Miami News Blog

Tabatha and The City's Kelly Cutrone. No really, we meant it as a compliment.

​It's a big night for Miami on cable reality TV tonight. Sadly, the second season of Miami Social hasn't been picked up (yet?), but local locations serve as the backdrop for not one, not two, but three episodes of popular shows.

As we mentioned, the girls of The City come to Miami to work backstage at one of the random C-list fashion weeks we host. We've never seen an episode, but from the preview clip at the LA Times it seems two passably attractive twenty-somethings get into a fight backstage, and their boss, a real bitch-but-we-mean-it-as-a-compliment, tells them to grow a pair. And yes, this is the episode that Awesome New Republic taped a segment for at the Delano. A commenter kindly linked to this MTV Buzzworthy Blog post (which calls ANR "the best band you've never heard of,"), and their song "Magic City" will be featured.

That's on at 10:30 p.m. on MTV, but before that you might want to head over to Bravo at 10 for Tabatha's Salon Takeover.

Here we were thinking Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami was an authentic documentary looking at the real lives of two young girls trying to make it in the Magic City, but *gasp* new revelations seem to reveal that it was actually some sort of heavily manipulated pseudo-reality program milked for shameless entertainment value!One episode chronicled Khloe's crumbling relationship with NBA player Rashad McCants after she hacked into his voice mail and found a scandalous message from a female fan, but McCants says that the entire vignette was staged. He tells Page Six that he had broken up with the Kardashian sister well before the show started shooting, and that she didn't even have his current cell phone number, let alone enough information to hack into it. 

Since swapping your wife will undoubtedly lead to your child taking faux rides in a foil balloon and one of your family members cutting one on Larry King Live, hiring a new millennium Mary Poppins may be a better way to make your foray into reality television. And you just may end up with a house full of well-behaved kids in the process. On the ABC hit show, Supernanny, Brit Jo Frost invades your home and whips your naughty kids into shape -- without  a paddle.

​From October 22 through the 27, show producers are in town to find America's Next Fucked Up Kid. Could that be your lil' Johnny? Show flack Tim Gilmour said, "We don't do this American Idol style, with lines of hopefuls queuing up to get on the show. We meet each family and follow them around for a few days to see what their issues may be."

The show is looking for all types of families -- single parent, blended families, and those with weirdo tendencies -- so contact them at 877-626-6984 or supernanny@shedmediaus.com if you need Supernanny to come to your rescue. 

There are moments in American culture when I just want to shut my brain off. Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay -- the first siting congressional leader to ever be indicted -- hoofing it up on Dancing with the Stars is one of those moments. The guy should be practicing his don't-drop-the-soap-two-step; instead he's on some stupid TV program doing the cha-cha. 

"Doing the cha-cha, it was like a bad car accident," Ros-Lehtinen said. "You want to look away but you can't."

Of course, maybe she's still mad at him for that time he got caught smoking a Cuban cigar.

​Want to send your kids to college? Remodel your home as a shrine to Michael Jackson? Fund the first all-hamster space trip to the moon? Whatever your dream, Ryan Seacrest wants to pay for it. Maybe. If you beg for it. 

Last night's season, if not series, finale of Miami Social left us with more questions than answers. Such as who was that other man Lina was talking to? Are Trixia and Hardy ever going to settle down? Does Ariel actually have a bit of decency?

Unfortunately, low ratings, no reunion planned, and the fact it was unceremoniously bumped from its regular time slot to accommodate some OCD real estate show (which caused us to miss the first 15 minutes) point to the fact that we might never know.

Thankfully, we've got the Internet to fill in some of the gaps!

So where to begin? Why not with Hardy Hill and Captiness Crunchia, err Trixia. Trixia just wants a baby in her belly and a ring on her finger, but Hardy just isn't sure if she's the one. Finally, after spending six years with her, he announces to his closest, closest friends (which is only two fellow cast members) they'll secretly marry. Katrina, the soon-to-be divorcee, points out if you've been with someone for six years and still don't know if she's the one, she probably isn't. But all seems to be good and well in the land of Hards and Trix. Or so it seems... (spoiler alert: It totally is not, IRL)

So while every other registered blogger spent Sunday night with the premiere of Mad Men, True Blood, or the ol' Adult Swim standbys, Riptide watched the debut of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami. Don't ever say we're not committed to our jobs. We can't promise to do this every week, but for you, this one time, we've watched it so you don't have to. 

​You know Kourtney Kardashian? No, not the one with the butt. Nope, not the one who has a personality, either. That's right, she's the one with no butt or personality! 

