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It seems that the Dolphins scored a pretty nice draft grade across the board from various experts yesterday. For example, the Star-Telegram called the Chiefs and the Dolphins the biggest winners of the draft and awarded them each the highest grades of all the NFL teams. And CBS Sports gave the Fins an A.

Then there's Mel Kiper Jr. He too is a draft expert. Mainly because he says so. So we'd best listen up. Don't mess with Mel Kiper. He'll beat your ass if you get sassy with him. That Todd McShay is just begging to get the shit knocked out of him. Kiper gave the Fins a B. Then remembered that we drafted Chad Henne and downgraded it to a B-. Fuck him. Kiper criticized Henne's accuracy and immobility. And then said he liked Henne's toughness and intangibles. But gave the Fins a B- anyway.

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Now that we have our first pick locked down, we can sit back, relax and analyze what we got in our man Jake Long. Never has game film for an offensive-lineman made me so excited. That's right. Excited. Boner city? Well, no, not quite. But excited nonetheless.

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According to FoxSports, there's a rumor going around that Michigan OT Jake Long doesn't want to be a Dolphin (ah, well, fuck him then!). Long's agent and the Dolphins, however, continue to hash out a contract. The guy next in line IF Jake decides to cross-dress in another city could be DE Vernon Gholston, although I wouldn't count Chris Long out at all. John Czarnecki writes:

"The word on the street is that Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long doesn't want to play for the Dolphins, who continue to negotiate with him as the first overall draft choice. There's a special honor in being the first pick so Long's agents continue to talk. Of course, there is a deadline to these contract talks and then the Dolphins will move onto the next person on their board. Apparently, it isn't Virginia's Chris Long."

I'm not sure how much credence we should give a report when it starts with "The word on the street is..." Because in my experience, that never flies. I once tried getting a myth about my penis started by telling someone, "The word on the street is The Dude has a 14 inch cock, pass it on." The myth never materialized. Perhaps it's because my grandmother doesn't know enough people. Maybe next time I should tell my mailman.

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You might remember the Vitamin Water commercials which featured famous athletes playing sports they wouldn't be caught dead playing in real life. What you might not know is that the commercial below was filmed in South Florida and aside from being hilarious, the ad features our very own badminton enthusiast, Dave Zarco. We wrote about Zarco in a story on real men in sports. Zarco is the doctor running out at the end. -- Elvis Ramirez

Some dude from the Union-Tribute wrote an 800 word piece on how he too does not know what Bill Parcells will do with the Dolphins' first overall pick. But he does make some neat observations, like how Parcells has done nothing but study tapes on college players and talk to coaches about the draft since he got here.

After Parcells was appointed the director of football operations of the Miami Dolphins in December, he presented himself for a news conference. He has not had another. When NFL executives gathered in Palm Beach, Fla., for the league's spring meetings, Parcells was not among them. His days are taken up with viewing tapes and meeting with the coaches...

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Bill Parcells confirmed with the New York Daily News last week that he is, in fact, willing to trade out of the first overall pick. We all would like him to do this for a number of reasons -- mainly to get more picks so he can have more flexibility to fix our numerous problems. Also, because there isn't one player in this draft class that screams out must-draft-franchise-player. Chris Long, Jake Long, Matt Ryan, Glenn Dorsey, Vernon Gholston -- all the top prospects -- are great players. But they're not franchise changing, cornerstone players. They're the kind of players you would add to football team with a weakness or two. They're the kind of solid players you'd draft in the middle portion of the first round in any other year. But, of course, since the Dolphins hold the first overall pick this year and since God hates the Dolphins, the fact is this is what we have to choose from this year. Sigh.

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Lucy Orozco

Traffic before the toll booths on the Rickenbaker Causeway was backed up for almost an hour due to the Sony Ericsson Open. It was interesting to find people with a dislike for certain aspects of tennis at the event. These people developed their own version of the game, beach tennis, because they find it psychotic for people to sit in silence for hours listening solely to the sound of a ricocheting ball.

An area next to the closed court at the Sony Ericsson Open, was set up with sand specifically for the beach tennis game. DJ Sraz provided the tunes for the beach tennis spectators.

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Jason Taylor once again kicked some dancy ass on Dancing With the Stars last night. He danced the Mambo and impressed the judges with his nimble feet and devilish good looks. He also scored a 9 from all three judges! Tonight is double-elimination night. Two contestants will be gone by the end of the evening. Also gone: my dignity.

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I’ve been writing about the Dolphins draft in one form or another since 2005. More often than not, I have been right, they have been wrong. A quick re-cap:

2005: I said the Fins should draft Braylon Edwards. They took Ronnie Brown instead. Now, Edwards is blowing shit up in Cleveland while Brown is blowing up his knee and has yet to finish an entire season.

