One of Esquilin's many previous arrests

​Florida is not known for its criminal brilliance. Just in the last past month, the Sunshine State has seen a meth addict accidentally burn down the state's oldest tree, a drunk driver rear-end another car while wearing a butt plug, and a man arrested for masturbating while making monkey sounds on the beach.

Despite all this illegal insanity, we're naming Miami's own Miguel Angel Esquilin as Florida's dumbest criminal.

Keep reading to see how he trumps even the guy who brought a crack pipe to his trial for crack possession.
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Jovens Esperance, which we are pretty sure means "Young Hope" in Esperanto. Does that still exist?

​Jovens Esperance. The name sounds so innocent, like something Salma Hayek might whisper into your ear on a lazy Sunday morning. Or like the name of a Catalan charity devoted to taking thugs from the streets of Barcelona and turning them into five-star restaurateurs.

Chef! This soufle is delicious. My compliments!

Don't thank me. Thank Jovens Esperance!

Sadly, no. Jovens Esperance is neither Mexican pillow talk nor Spanish haute cuisine, but the name of our Moron Of The Week.
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Not-so-breaking news: This guy's a hateful prick.

​The Miami-based Christian Family Coalition is standing strong in support of Oakland Park Commissioner Jed Shank, who voted against a proclamation last month to recognize Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride & Equality Month because, he said, it was disrespectful to dads to recognize the gays but not Father's Day.

This morning the coalition sent out an email to what could have been as many as 150,000 people saying Shank was "shamelessly attacked for defending Father's Day!" The Sun-Sentinel reports.
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​The Miss USA contestants need to either read a textbook or shut the hell up.

Aside from the asinine, sexist 1950s mentality that the "competition" is based on, the annual beauty contest is intellectually damaging to the young women who are looking to them as role models. We're steering them wrong by telling them to listen to people who have no idea what they're talking about.

I'm referring, of course, to evolution.
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"We won the championship! That means we get to threaten people on the Internet!"

​It was an innocent post: Mavericks guard DeShawn Stevenson got arrested when he was found drunk in an apartment complex. If he hadn't called the Heat "classless" earlier this week, there probably wouldn't have been a write-up. The finals are long over, but it was a chance to poke back at a guy who insulted Miami players. Not a big deal.

But, like so many of the other recent NBA posts, it's drawing a lot of comments from a horde of trolls that is almost as humorless as the people who planned to kill a Swedish cartoonist because he drew something they didn't like.
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Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

​When Dwyane Wade left his hand in the air after swishing a three-pointer to put the Heat up by 15 in Game 2, Jason Terry took offense. The Dallas Mav-prick followed Wade toward half-court, cussing him out. And when the Mavs came back to win in the dying seconds, Terry cited Wade's celebratory gesture as inspiration.

Let's take a moment to remember: this is the guy who got a tattoo of the freakin' NBA trophy on his arm before the finals even began. Talk about premature celebration.

Now that the Heat is back on ass-kicking track with its win over Dull-ass last night, we hope Terry's stupid tattoo comes back to haunt him. Just in case he doesn't want a painful reminder of his shortcomings permanently inked on his arm, however, we've come up with five ways to transform the tattoo to hide his arrogance.

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​Pity the man pictured here. After all, how many times would you have to be (metaphorically) touched by an uncle (named, say, Fred) for your brain to turn to such mush that on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in Key West all you want to do is hold signs declaring that a recently-dead film actress is in hell for being a "fag hag"?
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What are you in for?

​It's Wednesday, and what better way to celebrate hump day than with a collection of morons, right? In this edition of Riptide's occasional series Morons of the Week, you'll meet a 92-year-old lady and her hunky, 53-year-old neighbor, as well as a dude who didn't pass the NY bar. But first, three guys in Hialeah who lost "a large amount of pot" during a routine traffic stop. Morons.

Dude, Where's My Pot?
Three men were arrested in Hialeah Tuesday after fleeing the scene of a routine traffic stop. Why did they flee? The SUV they were in contained "a large amount of pot," according to NBC Miami. Two of the dudes were picked up in a nearby laundromat, and the other was nabbed in an alley shortly after the incident.

The guys aren't morons for having some grass in their car, but rather for not keeping it in air-tight diversion stash containers like this one.
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US Marshals Service

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Forbidden, fruit.

​Bumped out of the spotlight, local icon King Mango and hip hop superstar Will.I.Am have resorted to shamelessly donning blackface in order to resurrect their flagging careers.

Critics say the move has set African-Americans and mangos back "1,000 years."

"Will.i.am. wearing blackface!? What a racist!" tweeted fakeart123 during the MTV Video Music Awards, where the Black Eyed Peas member performed in his controversial outfit.
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