Last night, Bravo once again broadcast a world it calls "Miami." A place where becoming a "fashion designer" is as easy as hiring a kid fresh out of design school to create a line for you. A place where a manipulative, lying, borderline sociopathic lady is worth holding on to. A place where up is down, and all reason is lost. A place that -- even though I live and work no more than a 15-minute drive (plus 10 for parking; sorry, I don't valet) from where this all was shot -- I don't really recognize.

I'll save the ongoing ballad of George and Lina for later, so let's pick a random cast member out of a hat to kick this off. Oh, look, Katrina!

Oh, Kat-Kat. Michael and Maria invite her out for a night of clubbing and decide they need to bring out Katrina's "inner whore," which isn't hard to find considering she's wearing a leather miniskirt and a bra. So off they go to what I think is Element Ultralounge. That's the name being projected on the walls, anyway (classy). Wait, isn't that...gasp ... in Brickell? So the "hottest social circle" in South Beach goes clubbing in some downtown place that's not even open anymore. Was Karu & Y busy that night?

Anyway, Mike and Maria try to sacrifice some unsuspecting guy to Katrina's inner whore. Michael says to him he wants him to meet his "girlfriend," which the guy takes literally. I guess he was down with swinging. Unfortunately, his hopes are dashed when he finds out Michael is also Katrina's "girlfriend," and Katrina tells him she's married. Which technically she is, even though they're getting divorced. She's been with the same guy for 16 years, in case you've missed that line, even though she pulls it out twice every episode.

Jeanine Mason

​Contrary to the way it seems, Riptide does not watch every reality TV show. Our TVs are seldom set to anything involving dance, but perhaps we should have caught some So You Think You Can Dance this season, because 18-year-old Miami student Jeanine Mason won. 

via BravoTV

​George and Martha of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Burt Pugach and Linda Riss of Crazy Love. Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan of Us Weekly. Pop culture is full of quite literally insane couples who manage to stay together no matter how much we're secretly rooting for their relationship's demise.

George and Lina of Miami Social manage to make all those couples look like Ozzie and Harriet in comparison. I mean seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people?

Last week we found out Lina was with child. The manipulative, sneaky lady with a shady past decides to tell George at the perfect restaurant Philippe Chow, thee allegedly manipulative, sneaky restaurant with a shady past. How fitting.

She has a pacifier put in his dessert. At this point, the last thing we'd expect Lina to put in George's food is something as innocuous as a pacifier. All we're saying, George, is hire a food tester.

What follows is about five seconds of happiness, maturity and the lingering thought, "Hey, maybe these two really will get it together and raise this kid."

"I'm happy because we're going to have a cute little motherucker!" says Lina. Adorable. Make sure to put that in the baby book.

Then there's fighting! Imagine that, on a reality television show of all places?

It escalates until George comes home and Lina infers that she's misscarried. But wait, George starts getting text messages from multiple people saying that Lena's been going all around town saying she had an abortion and George wouldn't pay for it.

Which brings up the point: Who the fuck text messages someone about abortion rumors?

Model Latina Miami premiered last night on SiTV, a station we've never heard of and pretty sure we don't get, but we browsed through the first episode online. 

​This post is mainly to point out that even big-time newspapers (or whatever the New York Post is) make embarrassing headline typos once in a while (I hope the copy editor gets an email from the EIC with the subject "Can We Talk?"). But in a more local angle, it seems Joan Rovers Rivers came to Miami to shoot a reality TV show. Great, just what we need: more reality TV! 

via BravoTV

​Last night's Miami Social was all about children: the kind you want but can't have, the kind you find are accidentally going to pop out in nine months, the kind you send away to Switzerland, and the kind that are 30-something professionals who live in South Beach. 

Local drag queen Jessica Wild better get ready to work! Turn to the left. Work! Now turn to the right. Work! Sashay, you stay, because she's been cast in the next season of Logo's RuPaul's Drag Race. "While RuPaul's Drag Race took a look at the outrageous world of drag, it also revealed the courage, perseverance, and humanity of nine men who have overcome and endured the hardships of a masculine-dominated society that mocks and makes fun of men who act like women," says the news release. The second season is set to debut early next year. 

via Hamptons.Com

Todd and Carole in happier times along with a Pre-Bravolebrity Jill and Bobby Zarin

I don't know how it is that Real Housewives keeps coming up on a topic of discussion on this blog (seriously, we are really not as obsessed with Bravo programming as it seems), but Real Housewives of New York star Jill Zarin recently hosted a Hamptons fundraiser for Charlie Crist's not exactly cash-poor senate campaign.

You might remember that Zarin and Charlie Crist's lady wife Carole Rome are good friend. Rome even appeared in a scene oh RHONY that ended up on the cutting room floor.