2006: I said the Fins should try to trade up for Jay Cutler. If not, then draft Antonio Cromartie. They took Jason Allen instead. Now, Cromartie holds the record for longest TD in NFL history, is a Pro Bowler and is generally regarded as one of the best corners in the NFL. Allen is, well, you know....

2007: I said the Fins should draft either Patrick Willis or Brady Quinn. We all know what happened after that.

So now, I’m calling the Dolphins to target two guys: Vernon Gholston and Brian Brohm. Fat fucking chance that happens.

Anyway, here now, my Fins 2008 mock draft. Ah, yes, the mock draft. The most arbitrary, capricious waste of time a blog or website can subjugate upon its readers. So let’s do it, shall we!

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First of all, I promised myself that I’d only watch 20 minutes of the show to catch a glimpse of Jason Taylor dancing just so I can say that I watched him do this crap at least once. It would be my first and last time watching Jason Taylor frolic around in shiny pants.

If anyone asked me prior to last night’s Dancing With the Stars season premiere what I thought JT’s chances at winning this thing were, I would’ve told them that Jason Taylor is half-man, half cyborg-- programmed to seek and destroy his foes and adversaries and, therefore, not at all programmed to dance in a totally non-destructive manner for cash and prizes. I would have told them that he’s out of his element – as opposed to his regular job description: rip quarterback a new asshole, go home, have a straight grain whiskey on the rocks.

But after watching JT dance the foxtrot in front of millions of viewers, mostly whom have no earthly clue what he does for a living (He’s, like, a football player, right?), I was pleasantly surprised.

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Here's what happened over the weekend while you wondered why your Emperor's Club "order" was a no-show:

Jason Taylor appears on satellite radio, says he's staying in Miami, walks off doing jazz hands.
Taylor told Sirius Satellite radio hosts Vic Carucci and Dan Leberfeld that Miami is where he wants to be. This has really become the most annoying story of the off-season. It's been a slow time for news and some are speculating that Bill Parcells is all pissy about JT's off-season shenanigans and will therefore trade him away because of his cavorting with fast dames on some god damned fruity television program. That'll show him! Look, this thing won't get resolved until either one of two things happen: A.) Jason Taylor gets traded or B.) Jason Taylor is in a Dolphins uniform on Opening Week in September. AND THAT'S IT! The media needs to seriously quit trying to figure this out. And the media needs to seriously stop doing these kinds of columns. No, seriously. Stop.

Meanwhile, tonight is JT's debut on Dancing With the Stars. You can see some video and photos on his MySpace page, where I continue to be his BFF (after the "Vote for JT", "Edyta" his dance partner, and the "DWS Season 6" pages. ::claps, giggles and hops up and down::). This Edyta chick seems somewhat hot. But she also sounds mind numbingly annoying. Won't surprise me in the least if JT ends up tossing her across the room like a sack of game-worn Vernon Carey jockstraps once she finally gets on his last nerve. JT has no tolerance for bullshit. Anyway, catch the 2 hour premiere (Jesus! 2 fucking hours??!!) tonight on ABC!

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Here's what happened over the weekend while 10,000 BC was hitting No. 1 at the box office, thus signaling the end of Western civilization as we know it:

-- The Dolphins have just become 52% less ridiculous. Another face of the debacle that was the 2007 season has left us. Jesse Chatman has gone to the Jets. While Jesse did provide us with some comedic gold last season, he also represented everything that went wrong with the Fins in '07. The guy was our starting running back at one point for fucksake. I just threw up in my mouth. The Hobbit ends his days as a Dolphin with 515 yards and 1 touchdown. Now, he'll be eating whole turkeys and roaming the streets of New York looking for donuts in the city that never sleeps. I envy Jets bloggers. I really do.

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Analysts, former NFL general managers and other people who generally know what the fuck they're talking about, have been giving the Fins the thumbs up on their recent FA moves.

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Calvin Pace, who smashed a window with his arm while playing grab-ass with some friends a couple of years ago, was waiting for Joey Porter money. And the Jets gave it to him. After being offered a contract by the Fins on Friday, Pace flew up to New York over the weekend to hear their sales pitch. In the end, it came down to who was going to give him the $20 million in guaranteed money. The Jets caved and offered Pace a whopping 6-year deal that will pay him $42 million, $22 million of it guaranteed.

Holy fuck that's a lot of money for a guy who essentially has had one good season in a 4-year career. I'm relieved it wasn't us who ended up over-paying for him. I wanted Pace to be a Dolphin -- but not for that kind of money.

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For the record: I think Chris Long is an exceptional defensive end. And I will be very pleased if Miami ends up drafting him.

Howevah!

I do think that Vernon Gholston is a better prospect. He's a more gifted athlete, more explosive and a more versatile player. His skills, to me, seem as if they will translate a lot better at the NFL level than Long's.

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