, because if girlfriend gets a whiff of what really went down that night – no more game night for you. And I know how much you love to play Hide-and-Go-Seek. Since the friendship of both people is what you want, you have to play this juust right. I won’t walk you through the entire plot – I still have my panties, thank you very much – but I’ll handle the hard part, which is the excuse.

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Hello, Kitty

Norock Hudson

Hi, Norock.

How could you erase all doubt? Stop fucking men, Hudson! Sorry…I guess that didn’t help. What you should really do is relax, because what you’re going through is akin to wearing handcuffs – the more you struggle against it, the guiltier you actually appear to be. Obviously you’ve been too busy skipping along Ocean Drive with your “buddies” to be familiar with the rules of gaydar, but this one applies directly to your problem. Rule #16 “He who uses force to deny, has most likely, once or twice, given it a try.” At the Women’s School of Knowing What’s Up (where keeping it real goes wrong on the daily) we’ve been taught that the guy cringing and squealing in excessive disgust at the sight of any boy-on-boy action is most likely the same dude who wishes he were on the other end of that kiss. The theory is that this guy has some major insecurity about his own sexuality and must publicly demean the gay lifestyle in the fear that his own desires will be discovered. After all, you can’t see his boner if he’s flailing around and acting like an idiot.

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Hello, Kitty

Dear Tex,

Hmmm common problem ya got there. The next time you’re sending out a booty-text, look around the club and I bet you’ll see dozens of other cellys lit up and engaged in erotic exchanges. And I can even put my own two cents in and let you know that this Kitty has gotten slizzzured and climbed up the wrong tree a few times herself, if you know what I mean. So Tex, your question is definitely one that needs to be addressed. Because unlike its prehistoric cousin - the drunk dial, the drunken text is easier to execute under any circumstance. You could be taking communion from the pope himself, texting someone for an ass-appointment, and no one would be the wiser – but that’s between you and God, hon.

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Hello, Kitty

Needta Noe

Hey Needta

Don’t worry mama, you’re not wrong to want to break out the spycam on this dude. It’s totally healthy to doubt the word of someone you don’t really know, and from the little bit that you’ve told me about this guy, your suspicions seem pretty reasonable. Besides, one of the most difficult parts of a relationship – besides a divorce – can be the getting-to-know-you phase. This is when you have those hours-long interrogations where you’re drilling each other on everything from your favorite brand of peanut butter to how hard you like your ass smacked on a Sunday. I'll assume that you’ve been completely open and honest with him so far, so it’s absolutely normal for one stuttered response or his refusal to answer a question to send you into a doubt-filled tailspin. And while he may have good reason for holding out on the info, it also makes him look secretive and elusive. And unless you’re the fuckin’ Phantom of the Opera, secret and elusive are both no-no’s. So what do you do? If you two were actually in a relationship I would tell you to confront him straight out about his inconsistencies, and if he still refused to answer, to leave his ass. But since you are still just dating this guy, I say chill.

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