Our brothers in blog arms, The Juice got the hosting comittee list. It also included: Donald Trump, Johnny Damon, and Al Harington (the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man magnate? No, actually the Knicks player).

"They figure they might as well come to the Hamptons and get the money from people who don't give a [bleep]," observed Blue Star Jets chief Todd Rome about the fund-raising visit out east of his ex-wife Carol and her new husband, Florida Gov. Charlie Crist. 

We're not sure where exactly Mr. Rome falls politically, but a Todd Rome of New York City (area code 10021 to be exact, fancy) did donate $2000 to Democrat Robert Torricelli's succesfull 1996 senate campaign in New Jersey according to OpenSecrets. Carole didn't start opening her pocket books for politicos until 2008. 

So, Miami Social happened again last night. George and Lina's relationship continued to make the cast of lead-in series NYC Prep look mature. Michael had his super sweet 16 (+20). People said the word "Gansevoort." A large dog pooped. And most important, Ariel Stein inspired a bump in Riptide traffic.

The show opens with George spreading mustard on a piece of bread when he gets a call from Lina. If you recall, last week she told him she was going to NYC for business, but -- oops -- she ended up on a yacht in St. Barts. Simple mistake -- it happens to the best of us. She's at the airport and needs two things: a ride home and affirmation George missed her.

"I'm between missing you..." there's an uncomfortable pause. George bops his head back and forth, his brain working overtime. Is he going to say something snappy? "Dissing you"? "Dismissing you"? Nope, "and never wanting to see you again." Oh, letdown. He eventually picks her up and takes her back, because he has a penis and its power clearly overrides that of his brain.  

Elsewhere in SoBe, Hardy's long-term girlfriend, Deluxisha Sparkletta Delicioushelle Trixia, has to suffer the indignity of being childless.

This time she kept her nipples where they belong.

It was close to 1:45 and the Florida Room's lights were dimmed to twice their usual glow. Having closed out the place more than a few times, I knew that it meant the club would soon close, but so early? Then from the corner of my eye, I see -- a camera crew. The "star" whose night they were capturing for eternity? Whitney Port of The Hills and The City "fame."

Having never seen either show, I don't know who the hot guy was that she was canoodling with, but the camera caught an argument, a storming-out, and Port pulling off some semi-sultry dance moves while Awesome New Republic rocked out in the background.

To all the "regular" folk who pushed their way into the camera's line of sight, congrats, you looked like a douchebag.

via BravoTV

In April, the LA Times wrote this about Miami Social: "It is the most vapid, foul, awful, self-satisfied group of people ever assembled in the entire world, and it will be a smashing success."

via BravoTV

How does one recap a show where nothing happens? Such is the problem of writing about Miami Social. Sure, "things" happened. Body party moved. Mouth opened, tongues twisted, and words came out (half the time that word was Gansevoort). Things vaguely resembling emotions were emoted. And even though Bravo frequently invites us to "watch what happens," we're not sure anything did. Miami Social pretends to take us into the hottest VIP room, but instead it's about as exciting as waiting in an hour-long club line.

Though, this was the inaugural episode and much of the time was spent introducing us to the characters. And we've already introduced you to everyone yesterday (hint: read that first). Unfortunately, that's left us very little else to write about. But here are the things or non-things that may or may not have actually transpired on last night's Miami Social.

Hardy wore a suit. There is a stylized, intricate montage of Hardy putting on said suit. Then he wears that suit out to parties. This may or may not be all that Hardy ever does. Nice suit, though. This is a thing that happened on Miami Social.

Maria wore a thong, talked about Botox and big dicks, and puts on sunscreen. Later, while lounging on a rooftop cabana chair she gets into a serious conversation with a fellow cast mate about how much they each like "sexy people." This is a thing that happened on Miami Social.

The gods of South Beach, mourning the loss of Fabian Basabe (remember him?) due to a sad case of irrelevance, decided the island needed a new, improved, self-obsessed, sexually ambiguous rich boy. The skies turned a troubling shade of gray, and the Atlantic Ocean convulsed and spat out a weird substance of hair gel, tanning oil, and self-satisfaction onto the sand, much like a regrettable amount of spooge on your stomach, but instead of wiping it up, it was allowed to crust over and form into the being we now call Ariel Stein.

Jeffrey Boan/Bravo

The cast of Miami Social (Sorah Daiha, Ariel Stein, Katrina Campins, George French, Maria Lankina, Michael Cohen, and Hardy Hill) celebrated at the series-premiere party at Louis Bar-Lounge at the Gansevoort South this past July 9.

The Internets seem to be at a consensus about Miami Social, which premieres tonight at 10 on Bravo: It sucks. But perhaps the people who feel the most angered are those of us who call ourselves Miamians, because the cast members embody so many of the things we hate about this city: vanity, narcissism, stupidity... well, we can keep going on. So is the cast of Miami Social perhaps the most hated group of people in Miami right now? Fortunately for them, Castro is always going to come out on top.

Anyway, we received the above photo in our inbox. It was taken at the premiere party inside Louis at the Gansevoort South this past July 9. In the email, Bravo's PR people had the audacity to call the show a "docu-series." Seriously.

The cast of Miami Social and the source of Glenn Garvin's frustration.

We sometimes poke fun at our colleagues at the Miami Herald for coming across as a bit stodgy and tight-assed. But we love it when their muzzles come off. Herald reviewer Glenn Garvin was saddled with the task of sitting through and writing about an episode of the new soul-sucking, locale-denigrating reality show Miami Social -- and came back with the most scathing damnation of a production we've ever seen in the paper. A taste:

I'm saying it's so bad it will make you regret being born with eyes. I'm saying it's so bad that if you saw a member of the cast burst into flame on the street, you wouldn't waste your spit putting him or her out. I'm saying Osama bin Laden, if he sees it, will weep bitter tears of frustration that he went after the wrong American city.

That is some righteous Miami anger right there. Read the full 700 words of fury here.

via Art.com

Sarah Jessica Parker's production company and the production team behind hits such as Project Runway and Top Chef have been talking about a similar series set in the art world, and this month they're finally casting.

Bravo

The Real Housewives of New Jersey ended as wonderfully mysteriously as it started, with questions still left unanswered, the lines of relationships still left murky, and even a new scandalous plot twist or two added during the last few minutes of the reunion. But at-least Daniel Staub, the former model who's younger years in Miami involved entanglements with a drug lord, an arrest on kidnapping an cocaine charges, and some celeb mingling, got to finally set the record straight. 

Despite E!'s best attempts to create programming that leaves viewers' near brain dead, this preview clip for Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami got us thinking. Why are they so damn happy to be in Miami? The 40-second clip basically consists of the sisters running around going, "OMG, We're in Miami!" The name of the city itself is mentioned on average once every five seconds. 

In substance-abuse circles, you often hear talk of the moment you "hit rock bottom." For your average schmo, it usually involves stealing abuela's jewelry or fellatio behind a Burger King. For celebrities, there's an even more clear barometer of when you're smashing head-first into your own failure: the reality show. Allowing film crews full-time into your recovery usually means three things: 1) You're in desperate need of quick cash, 2) your work alone is no longer bringing you any sort of publicity, and 3) having a dude follow you around with a camera seems a handy way to keep you from calling that heroin dealer in Boca Raton.

The IRS decided to let him keep the bathrobe.

We aren't shocked to hear Scott Storch has signed his own deal to televise his life as he recovers from addiction. The so-white-it-hurts former hip-hop mega-producer has been keeping TMZ.com busy for a while now. There were the lawsuits from his baby mamas seeking back child support, the unpaid taxes on his Palm Island mansion, and (our favorite) the grand theft auto charge he was hit with for allegedly not returning a rent-a-Bentley. In April, he announced he's "done fuckin' with that Lindsay Lohan" (OK, our paraphrase, but we really don't want to watch this MTV interview), and we're expecting the triumphant Akon collabo single any day now.

We wish him Godspeed on the certain-to-be horrible reality show, and we wouldn't normally be so harsh on a dude trying to get his life together but... just look at that photo. Look at those sandals, that robe, those shades... and what is that a bottle of, Chambord? Scott learned the hard way: God hates tacky.  

The central plot point of The Real Housewives of New Jersey has recently revolved around a mysterious book that revealed scandalous details about cast outsider Danielle Staub's sordid past in Miami. The book, written by her ex-husband, claimed she was a stripper and coke fiend involved in a Colombian cartel-related kidnapping that led to her arrest. Staub only copped to being a stripper and changing her name, and chalking up her arrest to being at the wrong place at the wrong time. 

It truly is a reality TV renaissance for the city of Miami. What, with Kourtney and Khloe in Miami, Brooke Knows Best, College Hill: South Beach, Work of Genius and Miami Social. Now Logo is set to air yet another Miami-set docudrama called Gimme Sugar: Miami. It premieres this Monday both on Logo and online, but we got a sneak peak of the first episode. 

I don't know how Bravo is ever going to top Real Housewives of New Jersey. How do you do one better than a show that climaxes with a forehead-challenged Italian woman shouting, "You were stripping! Prostitution whore! You were fucking engaged 19 times! You fucking stupid bitch! Coming! To my! Dinner Party!!!?"